Gay Bangkok, Me too?

Standing Alone

2011-12-22T16:00:00.000-08:00

What is it about the city? It seems that I too often read experiences based solely on the freedom of Thailand, the welcoming aspect of the Thai culture. That's an easy theme I think. A story line that cities and travel shows can tell without a thought to experience.

I think that's also a major drawback to living in Thailand actually. There's not enough people here willing or able to provide a complete picture. I know these people exist, but what I mean is that a true depiction of Thailand is complicated, and one that takes a lot of time to tell.

Television and news people don't have the time. They have a story to sell to viewers with short attention spans and tired eyes. The easy story is best, and that's the one we take home.

I re-read a post awhile ago from a friend that used to write a blog here as well. He wrote that every time he returns to Bangkok he experiences that initial excitement. That euphoria precedes the dip, a deep loneliness that rushes you quietly, a large wave you didn't expect or see on a darkened beach. It's a wave that can't be avoided, because you recognized it too late.

Slow Descent

2011-12-02T10:48:00.000-08:00

It's not just about sex. That's what psychologists and scholars keep writing. I'm kind of unsure. With so much out there now on 'sex' addiction. Maybe it's the act that people are so obsessed with. Maybe it's not intimacy at all.

I begin to think that maybe the educated become disengaged from other lives.

Don't you know people who are all about the release? I mean all my straight friends talk all kinds of game about the act of sex. How much they get it, how they get it, and with who --- very few of them seem to broach the areas of love and intimacy when hanging out with friends.

I'm not saying that's me though. I mean I always wanted that but I wanted intimacy too. I want that moment of laying in bed, warm bodies pressed together, talking and enjoying each other. Passing whispers, warm air --- touch.

The trouble may be that they are moments. Fleeting. Passing me by or forgotten as I wake up to another day of monotony or from that almost-unbelievable, wonderful dream.

Moments then are just that. They don't account for biology. They don't account for physical desire. They don't factor in to male discussions of conquests, yearning, wanting more.

I'm not saying I know what it is I want. I'm just saying that I think about it. I think about it often. I think about it every day.

A conversation

2011-11-14T11:03:00.000-08:00

"Are you a teacher at ____ University?"

It was a text message he showed me at DJ Station. Standing there, music blaring. Everyone doing their best to look cool and disinterested. One thousand men trying so hard to mask discomfort and desire from fellow queers.

A show and gathering seems to do that --- raise your guard.

He was my height, shorter. Eyes set apart, full dark hair, compact but strong. A playful animal with little worry, just a drive.

He left his shirt partly unbuttoned, an attempt to accentuate his body. Pehaps a concsious memorial of his intention. He wasn't there to dance.

I wrote on my phone. Showed him the typed message.

"Yes."

He started talking to me in Thai, asking me about my students, my classes. He held my eyes confidently, using his boyish language to indicate intimacy and bravado. It was desire as well; he had that too.

He bought me drinks. Started touching me, trying to dance close. I told him no. I said that I was professional and didn't sleep with students.

"I'm not one of your students."

Very well I said as his lips found mine in the club. He was putting his hands in the waistband of my underwear. He slipped his hands in, everyone around us could see.

He was whispering in my ear, grabbing for my hands with his free one. He held them tightly, pulled me for the door.

Resistance.

"I'm a teacher," I pleaded, "please don't."

He put his tongue in my ear. "No one will know."

He pulled at my hands again. There was no more fight in me. I acquiesced. I went with him.

I can still smell that motorbike. Gasoline, exhaust, speed, alchohol. His hands on me -- moving -- caressing as he drove.

His apartment was dirty, a slum area not far from the clubs.

He was one me. Kissing me. My body shaking. Hands broke free. Clothes stripped away. Soft kisses. Harder ones. Pushing and shoving. Holding. Positioning.

I could see us from a mirror. It was a long distance shot, two moving bodies struggling for a form of synergy. Dominance and attraction dictating placements, muscled stomach on slim, conforming back.

Soft light again floods my memories of that moment. It might be slightly hazy now, a romanticized version of the actual scene.

The springs in the bed were squeaking. I closed off, starting to wonder about our movements. The dictates of biology.

Short-term moments -- enjoyment -- ultimately leading to a conclusion.

An ending.

Abandoned

2011-10-31T10:04:00.000-07:00

Did I ever tell you why I left?

I know I didn't. That was a rhetorical question. Thinking about it now leaves an unsavory taste in my mouth. A mix of candy and tart lemonade. Too much of everything. There's no straight or honest way to broach it, and it's like so many parts of me. Conflicted, truthful, dishonest.... a contradiction.

I could write about it. I guess I've already decided I will, and I am aware of the need. I have no one else to write it to again. In a sense, I'm alone. That's it probably. I need to vent --- in a public but less-than-open way. Who knows why I can't just tell someone.

I feel in so many ways that I am going back in to the closet only to come out again. It's this consistently inconsistent manner of dealing with myself and my sexuality. Nothing is so open, but nothing is so deep that it escapes a day of conscious thought.

That's why I stopped writing maybe. I felt that anonymous blogging became too secretive. A place that no one knew me and therefore served as an unhealthy outlet for my thoughts I couldn't otherwise share. I was back in the closet.

I don't know why, but I need to write. A perpetual state of coming in and going back out again.

That's scary and freeing.

Do As I Say...

2010-06-19T03:22:00.000-07:00

As a gay guy, I have a low tolerance for hypocrisy. I think mainly because I have lived a life where I was told that my feelings were wrong ---that being gay is unnatural and against 'God's Law,' only to see my 'authority figures' caught up in indiscretions of their own.

I still experience the after-effects of low self esteem and self worth because of gay feelings I now know I couldn't control.

Anyway so, as a gay man, when I see a television preacher or conservative politician caught with his (and it is always a man) pants down, I get angry. It's probably the same feeling most gay people have when a man like George Rekers (the outspoken advocate of a homosexuality 'cure' ) gets caught with a gay prostitute after traveling Europe on the taxpayers' dime (Florida and South Carolina to name two States). How can he judge gay people, and moreover, why is he so dishonest with himself?

I have no answers to these questions. I can only say that I am a hypocrite too. I have decried commercialism, and gone out and bought my favorite designer. I have told students to be kind to peers and strangers; then, I rudely cut in line if I am tired or just want to get home. I say I want equality but wouldn't mind if I got a little extra money back from my taxes this year :-P.

It's not just me, I know that. Prime Minister Abhisit says he wants to give Thais the freedom to speak, but then prosecutes opposition leaders who do so. He's a politician! My boss believes in fair treatment for everyone, but always lobbies a little harder for the English language department. He's a politician too! My mom says she loves everyone, but my brothers and sisters and I usually get the leftovers from family Thanksgiving dinner (sorry to all my cousins :-P). She's just my mom :-)!

There's varying degrees of hypocricy of course, and it's not just the people we follow, but the mechanics that drive them. Capitalism, democracy, socialism, and market theory are all plagued with PR problems associated with inherent unfairness and hypocricy. We live it every day, but I just get so worked up about it sometimes.

I have to deal with that and be honest with myself. Long term anger isn't a positive emotion and I have to overcome it.

I think it starts with admitting who I am. I am flawed and weak. I make poor decisions some times :-P. I am also a person that does generally care about other people though..... and I'm gay :-). I admit to all of these things and that I am still working every day to accept myself, to overcome negative emotions, and to examine the reasons behind my feelings. I want to work harder, be more mindful --- I want to be a better person.

Pie in the Sky

2010-06-15T17:17:00.000-07:00

I probably should be going out more. My friends that haven't fled the country are still hanging around Silom and DJ Station. They're hanging out with the same guys, trying to pick up some new ones, or offing money boys from a go-go bar. Some have asked me to go down and hang out, but I've been pretty lazy after teaching a full load of classes. I have 28 hours per week in the classroom this semester, with Saturday classes too :-).

I've been staying in then, and that means I have alot of time for Thai politics. That might not be a good thing?

As I've said, the latest government movements seem to center on emphasizing the 'road map to reconciliation' and prosecuting opposition figures both in court and the press.

This 'road map' is always a source of interest for me. Prime Minister Abhisit says he is confident that it will assist Thailand in the 'healing process,' but will only happen, says Mr. Abhisit, if 95 percent of Thai people buy in to this plan. That number, he admits, will be difficult to achieve, but he does say the plan will work.

Of course, I'm not sure that anyone really knows what the 'plan' entails. I've seen no draft released to the public; I know only that it is a five-point plan designed for 'reconciliation,' whatever that means. To me, it certainly seems difficult to achieve 95% support for a plan that no one really understands, so perhaps Mr. Abhisit believes this strategy provides him plausible deniability. If the long view (history) does actually evaluate Mr. Abhisit's performance, perhaps they will see that he at least 'tried' to gain consensus with a plan, albeit one that no one understands and supposedly requires 95% support from a population that, as a whole, probably does not support his party.

There might be another method to Mr. Abhisit's current tack. As he continues to press for 'reconciliation,' his government continues to pursue terrorism charges against opposition leaders and their associates. By silencing opposition to the current government, Mr. Abhisit can gain control of public opinion, perhaps paving the way for further salesmanship. If the Prime Minister controls the public forum, he can sell his new plan and his version of events, explaining to the Thai people what 'really' happened the past two months.

I just saw a story today that reinforced this idea, as it looks like Mr. Abhisit has requested the government pay whatever is necessary to control tv satellites, which previously broadcasted the opposition's message. Mr. Abhisit says it's a matter of national security: http://www.bangkokpost.com/news/local/38817/govt-warned-thaicom-a-trap. A matter of national security or the security of his party?

I know I've been spending too much time at home, but I can't help myself. It's too interesting; I have to read more :-). Maybe I should go to DJ Station this weekend....

Hangin Downtown

2010-06-12T18:14:00.000-07:00

I don't go to the Sukumvit area downtown too often. It's pretty famous in the straight world though :-). Walk down a couple streets from the fancy shopping districts of Siam Paragon, Centralworld (at least the unsinged half), and Gaysorn (still standing, maybe the red shirts believe in tolerance?), and you come upon the world of straight and transexual women plying sex to legions of tourists from around the world.

Soi Cowboy and Soi Nana are the most famous strips of go-go bars in this area, and if you are interested, you can find thousands of Isaan and foreign girls working the bars for some cash. My door doesn't swing this way, but I have friends that... oh, I don't want to make you uncomfortable :-).

Anyway, I am always interested to walk around this area because there are people from areas of the world that I have never visited. I see Russians, Libyans, Iranians, Pakistanis (I know because they told me :-P), and many people from African nations. I've talked to many of these people just to see where they're from, ask them about life in Thailand, you know :-).

Many of the Africans seem to live here full time, and some of them, I've noticed, speak Thai very, very well :-). My boyfriend says there are a couple guys of African or Thai-African decent that speak Thai perfectly. I'm always impressed by that, because I know how difficult it is to truly speak the language. Many of us might be able to understand now after living here a couple years, but getting the tones and complex structures correct is a really challenging goal to attain.

Anyway, the Africans are here, and they seem to concentrate themselves in the areas surrounding Sukumvit Road. I always wondered what they do for work down there, and have received many different answers from the local populace.

"Buying things for Africans."

"Learning the Thai language."

"Selling clothing."

"Selling drugs."

I gotta be honest, the latter response is the most often used when I ask a Thai this question. Many of them here seem to believe that most -- if not all -- Africans are here selling or buying drugs. Honestly, I'm not sure what many of them do, because I have never had a friend or colleague from Africa here or in the U.S.

That was until I came to my current university where I met my first African colleague. He is a late-30's Nigerian with a rather large chip on his shoulder :-P. Everyone in Thailand, he thinks, believes Africans are inferior. I can tell you that in my office that it is certainly not the case, but I'm not discounting that everyone has stereotypes and illogical thoughts regarding people considered 'different.' I realize that.

Then again, I do have to admit that many of the Thai people here believe that Africans or people of a darker skin complexion are poor and of lower class. I've written about this before, but I seem to hear alot from Asian people about Africans. I wonder what they would think after comparing my bank account to many Africans living here. That might be a good surprise :-).

Anyway, I can see why my colleague has that rather large chip permanently affixed :-). He's pissed that everyone treats him differently, and that treatment is largely based on stereotypes. One day, I asked him why he thought those stereotypes are perpetuated, and his response was a kind of confession. admitting that many of the Africans here are selling drugs and prostitution.

"That's what the people here want to buy! Africans are businessmen," he tells me.

I can't disagree with him there, except about that idea of 'businessmen' --- I'm not really sure what that term means. Anyway, this country, for all of its quirks and beauty, is quite welcoming of many western imports. This includes Louis Vuitton, KFC, and Chrystal Meth. I can't figure out which contributes more to tearing the social fabric of Thailand, but we can definitely agree that the last one is bad for your physical health.

I do sympathisize with my colleague honestly. because I understand his predicament. He isn't selling meth or prostitution, just teaching English at a university, supposedly (just kidding!). But still, he has to shoulder stereotypes every day from the uneducated and the uninformed. He thinks America would be better, and I have to say that he might be right --- maybe just a little bit. If someone thinks they're going to avoid stereotypes and racsim by going to America, then she or he needs to read some stuff before hitting our amber waves of grain.

I for one am really interested in the people living here, Africans, Pakistanis, Burmese, Fillipino, I want to know about them all. Just to confirm, I don't believe any of the stereotypes out there, except the one about older Chinese people always stealing toilet paper or taking the unairconditioned bus to save two or three baht. I believe that one.

So, if you're a foreigner living in Thailand, and are in the market for a friend. Here I am. I'm taking applications 24 hours a day, and I'm available for story-telling or KFC any time :-).

Democracy is Great, Don't You Think?

2010-06-08T20:02:00.000-07:00

This past week, the Thai government has been engaging in serious press relations. Prime Minister Abhisit is traveling, speaking, and interviewing; hoping to get a spot on some international special showing everyone that Thailand is a safe travel destination.

Just last week, he survived a 'no confidence' vote in the Parliament, and then went on to press conferences and an Asian tour to assure us (foreigners) that Thailand is indeed kind and welcoming. Kind and welcoming, that is, for the people that agree with the government :-P.

Over the past month, police and military have been making arrests and detaining suspected 'terrorists.' These people are usually those who have voiced opposition to the current government's legitimacy. Activists, professors, and foreigners (an Australian and a Brit) have been rounded up by government security officials and charged with 'terrorism,' 'violating the emergency decree,' or 'inciting violence.'

I'm not sure how some Chulalangkorn professors or others were committing the above acts, but it seems many are held for questioning in a small city (Saraburi) about an hour outside of Bangkok. The government doesn't seem to have many answers for the reasoning behind the detentions, but it does seem that everyone being held was -- in some way, shape, or form --critical of the current regime.

Again, I am not Thai, and thus cannot fully understand the ways of government here. I can tell you though that it's not a good time to dissent right now. If you disagree, jail might be coming.

Just yesterday, the government seemed to invoke the emergency decree against a group of disabled people lobbying for an allotment of lottery tickets (why they need to sell lottery tickets, I don't know). Looks like the dissenters were charged with violating the emergency decree, and chased in to a canal prior to getting away. :-P I'm not making it up: http://www.bangkokpost.com/news/local/38397/police-break-up-lottery-protest

For his part, the Prime Minister continues to extol the virtues of democracy. I caught one interview he did with Al Jazeera. "Everyone," he said "must abide by the law," and "follow the mandates of the legal process." In his opinion, that is the only way forward in this country.

Of course, I can get it, but I'm wondering what the law really is these days?

It gets kind of difficult to figure out what really is inciting violence, a violation of the emergency decree, or the definition of a "terrorist" (a catch-all statute?). I can tell you this, if you were somehow linked to red-shirt leadership, you are probably guilty of one, if not all of them.

Yeah it is great for everyone to follow the law, especially when you're the one making it. Lol, that's why I'm a teacher :-P!

Thinking back to the interviews, I am always interested to hear the Prime Minister's spin of events leading to the deadly clashes in April and May. He is quite talented, skillfully explaining a carefully scripted story that reflects positively on his government in calm and cool terms. Everything sounds so righteous and tolerant to me, the outsider.

He even agreed to take responsibility for any fault found in the government's handling of the protestors these past two months. An independent panel will be created, says the democratic leader, and that panel will be able to examine all events during, and leading up to, the deadly clashes in April and May. The Prime Minister says that he and his ministry are fully prepared to 'take responsibility' for any missteps the panel uncovers. It will begin work, he said, once the government chooses the timing, direction, and leadership of this investigative committee :-P.

Democracy really is cool :-P.

This might be an inflammatory analogy, but what if we were to charge George W. Bush with a war crime and then allowed him to appoint his own committee to investigate? If I were charged with a crime, I would also like to appoint my own judge and jury. I wonder if the Prime Minister will permit those charged with acts against the State to appoint their own committees to see if they were in fact guilty of the crime....

A couple days ago, Mr. Abhisit took the initiative and appointed his own panel's chief: http://www.bangkokpost.com/news/local/180616/khanit-burdens :-). It will be interesting to see what the panel finds.

Shortbus

2010-05-31T20:25:00.000-07:00

I had a recent incident in the bus I wanted to write about. Maybe a week ago, I was heading downtown to the BTS (the elevated train). The bus was fairly deserted (people were probably staying home :-P), and I was happily jamming my Ipod thinking about the lead singer from Rooney. He's cute :-).

Anyway, there also happened to be a Thai kid (maybe 19 or 20) sitting in the row across from me. Furtively, he'd try to eye me, checking out my clothes and my singing voice. At first I thought he just wanted to look (they're curious here). Then I figured he thought I was a weirdo; I start singing and getting in to my gay clubbing mix :-P. Actually, it was none of the above.

The kid pegged me as gay, and was trying to get my attention. He was eyeing me and my body. My jeans were kinda tight that day :-P.

There was no one there to see either of us. He took advantage and moved a seat closer to me. His hands were massaging the front of his shorts and he was openly staring. I was pretty surprised, given that I'd never experienced something so overt in a public place.

He went on massaging, and trying to meet my gaze. I eventually let him, and he pulled down his shorts to show me. By then, I was really surprised as he motioned for me to follow him to the next bus exit.

I was a good boy and let him go alone though. He was cute, but I was trying to be good. I'm not sure what would have happened if I followed.

Thak Sin

2010-05-31T20:11:00.000-07:00

I am not sure where this is ultimately supposed to go... I've read that the government here in Thailand is lobbying hard. They supposedly want Montenegro/the UAE (Dubai)/Russia/ The European Union to arrest and extradite Thaksin back to Thailand. I thought that was an interesting idea.

I wonder though what the government believes will occur when Thaksin returns... If there is a continued unease surrounding the fate of our current government, I don't know what they think will happen when Thaksin shows up to stir the masses. My personal opinion is that any attempt to return Thaksin here will not be pretty.

I would request them to bring Carlinhos Freire or Cristiano Ronaldo. Either of those will do fine for me.

A Police State

2010-05-26T07:18:00.001-07:00

I would argue that Thailand is slipping in to an extremely dangerous place for political dissent. Laws are now used to silence opposition speech, and people are afraid to speak out for fear of prison or even death sentences. Just today, the government/court system issued a warrant for ex-Prime Minister Thaksin's arrest on terrorism charges; the maximum penalty in the case is death.

In the past week, I have also seen people charged with Terrorism, Violating an Emergency Decree, Defamation, and Lese Majeste. Speak out against a government official, watch out :-); you might find yourself in Thai prison. See the story on these two less-than-intelligent foreigners: http://news.ino.com/headlines/?newsid=52520100880

Want to Know Why?

2010-05-20T19:52:00.001-07:00

During the looting and burning two days ago, some undesirables attacked a TV newstation here. Supposedly, Channel 3 was broadcasting 'lies' as the red shirts maintained that the media here do not accurately report the red shirt platform. While I do tend to agree with this sentiment -- though I don't believe it lies rather an artful retelling of the truth -- I wouldn't go burn down any building because of it.

Then again, if I ran Channel 3, or any other media outlet for that matter, I might think twice about artful truth retellings if I thought my distortion would result in my building burning down or people getting hurt.

Supposedly, the Bangkok Post had to evacuate its offices due to threats from angry red shirt protesters. In this instance, I do know why the red shirts are angry with this particular publication; here's a case in point: http://www.bangkokpost.com/opinion/opinion/178472/facts-about-thailand-and-the-red-shirts

In place of the Bangkok Post's opinion, it publishes letters deemed most accurate in their approximation of Thai politics. In this particular letter, the writer asserts that Red Shirts are misinformed and uneducated puppets of Thaksin. If the red shirts get their way, the letter reads, "(l)arge businesses would lose their cheap, obedient labour force were the present government to introduce true democracy and a comprehensive education system."

Lol :-)

God forbid that our pliant citizens educated themselves and were no longer obedient to the country's large businesses. Then what would we do? We'd actually have true democracy and a comprehensive education system where all people were encouraged to work harder and achieve.

I know that makes people uncomfortable, but come on, do you think that this is an argument that red shirts or outsiders would find palatable? I think its a line like this that motivates protesters to threaten your place of business, which is what you are. Government or hirearchical sponsorships aside, your business is billed as a balanced relater of Thai news.

And that does not square with a continued painting of red shirts as unreasonable (which might be accurate :-P) or uneducated drones always tied to one master or the other. This is why these people target the BP place of business. The paper, however, continues on, even today, calling out red shirt leaders: http://www.bangkokpost.com/opinion/opinion/178623/wounds-will-take-a-long-time-to-heal.

Supposedly, we should all take time to heal the wounds, tend to each other, right wrongs and 'reduce gaps' in society. We should of course do this, but not forget what happened. I guess we shouldn't forgive either. Just to summarize, we should 'heal the wounds' but we shouldn't forgive.

"The actions of some among the red shirts of the past several weeks were unconscionable, actions taken with full knowledge of their leaders and tacit approval by Thaksin to wreck havoc and destabilise the government, the country’s image and economy for their own aims."

Yeah, so about that healing the wounds thing :-P... Honestly, I don't see any wound healing here. I see a half-hearted effort to admit social inequality exists, and then a strong lash at all things opposing the goverment.

Honestly, I don't see any connection between healing wounds and accusing the opposition of terrorist acts. I have found no hard reporting that shows Thaksin or red shirt leaders knew or ordered buildings destroyed or people shot. Nor have I seen any encouragement or 'tacit approval' from red shirt leaders to riot and destroy public buildings. To the contrary, albeit belatedly, it seems that leaders were calling for the protesters to disburse.

Anyway, this is not journalism; it is argumentative accusation.

It's exactly why the red shirts are angry. It's partly why they are shooting, running, and burning down buildings. No one really tries to understand the basics of their calls for democracy; instead it's about a corrupt billionaire and an overpriced shopping mall that sells things no one really needs.

"Red shirt leaders have repeatedly, and conveniently, said they had no control over the unruly elements. But as leaders, they cannot deny responsibility for the protesters – whatever faction they belong to."

I'm wondering what the BP editors would do if an employee killed a red shirt protester. Would their argument be that they had no idea it could happen? Would they call for calm and peace?Would they not argue at all? Would they pat the employee on the shoulder?

Then I wonder what would happen when the red shirts retaliated. More fires, more anger, more chaos. Just deeper wounds and pointing fingers slowly but surely digging in to the cuts.

Raging On

2010-05-19T19:32:00.000-07:00

After a long stretch of hours in the classroom, I had a month vacation following my summer courses. It gave me a chance to travel in Asia, and I chose a long month in China. That was, in hindsight, a good decision mostly because I got the opportunity to see the differences between Asian countries. It also got me out of Thailand, which I guess is good, seeing as how a good deal of downtown went up in flames yesterday.

Yeah, I followed the news in China, but it was kind of difficult. Most of the places there seem to be slim on English language information, signs, or dinner menus. I really had to work on my Chinese if I wanted to get from place to place or eat a dumpling :-P. Luckily, I met some of my Chinese friends from the last school I worked at, and they showed me around Beijing, Kaifeng, Zhengzhou, Shijiazhuang, and Hohhot, Inner Mongolia :-)!

I want to get to the trip, and the impressions I had of those cities and China as a whole. First though, I want to write a couple thoughts about the Thai stand-off in downtown Bangkok (and now, the Isaan provinces as well).

First off, how did the government ever let the stand off get to this point? By now, I'm sure most people know that after protesters spilled blood on the prime minister's house and took over the downtown shopping district, troops opened fire with live rounds at the demonstrators and demonstrators fired back with what it seems were their own guns, grenades, and/or home-made firebombs.

As best I can answer this question, here it is in plain words: The government knew that if an early election occurred, the incumbents would lose. An election would have only hurt those in power, but to clear out the protesters with guns and military immediately would damage the government's international reputation (not that it isn't damaged now).

This left the government with little choice, and everyone suffered because the protesters continued to occupy downtown with impunity. This isn't to say that the government wasn't still working behind the scenes, using the media to influence public opinion. I can't count how many times the past week that generals and government spokespeople came on television to tell me how 'dangerous' and 'bad for Thailand's image' these red-shirts were.

There were pictures and red pointing arrows, showing me images of masked crusaders with guns, fireworks, and what looked like homemade slingshots. I also saw alot of people passed out drunk under tents, but the red arrows weren't pointing at them...

A couple of days ago, I guess, the government had sufficiently made its point, and the shooting began again. I want to say up front that I don't deny that red shirts were dangerous, but I keep asking why? The best point I can muster: the government shot guns at them first.

We can all point fingers, who started what and when --- that argument has been fueling thousands of conflicts for centuries however (Palestine-Israel comes to mind). But seriously, what did the government expect after sending troops near a major tourist area (Khao San Road) with instructions to "fire into the air." No matter what happened, and who had guns, the death toll has always seemed disproportionately unfair to the red shirts in these conflicts. I wonder if the government will ever count the people who died from a gun shot in the back...

So now that all of this is 'over' in the words of last night's spokesperson, why do the government leaders continue to escalate their rhetoric even after the protest leaders 'surrendered,' implying somehow that there is/was a war.... My guess: the government still realizes that there is a truly tenuous grasp on power these days.

Hence, I can't leave the house past 9:00, nor can I go to the bank to withdraw money :-) (are you reading this Mom :-P?). The only thing for the government now to do, is start classifying races, genders, and danger levels; then allow a couple generals to take power, and the world discussion will center on Burma and Thailand.

This protest might have been about non-violence initially, but something went really awry, haywire is how my dad described it... It got really violent, with over 40 people killed in stand-offs resulting from clashes or conflict or war, whatever you think it is. Some of those wounded or killed included foreigners, journalists trying to cover the battle between the different factions. I use 'factions' because I'm not quite sure who was really fighting for/with whom. It seems no one is really sure what happened down there once the shooting started.

All I can say, this is a dark week for Thailand, and the people here are now angry, sad, and disenfranchised. That's why you had people burning down buildings. That's why people will hate the red shirts. That's why the red shirts will feel that they can never really participate in Thailand's 'democracy.' That's why the Thai smile will always be the thin veneer that many people will now see through.

What happens next, I don't think anyone knows.

Today's Thai Thought

2010-04-13T21:05:00.000-07:00

Here are some final random thoughts for today on Thai protests:

1) Thai people don't seem to be so accepting any more. By that i mean the old idea of knowing your position on the ladder is giving way to 'why can't I ....?'

2) Don't try and tell me that closing Siam Paragon, CentralWorld, and my favorite mall, Gaysorn, hurts everyone in Thailand. The wealthy always try to fashion some 'trickle-down' argument. Does your average Isaan farmer care about Marc Jacobs or the next MenInTrend fashion competition? There are probably gay Isaan farmers, yeah?

3) A couple weeks ago, Prime Minister Abhisit appeared in live televised talks with the Red Shirt leaders. In the first episode, Mr. Abhsit sat in harsh lighting and the age spots were visible on his skin. He looked tired and disinterested. The next day, Mr. Abhisit's face was much whiter, much more clear. He looked less tired, but rarely (only if he was talking) made eye contact with the red shirt representatives. After those meetings, the red shirts began traveling Bangkok, causing havoc and ultimately taking another major intersection downtown. Did Mr. Abhisit also lose popularity?

4) After those talks, the situation has deteriorated. As of today, 19 people are dead and hundreds injured after the weekend's violence, now supposedly caused by 'terrorists' as some people say.

5) The Bangkok Post can no longer continue to paint the red shirts as purely unreasonable rebel rousers. The foreign media is beginning to take interest after the violence and killings over the weekend. See cnn.com, reuters.com, npr.org, and nytimes.com.

6) To me, the Bangkok Post has lost all journalistic integrity. Its stories are consistently slanted against red shirt protesters. Moreover, stories never seem to question the Prime Minister's leadership. Peaceful solution? Ok. Talks? Sounds good. Raid the protest site? You had to do it. It also gets me that their stories on the current conflict never have an attributed writer. Everything is done by Bangkokpost online. Why is that?

7) There does always seem to be some good reason that the government could not adequately address the red shirt 'nonsense,' as my bus attendant so put it. No one asks why soldiers were supposed to fire live bullets in the air (!). No one wants to know why the red shirts were ready to fight. The Bangkok Post seems to believe, as cited by the Foreign Minister and Red Shirt leaders, that there was some kind of terrorist killing people downtown. This does seem to be a convenient way to explain a pitched battle that could border on civil war. I mean if there were terrorists, foreigners and Thai would be alot more secure investing here, right?

8) I love how the Thai Foreign Minister, Kasit Piromya, blames all the countries that have 'harbored' Thaksin for the violence that occurred over the weekend. What am I supposed to tell my students the next time they blame someone else for their performance?

9) Is there anyone out there that can brainstorm? Can someone come up with a political solution that addresses the impasse? Elections now, sixth months from now? Is there another idea? I'll try one for you, then if you want, come up with one yourself. If Abhisit resigns now, elections in sixth months (no law changes), while the King serves as Prime Minister for the sixth month period.

10) I keep thinking about that scene near Khao San Road last weekend. I wasn't there, but I think about the people that lost their lives.

One More

2010-04-13T20:17:00.000-07:00

Here's my second confession: vanity is one of my biggest sins. First off, I'm always worrying about how I look. That's a struggle that I think we all address. Not so much of a confession for a gay guy :-P.

Anywho, my vanity though is more than skin deep; it is an intellectual vanity that often causes negative thinking. For example, a recent trip to Cambodia found me at the Thai/Cambodian border town of PoiPet. For those of you that do not know it, many people have described the city as the armpit of the world :-P. It is teeming with dust and dirt, the heat is deadening and oppressive, and the people are extremely aggressive. Once you cross the border there, the casinos line the streets for the Thai to gamble, and the Cambodians latch on to western looking people trying their best to sell you anything at a greatly inflated price.

When I crossed, there were no less than 5 Cambodian people following me from one border stop to the next, calling at me in English, touching my clothes, and pulling at my backpack. One woman tried to sell me a $5.00 bottle of water. Another man tried to give me a $40.00 ride to Angkor Wat, but offered a Thai guy (in Thai) a ride for $15.00 (when asked he told me I would get a bigger and better car). One dude correctly pegged me, and wanted me to meet a 'boy' about ten minutes down the main street.

I didn't want any of it, and actually got quite upset by these people. I got so upset in fact that I yelled at each of them throwing out some expletives along the way, kind of making a scene outside of some Diamond casino. It was kind of embarassing now that I think about it.

That night, thinking to myself about that town, I started to wonder why I got so upset? What did these people do that got to me? The best thing I came up with was that they were so aggressively lying to me about the costs of the services they were offering. It offended me, I think, that they were insulting my intelligence in such a flagrant way. The more I thought about it, the more I wondered about that anger. If I was so upset about a lie, why didn't I get more riled up over Santa Claus or Bill Clinton. Answer, those lies weren't so insulting to my ability to analyze a situation (or were they :-P?) or understand a service or gimmick (Did I spell that write :-P?).

The lies in Cambodia were aggressive distortions meant to deceive me. That angered me greatly, but what did the anger get me? Did it help me solve any of the problems or actually get a bottle of water? I don't think so, it just made me look bad in front of a bunch of Thai hi-so gamblers ready to lose some money to whoever (Thaksin?) owns the casinos in a tiny border hamlet known as the armpit of the world. That says something about me, still not sure what it says about the town of Poi Pet.

I Wasn't Lying

2010-04-13T20:09:00.000-07:00

I do have confessions to make. Number 1, I am a hypocrite. I cheated on my boyfriend. He forgives me I think, but I want to know why i did it. Today's answer is: I had not seen him in two weeks. I was lonely. There are still guys that call me, or want to hang out. I ended up seeing one at a market near my house. He walked around with me for awhile. There was some talking and then a hand touching me. Some whispering and then we ended up in my room. I'm not proud of what I did. I just know that it happened and it wasn't spur of the moment. I love it when people say, 'Oh it just happened.' By using that phrase we make it seem like there was no time for decision making. We all know that's not true. There's always the meet. Then the look. The talk. The travel back to my house or a private place. The walk. Then the actual act itself. Anytime there, we can turn back or make a decision to end things. To characterize it as a flippant decision is dishonest and not very thoughtful. That's my first confession for today.

This Time It's for Keeps

2010-04-10T09:59:00.000-07:00

The bloody streets tonight don't come as a result of volunteer donations. It looks like the government deployed armed troops downtown to disperse the red shirt crowd. To hear the Bangkok Post report, there were a 'couple thousand red shirts' there that needed to be moved. The moving I take it, didn't go so well, and sadly nine people are dead.

Does anyone else see this as a serious problem? No matter how the Bangkok Post and Thai media spin it, the situation has spiraled out of control as a direct result of these deaths. Not surprisingly, the government is now attempting 'talks' to disperse the red shirts through peaceful means.... To me this seems a little late.

In my opinion, it shows a complete misunderstanding of the government's bargaining position. By failing to compromise prior to this street battle, the door remained open for the red shirts to run amok. They did, and then the government hemmed and hawed without taking any real steps to address the red shirt leadership. Now, the new tack looks like a desperation move, and there is no doubt that the government has ceded its credibility.

Of course, the Prime Minister will blame the red shirts for instigating the violence (although I've only seen pictures with the Thai military shooting guns). That argument, however, misses the forest for the trees. The real issue is upholding the law, as the Bangkok Post so often likes to point out. So, how do you uphold the rule of law by raiding a protest you previously deemed lawful with soldiers carrying loaded weapons?

Spin it or argue it however you want, the government and the Prime Minister made serious miscalculations today. You cannot maintain order when you've lost the moral high ground. People died, and someone in government is going to have to answer for that.

Protest Paragon

2010-04-03T20:27:00.001-07:00

I have a couple confessions to post soon, but today I just wanted to comment on the recent developments in downtown Bangkok. Yesterday, I was riding a favorite bus from downtown, when the bus attendant told everyone to exit due to some 'red shirt nonsense.' Previously, I thought they were in the old part of the city, but it looks like they've migrated.

Maybe the leadership woke up. Maybe Thaksin finally realized how to hit the government and the other deep-pocket hi-so Thais. Maybe they realized that the area where they were, just didn't have the same kind of amenities. Regardless, they've taken over Siam Paragon, the high class shopping center of Bangkok.

Interesting idea. I wonder what's going to happen now that the government has issued a serious sounding order to disperse.

Bait and Switch

2010-03-16T08:34:00.000-07:00

As evidenced by the previous posts, you can see that I am becoming THAT guy. I have seen it happen many times, and thought, that's not really my style. I don't really have that capability for being 'upset' in the western sense of the word.

I'm beginning to think though that it's inevitable. Western people must have some kind of intercultural meltdown after living here.

The thing is, I am always exasperrated by the person that feels the need to continually complain about things. I tend to follow the rank and file with the blanket suggestion to those people with a Thai problem: If you don't like it, go home.

That's something I've thought about after some chance meetings with Thai people.

I'm not so sure though if it's me, or it's them. I'm just having a hard time seeing the positive today maybe. Or perhaps, I'm just falling in the line with the generations before me. Maybe then, I'm a cliche' or more likely, a hypocrite.

Gritting Them

2010-03-16T08:16:00.000-07:00

My story in Bangkok as of late would be piecemeal and -- more importantly -- dishonest if I didn't write how I feel lately. I have days where I deal with the people here in Bangkok, and I just want to tear my hair out! I know it sounds queeny and derisive, but I honestly have days where I can't stand Thai people. What is wrong with me?

Can I not see the humor in things or myself anymore?

Two days ago, I watched a Thai film translated as Me... Myself. Granted, I was still experiencing the above before I watched this movie, but I was still appalled. It wasn't the message or quality of the movie. I just couldn't stand the people, the humor, the ideas. All of it spoke of caddyness and the stuff of shallow lives that I always avoided in high school. Not that high school is that different than the real world. I digress.

The story line revolved around a particularly self-centered ad executive, who is impolite and unfeeling about most everything in her life. She takes care of a little boy (her nephew), who is surprisingly (but of course, correct by Thai entertainment standards) kind and loving.

The story moves on to her finding a form of 'love' with an amnesia-stricken, lonely kathoey (lady-boy in Thailand). Yeah, for one thing it did spin a sexually complicated yarn. I digress again. The gay/straight issues didn't really bother me.

The issue that most annoyed me was the characterization of this woman's career. The movie, by way of not-so subtle innuendo showed that Thai people respect a person that works in ads, and makes money by selling things. I'd realized this before, after spending some time watching a party or two in Bangkok's 'high society' (overrun with teenagers and the dreamers) shopping plaza, Siam Paragon. I'd never seen so many bleached people trying to look cool and beautiful for a camera (Btw, I come from a State a good distance from California :P, and they're tan/orange anyway).

Yeah, so she is told by her ex-boyfriend that she isn't 'talented' enough at her job. That is until, he sees her direct a show (talking in to a walkie talkie a whopping four times) where models dance, quickly move behind a pole, and then come out on the other side with fresh new outfits. The boyfriend and the crowd are duly impressed with this feat, and she is therefore considered by all in attendance to be extremely talented.

Is that all it takes here? I don't know how accurately this reflects the evaluation of today's current ad executives, but educated guess, I don't think it's too far from the truth. I can't count how many commercials and ads that use these 'tricks' to sell me my phone company, my pizza, or my face cream.

My question then also becomes: what do Thai people really do? What do they make? They seem to prize selling, having someone put on a show, or talk into a walkie talkie. But what is that they really create and export that's their own. Lol, I know, I see the things that come out of America: reality tv, spray-on tans, and the snuggy.

Maybe that's part of my problem. I realize more and more that this country is not so different than my own. Taking more, buying more --- that's what we do.

Part of America's issues though stem from a deep seated root that alot of us don't want to admit. We're buying, but we're not replenishing. The accounts are getting lower, but there's not a whole lot that comes from America anymore. Simply put: no one's buying from us. We just have television and movies, and some people might think that's not a great deal to be proud of. In my opinion, after entertainment, America just has the remnants of past success and a really dangerous military.

Setting the American issue aside, I am interested and simultaneously, annoyed with the ideas of Thai people and sales. What are they selling? Is any of it really Thai, or does it come from foreign companies who have made a connection with a locally powerful individual to sell products and services in this country?

I know I'm being unreasonable and lashing around, but still, it just seems strange when the only thing I know a Thai exported is Red Bull. And wasn't that with the help of some Austrian guy? They did make that right?

I probably need a course in Thai History and Innovations to set me 'straight.' :-)

What Color Is Pity

2010-03-16T07:48:00.001-07:00

I don't generally express my Thai political opinions to friends. Often, I find it somewhat preachy/haughty to explain my thoughts on leadership and democracy to anyone, save for my family who usually misses me and thus forgives my run-on, nonsensical ideas. What do I know ( rhetorical question ?:)) ?

So, the hesitancy, yeah, I'm trying to articulate to myself why it's necessary.

Part of it is my feeling that most people don't want to hear my/your Thai opinions. Part of it also is my mindfulness of Americans -- and the perception of them :-P -- that keeps me quiet when people are arguing over the Thai Yellow/Red Shirt divide. People believe Americans think they know everything :-), and I don't want to contribute to this perception... but... I just can't help myself :-P! I want to say something, so I have to write about it. The Quiet American :-P? Apologies in advance :-).

This weekend I made a run downtown to my favorite bookshop (I replenish every week at Khao San Road), and I took the opportunity to stroll down near the red shirt rally. I have to say that I was quite... pleased :-). Thousands of people were dancing, jumping, and hollering, expressing something about the current state of politics, and Thai society.

This sounds bad I know, but I was truly surprised that a democratic movement here could create a message. People had an opinion, and it wasn't shaped by their television set, their newspaper, or their elementary/middle/high school education.

They cared, and it had nothing to do with clothing, plastic surgery, or skin whitening.

That feeling of excitement and passion was palpable, and it made me identify with Thai people for the first time in maybe a month. I know the way alot of this sounds, but I can't help or change these feelings right now. Or maybe I just won't change them, or alter my perspective. I might be happy now nursing some form of dislike. That's for another post... Anyway, so many people were displaying their shirts proudly, without remorse. They were marching, chanting, pleading for a 'democratic entitlement.' Perhaps, being gay, allows me to better identify with this now.

Anyway, I saw some of the rally, again impressed with the participants' fervor. I took a couple photos, and then took my books back home, lounging for awhile, and checking the news. I scrolled through story after story about the red shirts and their cause. Took a look at the weather. Then I read the Bangkok Post.

What struck me most about all of my news hounding that day: the media is reporting on the red-shirt movement, but the reporting itself is quite distracting. The real stories seem to center on class perceptions and politics in this country. The events become secondary.

"There weren't that many people." "The red shirts were realizing that Thaksin is using them." "Red shirts did not meet their attendance goal." "Red shirts numbers dwindling" Etc. Etc.

To read the Bangkok Post/The Nation reporters tell it, the Red Shirts are poorly organized. Poor planners. Poor thinkers. They're confused, and thus don't really understand Thailand or what it takes to run a country. They're like young children that need our understanding and a stern lecture from those more 'educated.'

The papers have a concern for national pride, tourism dollars, and perhaps therefore, international perception. Many of the stories seemed to contain some vague reference to 'help stations' designed to address tourist and international 'misunderstanding.' Anyway, these concerns also express a thinly-veiled derision for a movement unsupported by the Bangkok majority.

Yes, you really need to know -- again -- that (the fugitive) Thaksin is pulling the strings behind the red shirt movement, and he's not doing a particularly good job.

I found these to all be interesting points, but none of them particularly touch on the tenor of the rally or the degree of nationwide support for the Red-shirts' ultimate goal (dissolve parliament, fresh elections). I think that's interesting, and kind of sad really.

Sad because these people have very little leadership. Everyone is always changing their minds, postponing meetings, rescheduling rallies, looking disorganized. Basically, they're doing what most if not all people do, but they're doing it on a national stage with reporters at the ready to report on these logistical issues, while the message is lost.

So then, it's also sad that the media fail to accurately provide an objective account of the red shirt platform (calling for a true elected government, ending social inequality, discrediting entrenched, wealthy elite families); they'd rather report on the red-shirt missteps or, failures. This, I suspect, has to do with social interests, and the interests of the people who actually live in Bangkok, the majority of whom do not agree with red-shirt arguments. It's probably fear too; these people understand that the red-shirts are likely the majority opinion in Thailand so visions of Thaksin's re-re-re-election likely keep them tossing and turning at night.

It's also sad that the Thai rock wall between rich and poor is quite steep, and most (save for one previous multi-billionaire) red shirts fall within the latter category. This, I believe, is the true heart and crux of the issue here.

The red shirts are generally (save the former billionaire) impoverished people, and thus, no matter the message, your average farmer simply can't afford democracy at all costs. So if there's no money to leave a job more than a day or two, a continued rally seems unlikely, and they certainly cannot control a large media outlet with cash and connections to shape a nationwide message.

So Spirited rallies, singing, and dancing can only take you so far. Eventually, the money faucet is tightened, and everyone knows the party can't continue.

Desperation starts to creep in.

This movement, meshed together by outrage, therefore turns to its bereft leadership, who recognize, in a frenzied, angry fashion, that blood is the answer. Granted, it's not violence, but it might disgust the public even more. With little time, the excitement of a recent rally turned to collecting protester blood samples. Blood that is poured on the steps of public buildings, running along sidewalks, seeping in to cracks --- indelible pictures for everyone, all over the world, to witness.

Marxism aside, maybe they want to send a message in grand Brahman fashion. But, I'm afraid that their recent chosen medium might not bring about their intended consequences.

I'm afraid that their 'message' will actually reinforce a sterotype and 'truth,' propogated in newspapers I read: the red-shirts really are angry, they really are serious, and they really are dangerously uneducated.

Truth or justice then is no longer material, especially now that one side is painted as uninformed, unqualified, and unable. Telling me about democracy is great, but exposing me to blood-born pathogens kind of turns me off. In this vain :-), the message might have a similar effect on all parties looking on, as blood is left on the government's door step, and no one knows what to do next.

Complacency

2010-02-28T03:53:00.000-08:00

To Whom It May Concern:

I saw you there. I'm not going to lie and say I wasn't interested. It was a public bathroom, the Hua Lamphong public bathroom, which you know if you live here makes it more intimidating, filthy, sloppy. Plus, I'd made a similar mistake before. Anyway, I saw you staring. I know you were curious, so was I. But I have a boyfriend now. We get along really great. He's sweet. Kind. He never treats me badly, but sometimes he forgets me as me. Human, selfish, sexual. I know you don't really care. You probably have your own boyfriend. Probably some foreigner who goes out and looks for other boyfriends, hook-ups, whatever too. That's ok. I'm not judging you. I can't just turn around though and do like other people do. That's a guilt thing. Something that comes from home, nothing really to do with you or your culture. I think you guys are without alot of the guilty hang-ups that I seem to carry around (don't think it's all good, I think sometimes that guilt keeps us sane and living in a moment, making more solid decisions as we grow older). Anyway, I saw you -- all of you -- I could have followed like you looked like you wanted. I know you followed me for awhile. The thing is, I need to keep living simply. If I don't, I'm always wanting more, things I think I should have but don't. Coveting something. Sometimes living here makes me think I deserve to have more, be more --- consume. That thought is selfish and scary. So I can't follow you to your apartment, mine, or the Hua Lamphong bathroom stall. I have to go home, rest, and work the next day.

Rusting

2010-02-27T19:53:00.000-08:00

As gay people, what do we share?

Commonly, I think there's an aesthetic appreciation --- Oscar Wilde being our vocal torch bearer. Perhaps the aesthetic is innate in us, it might be part of the gene. If it is in fact nature that defined our sexual orientation.

Anyway, I worry about what that aesthetic appreciation does to me. Does it cause unconscious judgment? Rude behavior? Caddyness?

I thought about this as I looked at myself this morning, examining lines, hair, and my fingernails.

A Sherpa

2010-02-27T03:55:00.000-08:00

We were sitting in a movie, my boyfriend and I. He moved his hand a little to the left, mine moved to the right. They met, and we held there for the duration of Avatar. That was a feat I thought, as the movie lasted almost three hours. It was a visually stunning idea, but I thought alot of it was formulaic and preachy (;-)). Just a little too overt for my liking I guess.

Kind of like the regular Sunday American sermons (am I going to hell for that?), ie, you do something contrary to natural law, you will get yours....

The film ended with most characters getting theirs, and me looking for a way to the exit. Nearly four hours had passed, and I was really hungry.

"Hey," my boyfriend said, "can we meet my friends for dinner? They're all off work and want to eat together."

With my boyfriend, that generally means, "we're eating together, do you want to eat?" I went along with it, but knew what the end result would be.

We always end up going out with them, and they talk animatedly, getting excited about their jobs, life, and planned cosmetic enhancements (usually the nose :)). I just kind of sit back and quietly finish my Miso soup. The talk goes on for awhile and eventually they get bored and then want to talk to me.

I'm always uncomfortable with that. I feel like I'm on display. A show animal or figure maybe, sitting alone just kind of enjoying my banana or chew toy, when up goes the curtain, and there I am in a stadium surrounded by people and some guy with a shiny suit, a whip, and a wooden chair. Maybe that last part is a fantasy ;-).

Anyway, when I'm on like that at the Thai dinner table, it means I have to speak Thai, and my boyfriend, just kind of sits by. He smiles and then corrects my pronunciation or words that are wrong (we never speak Thai together).

Meanwhile, everyone else gets to watch, and my quiet respite with Miso is shattered by my service as Thai entertainer as everyone listens and laughs.

Maybe that's my own problem. No one asked me to entertain did they? Perhaps they just want to talk, and I'm infusing that with my sense of disquiet.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I should be practing my Thai more. I moved here. There are hurdles. But I seem to be the one who comes up with them. Less excuses, more work. Learning a language, and learning Thai people is a real challenge. I have to work harder, and complain alot less.

Oooh La, La La la

2010-01-18T07:40:00.000-08:00

This is the strange, original, parodied, analyzed, self-styled, borrowed, beautiful, and, I think, really talented Lady Gaga. I don't care if people think she is anti-pop. It also doesn't matter to me if original ground and outlandish sets have blossomed before (David Bowie, Prince, etc.).

The splashing, unconventional and humorous originality of this music is fantastic and amazing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrO4YZeyl0I&feature=channel

Fascinating. And who can pull off a New-Age, androgyneous, Club-Kid Obee Wan Kenobi (?) outfit like Lady Gaga? Say what you want about my country. At the very least, we have an extremely creative economy :-).

Sawatdee Pii Mai :-)

2010-01-06T17:53:00.001-08:00

Happy New Year all! My wish for you is health, happiness, and a nice, cold glass of cha mannow. It's a Thai delicacy (jing jing (really)). Just trust me, it'll change your life, and the frequency of your dental visits. Sweet :-).

Without further ado, here's my Thai Top 10 from 2009 (no particular order). With the last post in my mind (too long), I'm going spartan ;-):

1) Students - Many of them are really kind and sweet. These kids may not turn out to run the country, but they will make it a better place to live.

2) Politics- It's just so much fun! Maybe the people involved take it seriously, but I'm not sure many Thai do. Then again, I see demonstrations on TV, and I'm not so sure. Maybe I just don't understand Thai people at all --- not that understanding the Thai is that important when reading about the politics. The intrigue is just fascinating :-).

3) Intercultural Exhange- There are people here from everywhere, and you can talk to them if you want. There's an area for Africans (what do they do here?), Russians, Chinese, Japanese, Belgian, and Burmese. You want to talk to new people, Bangkok is a good place to try :-).

4) Acceptance- You know, I never worry about acceptance here. If someone doesn't like gay people, short people, me :-), it doesn't matter to me anymore. In America -- and I'm not sure why -- I used to care.

5) Pattaya- This might be controversial, but I enjoy Pattaya. I like to walk along the beaches in the day time, and watch the strange ladyboys and prostitutes walking the streets at night. There's something freeing about freedom --- that is, capitalist freedom.

6) Ken Diradeth (thai guys)- There are some really beautiful and handsome guys here, and surprisingly, there is Asian diversity in Thailand. I really like Ken because I imagine him to be the kind of cute, sensitive guy I could meet and fall in love with. Then again, he might be out of my league :-). Yeah, he is.

7) MRT- I don't know how the BTS can be so different from the MRT (the subway in Bangkok). Where the BTS is trapped, crowded, and poorly managed, the MRT seems to get it right. The trains are always moving, the people in a semblance of direction, and the stations are spacious/well-lit. There's also the attendants there, the people selling the tickets are cute and friendly. I flirt with a guy at the Silom spot often ;-).

8) Markets/Shopping- Yeah if you remember my last post about materialism, you know now I'm a line-toeing hypocrite. There's something so satisfying though about buying a bow tie, plaid pants, and a perfect-fitting leather jacket. You can't find that kind of stuff in my home town :-).

9) Speaking Thai- There's a mystery and excitement about learning a foreign language. The added bonus is its tonal beauty. To hear some women speak it, you'd think yourself transplanted back to childhood, your mother humming a lullaby as you drifted off to sound, innocent dreams.

10) Gay- Maybe it's not the healthiest gay climate, but it's fun and free nonetheless. Here, you can do or be what you want. If it's reinvention you're looking for, you can find it here. That might be why a gay man finds Thailand so fascinating. It could be Ken Diradeth too.

Happy New Year again everyone. Wish you all the best in 2010!

Backfire

2009-12-25T17:46:00.000-08:00

So to those religiously (Christian) or festively minded :-), Merry Christmas :-). I hope you had a great day, spent time with your friends/family, and ate dinner together ;-)! My Christmas was really nice. Some friends and I ate Chinese food, and we exchanged gifts while the restaurant customers looked on with amusement. When I won a 'Hello Kitty' pillow in the gift draw, everyone in the restaurant cheered :-). It was a great memory :-).

Now, New Years is here, and I wanted to take the opportunity to jot down a couple of lists. I'm not sure how it will go over :-), but I figure after 1+ years in Bangkok, I needed to write a couple Top 10 Lists :-P. In my notebook I have scribbled down some ideas on my top likes and dislikes in the new hometown/country. I wanted to write them down on the blog, and examine why they irk/excite me :-).

Being an enthusiastic, eternal optimist, I think I want to end the year on a positive note with a post Monday or Tuesday, so today is my top 10 dislikes in the City of Angels/Thailand. This list is not all-inclusive, but these are at the top. They are in no particular order, just how they came to me... I will try to keep the harsh words (invective) to a minimum.

Ok, with no further ado, here we go:

1. Straws - Do you guys ever go to 7/11 here? I got an email a while ago from a reader that was surprised Bangkok had 7/11s. Americans are sheltered :-P. Yeah so, like probably most people in Bangkok, I go to 7/11, and am consistently exasperrated by the young Thai people that work there. My problem is the straw, and now that I mention it, the plastic bag too. Every time you buy a drink, the cashier always provides you a straw and a bag with that drink. You can request that the straw/bag combination be kept, but I assure you, most people will just look at you quizzically. Thereafter, they will put the water bottle and straw in your bag, like you didn't even tell them that it was rejected. I need to be more forceful, "No, I do not want that straw or that plastic bag!!!" Lol, instead I get it anyway, along with one plastic bag and straw for every bottle of water I buy. Ayyyyaaaa :-).

I was hoping to read something on the Thai involvement in the climate change summit last week in Norway, I was crossing my fingers that Prime Minister Abhisit might agree to corral the workers at 7/11. I'm still waiting.... I wonder how Prime Minister Abhisit drinks his bottled water?

2. Pollution- Ok, this one is overdone, and well-known. People around the world are generally familiar with Bangkok's pollution and traffic problems. I just want to put in my two cents: the afternoons are the worst :-(. If you want to get from one place to another between 3:00 and 7:00p.m., I'd advise bringing some hand sanitizer, facial cleanser, and/or a gas mask. The pollution from the factories (I live not far from an industrial center :), the traffic, and the local lady grilling her chicken will rock your world. She is always smoking, that chicken lady...

3. Planning- So maybe if there was like some kind of plan (not sure if people would follow, but you can try), the pollution problem could be mitigated. Maybe the amount of cars could be limited, pollution controls could be enacted, or we could just all agree to ride bicycles. That's just a thought, but I think the Thai in charge would smile, nod their head, and move quickly to the Mercedes parked outside, instructing their people to avoid the 'climate-change crazy' at all costs.
Btw, who's to say that even if plans were enacted here, people would follow the rules. I don't know what the exact aversion is to thoughtfully planning government projects, but I suspect one problem might be actually enforcing the (any) law here. People don't think the rules apply, or they have enough cash on hand to know the rules don't really matter. Have cash? Go ahead, break the law. How many rich drug dealers or child molesters do you read about in Thai jail?

4. BTS (The Bangkok Skytrain)- Here's a Thai 'planning' case in point. I am just going to say this first, "I do not like the BTS." You can quote me :-P. Lol, I do want to point out that I think the mass transit idea is excellent. Ultimately, it has to be the solution when addressing an already overcrowded city, dealing with a burgeoning population. I think it was a great idea! The issue with the BTS, however, is that it's not in the hands of planners. Case in point, my boyfriend and I were going to a restaurant near Wong Wian Yai two months ago, and we rode the Rot Fai Fa (Skytrain). The time was around 6:30 p.m. so the cars were packed (uncomfortably) with people (is that a banana in your pocket). About two stops prior to our exit, the train came to a halt, and didn't move for 25 minutes! The air-conditioning became warm and stale; people were coughing; kids were crying, (a gay nightmare) etc. I asked my boyfriend why we were stopped, and he said that the planners for the project didn't realize that the skytrain would be expanded, so they didn't build two adjoining tracks at some stations (even though they had plans for many other BTS lines all over Bangkok 10 years ago, (sigh)). That means that one train will have to stop while waiting for others to pass at the point where tracks actually run parallel. He said sometimes people wait a long time.

"Don't worry," he said smiling, "they're buying five more trains next year so the problem should be solved." "What about the other lines, are they building?" I asked. "There's no news about that, but the new trains are supposed to be really beautiful." Then, he winked. Indeed.

5. Thai lines (queues?)- I actually first noticed this on the BTS my first couple days in Thailand. Many people did not wait in a line when boarding the train. If you were standing there waiting for the next car, a Thai person might just slip right in front of you to board and get a seat. At first, I thought it might just be a couple rude people, but the more I looked, the more I noticed it --- Impatience is everywhere. It doesn't matter how many people are waiting, no one really stands in line. I've seen it in the convenience stores, waiting to purchase my Oishi green tea (bag and straw included). I've also seen it while my friend drives, everyone cutting in and out of dense traffic, no one staying in a lane that is waiting; thereafter, huge traffic jams piling up. Maybe someone can enlighten me on this, but I still can't understand why a line or queue is so strange to the Thai (I saw it in China too btw).

I've seen the rules at BTS Stations in English and Thai, encouraging people to wait in line, away from the fronts of doors, so passengers can easily exit the train. It sounds nice in practice, but no one follows these rules (Number 3 :-P), so they generally use a bullhorn and whistle to corral Thai people in some form of order during rush hours. I've seen that alot lately, the whistle is used extensively to herd the masses. It might be just me too, but I also noticed something else about the Thai people that don't wait in line: they're the ones always carrying a Siam Paragon shopping bag or driving their shiny black Mercedes. Maybe I'm just sensitive though.

6. Thai consumerism- If you haven't noticed it, the Thai like the 'good things in life' and those usually involve something they can have. The hi-so people who are lucky enough to enjoy the 'good things' usually love to flaunt it too. I cannot begin to describe this lifestyle of Thai people or their 'culture,' so I invite you to read the numerous magazines in Bangkok centering on the Bangkok hi-so. It's definitely different from the average Thai living in the city; I don't think the hi-so Thai ride the bus.... Anyway, their pictures and their social events (the new Hugo Boss collection, Prada Opening, Burberry coats, etc.) are quite beautiful and extravagant, making most Thai people who read comment excitably. It makes me a bit squeamish. Not because it is so Thai, but because it is so human. Everywhere I go, people want to live in 'luxury' and they want to look like a beautiful actor/actress/rich person. The issue is that only the rich people usually get it, and it usually comes to second/third generation moneyed families. This might not be so much Thai, it's just that it's everywhere else I go. Maybe this is a disappointment not about Bangkok/Thailand, but about my travels? Maybe it's a problem with me.

7. Bangkok Post- You might wonder why I read about these hi-so people and their lifestyle? Well, I have to say that I mostly find it in the Bangkok Post magazines. Actually, I can find all kinds of articles about the newest hotels, the hottest play spots, and the newest products that will make my skin glowing white on the glossy pages of the Post. All of it sounds and looks so lovely, so happy, and so utterly fake, that I cannot honestly take seriously much of what I read from the Post's 'serious news.' Maybe I'm jaded, but the stories and opinions I find in the paper are often slanted greatly in favor of the moneyed. That might have something to do with Post ownership. Then again, everybody has their opinion and might disagree with me. Maybe the yellow shirts think the Post is too harsh on them. I am just going to say that I am not a huge fan.
I will say this, if I ever need to find a hotel in Bali or where the 'fugitive Thaksin Shinawatra is,' I can usually find that news in the Post.

8. Ceremony- Wow, this is getting long. Ok I'll try to shorten this one. Every time I seem to go to a ceremony in Thailand, there has to be a part during the festivities where we honor the person who has the most money or who has some form of government power. Take a recent honor for the teachers day. We had a ceremony at my last school that required all students to honor their teachers. I thought that sounded like an interesting idea, but it was kind of disappointing. When I arrived for the ceremony, I saw that the 'owner' of the school was placed in a form of golden chair to sit at the front of our large auditorium, and all students were required to spend most of the ceremony waiing and kneeling in front of her, providing her various forms of offerings and flowers. I'm not sure what that really had to do with teachers, and I thought it was kind of strange. Then again, maybe I was jealous :-P.

9. Ethnocentrism/Racism- I've written about this before, but I can't get over how many people base their opinions on skin color. Yesterday, I walked by some students that commented on my intense 'whiteness' and went on to talk about how to get that 'white.' I also saw an African-American male lose out on a job opportunity because people thought he was from "Africa." A couple months ago, I also heard a story from my Thai friend about a school principal that could not get over the color of a South African fellow he hired to teach English. "You're lucky," the principal supposedly said, "you must have only gotten white blood and very little of the black in you." That is just wrong. I love how the Thai people often tell westerners that we need to understand their ways better and to accept cultural differences (the way they accept and understand South Africans :-)). That is interesting and important (for many reasons), but there are some things I just can't accept. Some things really are just wrong.

10. Foreigner laws- Ok last one. I'm running out of steam :-). The Thai people are always pleading for westerners to attempt greater understanding of Thai culture and practice. That is quite interesting to me, especially when I evaluate the laws applicable to foreigners living here. We can't own property. We can't own a majority stake in a business. Loans and police treatment are different for foreigners, and there is no insurance protection for foreign children born here. Those children, moreover, are not granted Thai citizenship even if they've never lived anywhere else. They might speak Thai, feel Thai, and love Thailand, but they are still considered 'outsiders.' I would like to point out that none of these laws encourage foreigners to attempt greater understanding of the Thai culture and people. In my opinion, they just create resentment and further divisiveness for westerners living here and those looking in to Thailand. That might be the idea behind the laws. If so, ok.

I have also heard that the laws are used to protect the Thai people and the Thai way of life from foreign influences. Ok too, but then how do you explain the Chinese people who arrived here over five or six generations. Those people, for the most part, seem to be doing pretty well here (See Number 6 and 7 :-P), and their culture has most certainly infiltrated ideas and lifestyles of the Thai.

Ok, I'm going to leave it at that for today. Next time, I want to talk about the top 10 positives I've encountered over the past year here. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and Merry Kwanzaa. Sorry if missed one by the way, you're welcome to tell me :).

Cooler Weather

2009-12-21T20:38:00.001-08:00

In the evenings, the weather in Bangkok has turned for the better. I can walk the neighborhood, and make out the faint twinkle of stars against a backdrop of dented tin houses across the street. Cool gusts of breeze rustle the foliage lining my local park, and the evening Christmas lights create this almost festive feeling in the moobahn (neighborhood). The weather is nice, and it's really beautiful.

I've been taking advantage of the accat dee :-) after work, and taking daily evening strolls. It's a good way to enjoy my days and my life here. I can appreciate the moments better and work at calming my mind. It might sound strange in Bangkok, but I can actually think about nature as well as be friendly with the local people. It's been nice.

Last night, I went to a new restaurant behind the neighborhood park, and I ordered some food as rowdy locals spoke excitably of Abhisit, Thai Soccer, Cars, and girls. They gave me a cursory glance, and spouted on as I read my book in relative solitude.

After about 10 minutes or so of reading, the head chef/proprietor made an appearance, and asked me about my order in Thai. I replied simply and without much in the way of description, and the conversation in the restaurant stopped immediately with all the Thai staring at me, surprised that I understood the question and formulated a Thai reply.

"Oh he speaks Thai very well," everyone spoke excitably.

"Foreigner understands, foreigner understands!" came over and over again.

The happy patrons cheered and offered me a glass of whiskey for my 10 Thai words :-). By cultural obligation, I accepted their generosity. One drink had me feeling tipsy :-P.

I maybe sat in the restaurant for a total of 45 minutes, and said about 30 Thai words in total. It is agreed though that my Thai is very good. "You speak Thailand very well," one of my new friends complimented.

That was a heart warming way to end my 'cool' evening walk last night, even if my Thai is not very good. The weather is nice, my Thailand is very well, and I'm listening to alot of Miley Cyrus on my Ipod (don't tell anyone please). Life here is happy and nice :-). Happy holidays :-)!

Tiny Desk Concert

2009-12-14T18:40:00.000-08:00

I love music from home. It blends so much because 'home' isn't just one culture, style, or country. It's the combination of so much from everywhere. Diversity creates such beautiful art.

Watch out, next week's post might be about music...

So, I got an email the other day that somehow knew the 'top Google searches' that brought people to my blog. I'm not quite sure how this person knows this information and I don't.... You might not believe it, but I'm not really sure who actually reads...

Anyway, I scrolled through his information and came upon the following search in 10th position, "too intelligent to be happy." A light smirk crossed my generally steely veneer :-) as I thought back to a recent incident.

If Google only knew...

When I first moved here I went to the local mall (not far from my aparment). That seems to be what everybody does on Sundays.

As I walked and shopped, I thought I noticed alot of fashionably dressed people, especially the younger guys. That didn't really surprise me I guess. I just thought maybe that Thailand was a poor nation and without a mall in the first place. That probably surprised me....

Yeah, I was sheltered....

Eventually, nature called as I was walking, and it just so happened that it rang while I was passing through an upper floor near a restroom.

I entered this restroom and noticed that many of the fashionably dressed boys in the crowd also felt a similar need to use the facilities. Everyone was sidled up next to each other, taking care of their business at urinals without partitions.

It wasn't a big deal to me at first, I pulled up at the one open urinal and prepared myself. The process is usually quick and easy (still in my 20's ;-P), but that day it was rough to get started. It makes me uncomfortable when someone else is around watching, and the boy next to me was looking (more staring) at me!

I started to look from side to side and it finally dawned on me that this was in fact a cruising spot (I am really dense sometimes). Those snappy dressers were all the local Thai gay guys, and all of them were taking turns, stealing glances at each other and their neighbors 'equipment.' :-).

You know, I knew about this in America, but I tended to steer clear of those bathrooms at home. Toilet stuff just makes me uncomfortable and it's not a turn-on... well....

So anyway, my neighbor just wanted to see, and at first I tried to turn away, but eventually I just really had to go. I started and he kept trying to get a look. I kept trying to turn away, but it took me a minute to do. He eventually got his glance...

When I was done, I could have walked away, but I was curious now about him and about all of this. I just stood there, trying to steal a glance at him (don't ask me why...), and when our eyes met, it was definitely lust.

He was maybe 22, short but with broad muscular shoulders, brown eyes, and dark Thai looks. I was uhhh, attracted. He knew it.

He motioned towards a bathroom stall, and for some reason (well I really know actually), I followed him. He waited for me to enter and he locked the door. He took off his shirt (!) and made me take mine off too.

He was really muscular with a tight body and six pack. Both of us were attracted and excited.

We took a little time touching each other, then he got down to business, taking care of me in the stall. I'd never done anything like that before. I was blown away :-P.

He took my phone number and we talked a couple times, but never met again.

That was until the other day. I was walking to my class at another building of the university. Students were walking in a different direction, but I saw him walk by in his school uniform.

He saw me too, and we both registered recognition through shared anxiety :-P.

If I was so intelligent, don't you think I would have realized that all of the above was not such a good idea?

A comment earlier said, "Don't **** where you eat." I wish I would have thought about that comment a lot harder a year ago.

Just a Couple Thoughts...

2009-12-04T19:50:00.001-08:00

I don't want to focus on one particular thing today. Lately, I've just had a lot of things to stew on, and instead of delving into everything, I just want to write some cursory thoughts I had this week.

First is foreign loneliness. I've been here over a year now, and I read alot about foreigners abroad. I read alot about Asia.

I read alot about foreigners living in Asia.

My general sense is that alot of them/us seem lonely. Maybe it's just the people who have the time to post on the internet :-P... My sense is though that Asia makes for a very difficult cultural acclimation period. I think it has something to do with the way we look. I also think it has something to do with judgment. It's probably our personalities too.

Then again, it might be Thailand. I really only have one Thai friend...

Hm, at least I can always get a dumpling here. I could never find one of those in America :-)...

Ok, so I haven't written about this really before, but I switched jobs recently. Before it was the high school kids, who are now, always writing me on Facebook. The young whipper snappers learn fast :-P.

Anyway, now it's university, and I have a serious issue with some students...

The gay ones know I'm gay, and they want to practice their English :-). They just sense it I think. The gay-dar is acutely tuned here (or maybe it's just that there are so many gay people)... and well....

Yeah, I have gay students now who are "of-age," and learning the proper usage of an invitation :0). That is very dangerous water to tread here, and I have to be really careful --- often playing like I don't realize there is a mutual recognition.

That might not be the way to go by the way....

I need to figure out how to best handle this issue because I have a handful of students that have invited me to Or Tor Kor (however you want to spell it) or their house for dinner or whatever.

Yeah, I haven't told the guy I'm seeing about that so much. I think he knows about Thai students though...

I just haven't fielded the question from him yet, or maybe he just trusts me.

He's the same guy I wrote about before. His English is really excellent, and he seems to understand a good deal of western ways. I appreciate that. I need someone willing to listen to John Mayer, Okkervil River, and Lady Gaga with me....

He treats me with kindness and worries about my health. He gives me back massages after a long day of work, and sings me Thai music as the breeze sifts through my window screens in the cool (for this city anyway) Bangkok afternoons.

The weather has been really great lately. I've decided that I might go to the Northern Provinces near Burma for the holiday...

Today is the King's birthday. That's cool.

I think me and the boyfriend are going to hit Kanchanaburi and stay at a little guest house on the river Kwai. The area is so green and beautiful. I also hear they have an amazing fireworks display at the night market, where I can also supposedly bargain with insistent and hard-line Chinese merchants.

It's going to be a nice holiday I think :-).

I've got to admit, sometimes I am lonely in Bangkok. The place can be really rough for spells, especially in times of loneliness. For a land of smiles, sometimes the foreigners living here do not see them.

I think sometimes I just need to look. They're there. Being out and traveling sometimes just takes you away from the city folk and your bubble. That can be good....

Ok, those are my rambling thoughts for this morning. I have laundry to do, and then it's off to buy some Chinese luck bracelets. Happy King's birthday :-)

KawaTastic

2009-11-28T03:41:00.000-08:00

There I was logging on yesterday to write an entry about some things I've been doing in Bangkok. Boyfriend, language mistakes, taxis, work, Thong-Lor, and the Bed Supper Club, lol. There's alot I need to say, but it still doesn't seem right to write :-).

Heavy-hearted, I saw that a blogger here in Bangkok, Kawadjan, lost his Dad, and I've been thinking about it since I read his first entry.

Initially, I didn't know what, or whether, to say anything about it. I don't know what it's like to lose someone, and I don't want to pass on inappropriate or empty words....

Now that I think back to his entry about losing his dad, I start to realize he didn't know what to say to people who experienced loss either.

Knowing what to say can be really difficult for some of us. Many have trouble connecting; many of us can't really understand.....

In my heart, I feel there are really very few things one can voice when someone they care for loses family, friends, loved ones.

Now, I just think it takes action, caring takes action ------ or just maybe a word or two about them as people....

Gone, maybe, is the idea that we can ever really relate to or understand someone, so I've stopped trying to try. I'm not thereafter attempting to understand how they 'are coping' either. I just want to show I care, and now that I think about it, I'm still not sure whether we ever really know ourselves. In that vein, I'm thinking too that we probably never really know other people... anyway, I digress in a nonsensical way :-)...

Of the many things I am certain about loss is that things/people are always left behind.

From my reading, Kawadjan's father left behind people (his family) ---- and those are people, to me, to be proud of. I would feel proud. Kawadjan as a son has a great deal of talent. If you've ever read that blog, you know there's a guy with a sense of humor and an impeccable fashion sense ;-) (someone not afraid to be himself).

Under close inspection also :-), you see that Kawadjan's father has a son with a talent for writing, books, art and language. I'm always interested to see what's on his bedside table :-), and I read his writing with a big smile, happy at his turns of phrase and skill. I wish alot of times that I could write like that. That I could work like that. That I could travel and be fashionable and fabulous, and all things like that :-).

If a father has something to be proud of in this life, I should always think it's the talents and accomplishments of his labor and children that matter. If that was a measuring stick for Kawadjan's father, I would think he felt his life was complete, and full. I would think that he looked back with happiness on the people and life he left behind. Thinking of Kawadjan tonight, and my thought and prayers are with him and his family.

Black and Gifted

2009-11-13T04:07:00.000-08:00

I know this isn't usually a picture show, but I was really struck by a girl this week. It's just a passing thing btw, like when I was in high school and I had to find a girlfriend at the party or everyone would start talking.... Eventually, my eyes will drift to the class bad boy (or that really handsome nerd with glasses).... Ok, anyway, I've been watching her.

Her name is Lou Jing. She's an arts student in Shanghai, born to a married Chinese mother, who reportedly had an extra-marital affair with an African-American man. Beautiful and artistically talented, Lou recently appeared on a Chinese television program entitled "Go! Oriental Princess" (as best translated), and faired pretty well in the competition, making it down to the final 20 princesses (there's been some rumors about the quest for ratings).

Because of this, she became the subject of blogging discussion on the web, which in turn, drew media attention to the peoples' reaction. Apparently, the web discussion of Ms. Lou is now highly publicized because the comments are critical of her mother's infidelity and Ms. Lou's skin color/ ethnic origin.

Basically, they're racist.

I took some time to read up on them the other day, and it was kind of shocking really. People didn't seem to understand what they were saying was both racist and sexist, or they don't care, or I don't really understand Chinese culture ---- probably all of the above.

"How could she show herself on television?" some people asked.

"Her mother should feel shame," was also a comment I saw often.

Someone even wrote that "black" and "yellow" should not mix. "Ugh. Yellow people and black people mixed together is very gross…only black skin, not yellow skin, chocolate skin…" That was the exact comment.

I also caught this one from the many hundreds, "F***ed by a black.
How come a zebra wasn’t born…?"

Yeah, people really wrote it, and there's much more. I still can't get over it. I have a link here for the translated comments: http://www.chinasmack.com/stories/shanghai-black-girl-lou-jing-racist-chinese-netizens/

I also have some background for the reaction of western media. I know the story is kind of a stretch, jumping from Obama to Lou, but it's information nonetheless:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=120311417

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm not Chinese. I don't live there, and I don't speak the language very well at all. I get it.

Discrimination is not, I believe, a lingua-centric phenomena, and it doesn't take a native Chinese to verify that.

In my native country, I know that people do or don't get a job based on the color of their skin. That's discrimination. Most everyone agrees to that (what about people who don't get a job because they're unattractive... can these two issues overlap...).

It's also sometimes ok for a man to act a certain way while his female counterpart will be judged harshly for taking the same tack or making the same decision. Though not everyone sees it, that's discrimination too.

Lol, don't let me get started on who and who can't get married :-).

I see all of this in Thailand also, though it's usually said playfully and practiced insidiously.

A couple months ago, my friend and I watched a basketball game. The Thai commentators were talking about the lack of light in the arena, and one commented that the American (black) players could not be seen due to the blackness of their skin.... Remind me to tell you one day how many black people we have working at my school....

The idea that people are so deaf to the echoes of their words gets to me. The complete lack of personal respect and awareness is also surprising, especially in a place like China where many people work so hard to educate themselves.

Of course I know that there are Chinese who feel shameful that the discussion is even occurring in any forum, let alone an international new story...

To me, both race and the issue of infidelity probably shame the educated Chinese.

The idea that infidelity is so wrong can be understood. The problem I have, however, is that so many people in China understand that it does occur, especially in the ranks of the rich and powerful. It's understoond and almost expected.

So many rich and powerful people can keep mistresses and spend lavishly on the upkeep. They can afford it, and yeah, it really is expected.

Luckily for them, the ranks of the rich and powerful in China, are, overwhelmingly, members of the MALE gender.

That makes it pretty convenient for some people to keep a second or third romantic partner, while those people who aren't rich and powerful (ie, WOMEN) are required by social/moral standards to maintain fidelity to their partner.

Sorry Lou Jing's mom, you kind of got the short end of the stick there.

The race thing, I think, is a somewhat new issue in China (they've been in business in one form or another over 5,000 years). It's supposedly a country with over 50 minorities (different 'ethnicities' than the Han majority), but these 'minorities' still maintain similar physical traits to the majority and are often indistinguishable (maybe by the western eye) from the Han.

How many are black? I don't know, but most people know the Asian feelings regarding dark skin. ... That's why they have the whitening creams in every Bangkok pharmacy (yes, they have it in China too :-)).

So how are Chinese people going to react over mixing with other cultures as their country opens to commerce and international thought/judgment? The issue remains unclear, and it's open to interpretation as time passes so quickly, while monetary and intellectualy, growth continues at an exponential pace.

I'm interested in the Chinese reaction to race, what it means to be "Chinese," and their views on sexual orientation. I think all of it's changing so fast, and it's interesting to speculate on where things will go.

My reaction to Lou Jing and her mother is a strong one. On one hand, I feel like they are brave and deserve applause for appearing before China and beginning a dialogue that will push new views and old prejudices in to the Chinese spotlight. Be you, and don't apologize :-)!

On the other hand though, why them? I also feel that they are.... selfish (maybe?), wanting to be on television and showing themselves off for profit.

Then again, isn't that what so many people want ---- to be on TV, to be famous? That's really an issue that i have with fame and exhibtion. It isn't really Ms. Lou; it's the problem with fame or the desire of it....

Just because you want to be used in order to make money and be lauded for your beauty, thereafter using that for your future (maybe using other people), shouldn't you have the freedom to do that? That's what consumerism and (new) capitalism (communism, it's all the same now) are all about...

Why is it ok for a light skinned Chinese girl to do this and not Lou Jing?

Lol, I'll get to some gay stories. I'll get there, but come on guys, girls, gays, kings and queens, what can be more gay than a beauty pageant ;-)? I still watch those Ms. Universe re-runs.

Want Some Blow?

2009-11-10T19:22:00.000-08:00

:-), Sorry, I don't have any. If you were in my home country though, I might be able to hook you up....

Ok maybe not. Really, I am not a drug person, especially if you work for customs, the DEA, and/or any Thai police agency that arrests foreigners.

I can get you all kinds of stuff in the homeland though. The land of exported culture, consumerism, and drugs :-).

When I was home, I watched some tv. The time change was kind of rough on me so I found myself up late :-).

Every show I watched, the commercials were all for some kind of percieved illness. Erectile dysfunction, strange itches, depression, and.... sweaty hands. All of them have a wonder cure now, and you are encouraged to ask your doctor about it.

Still need a drug, watch American television.

I'm still trying to figure out exactly what that means for American culture.

One of the shows I caught on a late night jetlag nerve-racker was Nip/Tuck. It's an American show centering on cosmetic surgeons living in Los Angeles.

It's also so much more. The story line itself can be really really strange and nonsensical.

For me, it's not so much about the story as it is about the outrageous, outlandish, and ostentatious visuals. The story about plastic is full of these beautifully strange images and ideas that are so out there.

I really enjoy it. It's the art of it I think that really gets me.

I saw this one episode that had a song from the Chromatics, and it blew my mind. I have always found myself drawn to their music, and there it was on this strangely beautiful episode of Nip/Tuck.

Ever since, I've had the song stuck in my head. In the spirit of my last post, I'd like to share :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tFOxribt3kA.

That Was a Long One

2009-11-06T06:32:00.000-08:00

After reading that last post, I think it's time I go a little lighter on the words. How's this, "Why doesn't the Thai government send a message to Thaksin: Come Home and Serve Your Two Years, Then Fair Elections for All."

I'm just joshing. I think I know why that won't happen.

As some lighter fare, check out this video. I've seen it twenty or thirty times now, but it still makes me smile: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tre0WtMB-dE.

Is It Me?

2009-11-02T19:17:00.000-08:00

I took a little break there for a trip home. I had a couple weeks off from school, so I opted for a short jaunt to the States. It was nice there, and I was really surprised how friendly people were ("Hi how are you? Welcome back to America!" said Paul my happy Washington D.C. customs agent :-)). That was a welcome plus, leaving the 'land of smiles' for a place not always known for its friendliness.

It was actually a really nice trip! I was happy for the vacation, and it was great to see my family and friends. I really am lucky to have them in my life, and know that there are really great things about home and America!

I will take time to write about some things from home here in the coming week or so, but I really wanted to write about my trip back to Thailand. You know how I was saying how nice people were stateside; maybe it's me but I dont feel that again in Thailand. Is it me?

I really started to notice it in Japan. I had a layover in the Tokyo airport (which as an aside is home to a most fashionable and attractive crowd of travelers; I really enjoyed watching the styles and people that were parading through the terminal :-). I was hoping there'd be more robots though.... anyway), and that's where I first noticed it.

The Thai people waiting for the flight to Bangkok were loud. They spoke in the upper decibel range of everyday conversation, and they paid little attention to lines or local custom. I remember sitting there, and listening to a Thai party of 6 or 7 talk about the merits of the merchandise they purchased in Tokyo.

"This suitcase is beautiful; people will really like looking at it," one girl in her twenties yelped.

Another guy argued with her regarding the questionable nature of the color scheme.

Still others in the party were talking loudly and standing directly in front of the airline counter as people were attempting to speak with the gate agent.

I let my eyes wander from that scene and my head, as is often the case :-P, turned to food. I was a little tired and decided that a good bowl of soup would be calming before the 6 hour trip. In the airport, they have the moving, horizontal escalators (people movers) that ship people from gate to gate.

I went for a ride on this people mover standing to one side behind another group of Thai people.

They were also speaking loudly of fashion, and standing so as to block other people without a thought to travelers trying to make their flight.

One tallish Chinese man was attempting to part the sea of Thai, speaking softly and asking them to please move to one side.

It was kind of funny because the Chinese guy wasn't assertive enough, and the Thai continued on about the proper length of a scarf.

I was standing there smiling with my head down. I always hear how the Chinese are too loud and impolite.

I had to keep smiling as I ate my soup and watched as the stream of Thai faces grew to a sea of bright colors, gigantic scarves, and abnormally large sunglasses in the dark airport.

Time eventually came for take off, and the Thai people on the flight either refused or did not understand the announcement regarding a line (queue for the anglos :-)), and just kind of stood around as the most disorganized boarding process I have ever seen commenced.

I sat there with my lukewarm miso soup and watched with a wider smile as the Japanese tried to corral their multi-cultural steer into a semblance of organization.

Prospective passengers were moving in circles, some kind of veered off, and some just stood in place confused where they should be. Ticketing agents started calling out frantically, and some started off around the terminal, walking around randomly and around bathrooms with big signs that advertised "BANGKOK. LEAVING NOW. LAST CALL."

I had to laugh, wondering how the Japanese stayed patient for the daily comedy of this flight. I started to laugh harder as I sat there watching everyone. Large hair, explosive dresses, strange leg-ins, old jeans, and Elton John sunglasses. Part of the humor was based in empathy, thinking about a daily flight of passengers bound for Meung Thai (Thailand). Part of it might also have been riding in planes for twenty hours already, and feeling kind of special/strange/crazy :-). I also really liked their fashion, those scarves were just the right length ;-).

It was a good trip I must say even if I'm not a United Airlines fan. Those flight attendants need more hugs or something. I just tried to be nice to them; I can imagine how difficult it is keeping an airline toilet clean....

Anyway, we touched down in the 'Land of Smiles' :-P about seven hours later (it took awhile to get everyone on the plane), and were met by the buses that tend to pick people up these days. I'm not quite sure why the planes can't pull in to gates, but it seems like every flight I'm on usually concludes with a bus trip to the BKK terminal.

Basically, the plane lands and taxis to an area where passengers must climb down a flight of stairs to the tarmac. Then, all weary travelers must climb into a bus which brings everyone to the main terminal.

We ended up taxi-ing a little bit to the stop and by the time we got to our designated unloading area, all the Thai people (and the first class passengers) were rushing to the first bus waiting. I watched half asleep as everyone piled in there, leaving the rest of the foreign passengers on the plane to take the second bus.

Well we had some elderly people on this flight from my home country, and some of them aren't as spry as their Thai counterparts, who had already jumped onto the first bus. I think the Thai elderly are generally more athletic than American people my grandma's age. You really have to move sometimes to make it on Thai public transportation. Try riding the un-airconditioned green Mercedes buses from the 1970's sometime; they're a trip.

Yeah, so what you think happened, happened. A nice American 65-year-old grandma took a fall climbing into the bus. A bunch of us helped her up, steadying her as the doors closed, packing us altogether without a place to sit. We started lumbering in our limo packed to the brim, fellow Americanos, sticking together literally and figuratively (interestingly) for a pretty uncomfortable ten-minute ride to the terminal. Together, yes we can.

When we got there, everyone was helping the older people off, and I asked a Thai guy (in Thai) to give the grandma a 'wheelchair.' (I didn't know that word in Thai though) (Does anybody know what it is?)

Anyway, "What flight were you on?" he asked back in Thai.

Initially I didn't understand his question, and said back to him that she (pointing to the lady) needed a wheel chair.

Again, he asked me what flight she was on in English this time.

I still didn't understand his question, and just kind of looked at him quizzically.

"If she no call for wheelchair, no wheelchair." he instructed.

Ok, I said, and went over to a wall with a wheelchair and brought it to the lady. He stared at me with a particularly seething, angry look.

I looked back at him with a similarly disrespectful glance, and everyone made their way to immigration.

I walked with fire and anger in my heart to see that immigration officer.

Really, that kind of stuff gets me going. It's one thing to be oblivious, and another to be completely inconsiderate and uncaring. I just really get upset about that.

The immigration officer was, as always, equally disenfranchised with Thailand and his job, barely glancing at me as he stamped my passport incessantly, thinking about the plum job in downtown that passed him by.... He could have been thinking about his wife, or maybe how to make more money, maybe about that new Rot fai fa (Skytrain) movie. Regardless, he paid no attention, and seemed extremely unhappy. Are all of them paid to do that? Do they receive some special training?

So yeah, I've been back a couple days, and will start work pretty soon. I'm wondering though, am I becoming like other foreigners?

So many times I've read about people that have stayed here for some time and started to realize that they have a problem with the Thai.

Is that me? Am I a statistic? A believer? A bitter wannabe?

People say that Thailand is a friendly place. I am interested in this. Do the people that live here believe that? Do you believe it?

If it is this grand utopia of happiness, why do Thai people want to move abroad? Why do some prefer foreigners, and/or never take romantic interest in Thai people? What makes it difficult for them to get visas to western countries?

These are all questions I'd like foreigners and Thai to answer. The responses would make me happy.

Of course, I could be too sensitive. The kinds of things I'm talking about surely happen in America, England, China, Argentina, Zimbabwe, and Papua New Guinea. I think they do, at least. Maybe the real problem I have is the image (or illusion?) that the Thai attempt to create --- that somehow their world and their society smiles more, is happier...

I'm not quite sure that's accurate. Again, I can't speak for other people. I just know that I feel this way. Why is that?

I can tell you this: I am pretty sure that it's happier for some people more than others. Actually, that's a fact.... and a whole other blog post :-).

Ok so I realize this isn't a really very positive and uplifting post :-). I could work a little harder to see the good things, and focus less on the negative. I recognize that... but sometimes I guess I need an outlet, somewhere to put this stuff....

Are Thai people selfish or am I?

That's where the blog comes in I guess. I won't make it a habit to bog myself (or you) down with the things that aren't so positive. I think I need to stay even and objective though, and part of that is giving the negative along with the good things that happen here.

Yes, there is good here.

What do you think?

Power Bottom (On Power)

2009-10-13T21:49:00.001-07:00

I've seen some TV shows. I'm not really a fan, but every once in awhile I indulge. I was wandering through the bookstore in Central World (one of my favorite places in Bangkok), and I saw a magazine cover that reminded me of this show.

It's one where the chef runs the kitchen and a restaurant in some reality show Stateside. There's a bunch of em I know about, but this one in particular. It always strikes me.

So, there's this guy that heads a restaurant. He's always in charge, and no one is interested in questioning him. He decides the menu, the table settings, the hired help, and who gets to stay or go there.

In other words, the head chef chooses a protege or new talent from a pool of potential reality show contestants as he runs a restaurant. All of the newbies use the show as a launching point, hoping to become a disciple of this famous reality chef.

The kick is though, that he's kind of a not-so-nice guy. At his pleasure, he's prone to berating staff and fellow chefs in a pretty tough and nasty barrage of expletives. People spend their time trying to avoid his eye in the kitchen because everyone, they know, finds themselves open to his anger.

Luckily for the head chef, almost everyone at the restaurant in fact reveres him --- or is scared of him. It could be a combination of both. But all of them find themselves apologizing to him following his explosive, f-bomb laden lash outs.

That was really interesting to me... Was it him, was it them, was it that they were all on TV?

I read about the story a little more deeply, and read that many of them had received donations to charities or family members that were in need of help prior to or after the show. All of them in some way felt indebted to the guy I thought -- whether it be the contestants or his own employees -- maybe that's why they so readily accepted the tongue lashings from this reality show head cheese.

He got to berate and storm; yell and scream at people trying to cook their way into his famous restaurant. All of them accepted his tongue lashings and no one ever questioned his tactics to his face. Instead, they all apologized to him for causing him to lose his temper or face. Anything to get on a reality show, I guess.

People will do anything to ensure their survival, or what they think they need to survive.... That is a lesson I have to take to heart too I guess.

I also watched a documentary on the Kennedy family the other day. I'll spare you the details this time. I think you've probably heard about that a couple times, or you really don't care. I'll give you a break.

I'm busy too so... I gotta run... I'm working on cooking the perfect omellete :-P.

Without Effort

2009-10-05T20:59:00.000-07:00

In the time I took to come up from my depressive episode :-), I met someone. He is Thai-Chinese -- third generation -- but not from the wealthy elite of downtown Bangkok. If you read about Bangkok culture, I think you probably already know that people with money here are Thai-Chinese. They immigrated two-three-and four generations ago, settling and working their way into government and land ownership.

Anyway, maybe I can write more on this another time. I was working on writing about the new guy I met, before I went off on a different tangent.... Yeah, so he's Thai-Chinese, a little bit younger than me (26) , and his family comes from a city about an hour-and-a-half away. He speaks English really well, and he's kind.

I can tell you that, I guess.

He spent some time in a foreign land, practicing his English and working as a server in the banquet center of a big hotel. There he learned slang, jokes, and strange pronunciation. I tease him about it, and he gets defensive. I really think it's cute :-).

We met online. It started with just chatting, once or twice a week. We'd talk about a wide range of things, and I actually felt close to him before we ever met. He was casual and kind, thoughtful. We had similar interests, and he analyzed things a little more deeply than I'm used to. I was/am challenged :-).

That's cool, because I tend to really connect with people who are thoughtful --- it makes me want to be a better person.

So, back to meeting, the first time we actually saw each other in person, was at a large shopping mall downtown. The ones who live here probably know it.

We met and walked. Talked for a long time and had some Japanese food together. He was cute, kind, and liked to smile.

As we talked, I could tell he was sensitive, which kind of surprised me. I was just starting to feel better about my life and myself, and there was this guy who was sweet and thoughtful, if not a little wounded too. I think there's been people in his life that have hurt him.

He confessed to me that he had once been overweight. He wasn't now, but there was still this feeling I think of knowing what it was like to be different. I can appreciate that.

The subject of his family came up, and then we talked about growing up gay. Other kids teased him, but he said time passed, and he got over it, accepted who he was. I could see though that hurtful people still got to him. That was vulnerability that I thought was both cute and sweet.

I could, and can still, identify with him.

We only talked that night.... Well, I gotta admit.... We did eat ice cream. For those of you that have never been to Bangkok, Swensen's is cool :-).

It was like this really cool feeling getting to know someone more deeply. We went on more dates together. I got to be around someone that was kind and caring, and he's taught me about Thai culture and people. Things I didn't know or really understand before.

Then I got to teach him about my culture, if I have one really lol (yeah, I'm American), and I help him with his English. We usually almost always speak it, because he really likes it. Only some days does he speak with me in Thai.

Last weekend we were reading a magazine from here called, "I Get English." He said he likes to read it, but I think he liked the picture of Mario Maurer :-)... Anyway, they had a pretty humorous quiz in there that tests Thai understanding of my language. It was pretty cool to hear him trying to work out the meaning of 'taking someone for a ride.'

Ultimately he decided that it meant giving someone a lift on his or her motorcycle.

I laughed, he got upset for ten minutes. Then he smiled and we laid in my bed together finishing the quiz in our boxer shorts :-).

There's times where we have trouble crossing cultural divides. Handling disagreements or stressful situations can be pretty funny actually. Some days he's moody or I'm moody. Or worse, we both are feeling queenish at the same time. Lol, I'm not really queeny I think (he might disagree :-)), but I can get super frustrated :-). I do think we try our best to understand each other though....

We tend to meet on the weekends. He comes up from his hometown, and we go to the movies or eat. I think I need to be careful with the latter, I might have to worry about putting on Thai pounds :-).

The thing is, we tend to work out ok. Sometimes, I'm surprised by this temper, it can be fiery :-). I'm usually the one playing 'good cop' in conflicts :-P. For his part, he is surprised, I think, by what he calls my 'disorganization.' Clothes thrown everywhere, music and books strewn all over my room, my porn collection (just kidding guys, I still haven't bought anything from the guys on Silom :-)). He's always brushing off my clothes, fixing my hair, looking me over...

The other weekend we were sitting in my room, and he had some of my Thai cd's (Potato) I bought at the local 'bazaar' ( I can't think of a better word for it. It's like some outdoor fair with a ferris wheel, dusty rides, bright colored neon lights following the Thai flag, and people everywhere bargaining over strange niknaks :-P, including things like used shoes, wheelchairs, music, dirty jeans, spicy food, and dental supplies... lol).

He was translating the songs for me and I listened to him half singing, half speaking softly in English. He was quietly explaining meanings as I laid there listening thoughtfully to the moment.

The air was heavy from heat and humidity. The fan was set to full blast, rustling clothes, papers, posters. He was singing softly in my ear, moving random cds from my bed with his feet, stroking and parting my hair.

He told me that Thai music can be really beautiful. Then he laughed quietly, and told me to clean my room.

Somebody That I'm Not

2009-09-28T21:02:00.000-07:00

There's these periods ( :-) ) that I experience sometimes. I'm not quite sure where they come from, maybe I've got some kind of bi-polar thing going on.

I just experience these sporadic life troughs of depression...

It's like I'm in the wave pool at a water park.... The waves come and go as you bounce around in the water. Some are small and light just kind of rocking you along until the big ones come, eventually crashing down over you when you aren't aware of what's coming... or you get complacent doing the doggy paddle.

Again, maybe that's just me :-P.

It starts out with needing some kind of exciting event or thing to occur. I need a form of stimulation outside of the everyday humdrum --- wake up, eat, work, eat, talk, work, home, wash my clothes, sleep, and do it all over again.

I need some excitement, travel, dance, a hook up.

Then boom, whatever it is I'm looking for, I get it or don't get it. It doesn't really matter because once the stimulation is gone or I've had enough of whatever it is I'm searching out, then comes the great downer, and I'm like the character in a scary movie drowning scene, unable to bring myself up from the bottom, thrashing around, slowing down, close to giving up.

Alai Wah :)? I know it's hard to follow. I have trouble describing exactly what it is that happens. I'll try to explain by example.

About two months ago, I just started getting bored with work. I would go teach class, help the students, do my grading, accomplish my other administrative duties then go home. On the weekends, I'd go downtown, shop, eat, spend time walking and exploring.

Over time, it was slight at first, something came over me. In the beginning it was a momentary thought, then became this feeling that over time grew stronger: longing. I wanted to have more than what I had. There was something I saw that I liked, probably many things. I wanted more money, more time, a boyfriend, sex, more of everything. The feeling just started to take over.

The best way I can describe it: dissatisfaction then negativity.

I eventually decided to fill the void with stimulation. I watched more TV, started to spend more time online, tried to hook up with guys. I stopped reading and writing and let these things take up more of my time.

The trouble was that all of those didn't do it. I needed more, so I started looking for sexy pictures, movies, even a hook up.

I found myself getting more easily tired at the office. I took more naps, I spent more time chatting on Gayromeo, I hooked up for sex with a guy that I realized I didn't really like talking to. It wasn't fulfilling, again, and I just started to realize how my life and experience was changing. I got an acne breakout (I hate those) from stress, spicy food, and not taking care of myself.

It seemed like everywhere I went, Thai people were not friendly or downright rude. Maybe it was me, but I felt like there were nasty looks, unkind statements, even theft... I remember sitting in a taxi cab, asking the driver to take me home as I napped on the way. I woke up finding myself on my street with the taxi driver's hand in my pocket, fishing for my wallet... I couldn't believe it, and for some reason (well, I think I know why), I let it go, and even paid the guy for the trip (it costed B350, I paid 500, 'no have change' was the reply then followed with his last word 'tip').

I let it all go, went to my room, and closed myself off for a week, maybe two :-).

I shouldn't be surprised, I've had these times in my life at home also. It's like I have created this happy time for myself, and I slowly but surely allow my unconscious to create some kind of perceived void that has to be filled.

Once I realize how unhappy I am in trying to fill this perceived void -- basically I hit some kind of bottom -- I realize that my life is pretty awesome :-)! I have a family that loves me. I have friends that care, and a job, which all things considered, is really quite interesting, challenging, and fulfilling. The problem or void I have created is seeing something that I think I want, knowing what someone else has or wants, and thinking I need this as well.

That want, or need, or envy, or jealousy -- whatever I want to call it -- is never constructive. It always tears me down, never provides a build up. It's those kinds of thoughts that make me unhappy, search for some kind of outlet, create negative consequences, and then hit a deep depth of human depression.

It is only somewhere in that depression do I later realize the positives that are in my life. I don't know why my mind eventually finds them, but they always come. I'll then find myself on the road back to an everyday routine. I read, I write, I find positive things to concentrate on --- reading, writing, language, art.

I just have to figure out a way to stay with those positive things that build up my self esteem, my understanding, true beauty, compassion, and kindness. In the end, I know those are really what we have to have hold on to. Some day, we'll all be old, tired, gray, have more wrinkles (no matter how much moisturizer we use :-)), whatever.

We will have attributes and characteristics though that will endure, and I have to focus on those things that are positive, both for myself and for other people. No matter what is on the other side of this life, the things that are good for others and myself, those are the things that I will be judged on.

Sooner or later, I again realize all these things somewhere in my depression. There are really positive and negative aspects of my desires. I just need to stay with it and recognize both. I also need to be wise, and understand the difference, which can be difficult... Many times, I need my mistakes to discern the category.

I also need to learn from all of my experiences, the happy times and the depression. The problem is that I continually recognize the cycle after it has completed itself. It just takes a week or two to realize it.

The trick, I think, is to catch these choices and waves earlier, or better yet, stay away from the fall in the first place. I always need to be watching for the next wave. It'll be better for my mental health.

Am I the only one that does this by the way? Do you experience this stuff too?!?!???

Maybe it's me.

Anyhow, my mind cleared, so did my breakout :-). I feel better now, I choose my spots to make eye contact with Thais, and will try to refrain from sleeping in the taxi cab again :-P. Lol, I'll just stick to sleeping on the bus.

So that's the end of my internal monologue for today. I'll leave it up to you guys if you want to comment. I'd like to hear some, and hear about other peoples' experiences. If you want of course.

If not, I'll just take some valium here, read about plastic surgery, pyramid schemes, and watch some porn :-).

五星

2009-09-22T19:18:00.000-07:00

So like I was saying, I went on a trip to China with my school's faculty. We were supposedly on some form of goodwill/marketing tour designed to attract Chinese students. I'm not quite sure what a Chinese student would get from Thailand that he or she couldn't get in the motherland...

I suppose there are some things, but I don't think those options would be reasons for parents to send their kids to Bangkok :-).

The trip was designed for three Chinese teachers, two Thai, and two 'western' teachers. After a long discussion (probably a talk about who looks white and seems kind of 'English' or 'American' (that's what I heard)), I got the nod, and found myself on a flight to Guilin for a week long trip. I gotta say, it was pretty cool, even if I was used for my 'western-ness'.

My first day there, I saw the natural beauty of the city, and the sheer size of the places in China. We didn't spend much time sight seeing, as we had to travel often from school to school, city to city. Every spot we visited it seemed, places were just packed. Everyone was everywhere, and I was blown away by the population --- its size, its beauty, its diversity.

People were yelling, selling, trying to get me to buy wild chickens in the countryside. I was blown away by the sights really, I couldn't keep track of all the strange things I encountered.

Instead I just kind of tried to jot down some impressions I got while riding on our bus to and from schools and meetings. I looked at them again this morning, here's what I have:

1) China has deeply beautiful, green, moving forests.
2) People here aren't just the guys I see in tight speedos and gym clothes at the Olympics.
3) There are African people that speak Chinese really well.
4) What happens if the Chinese start to live like the Thai? What happens if all of them get a car?
5) Chinese guys are really beautiful.
6) Everyone is nervous that China will become some kind of advanced super power.... They need to fix the roads and get some garbage cans first.
7) I saw someone eat an entire snake.
8) I haven't noticed many street dogs... I wonder why?
9) No one waits in line here either! I'm just going to shark the next person that cuts the line in the 7/11. Not that different than home :)
10) How do Chinese gay guys hook up?

So there was no real time to check out much of the gay scene in the city. It was good, because I wasn't in a good place at the time. More on this at a later date :-).

I did watch the people there though a lot. Not the kind of overt sexuality there that you find in Thailand or Vietnam. It was interesting to watch the people stare and interact with us.

The thoughts and norms there are really quite different than Thailand actually.

People have strong feelings on gays and the 'lifestyle', a Chinese friend told me that most people can't accept the thought that people are different. Things are different in Shanghai and Beijing from what I hear, but still I've read/heard that a gay life in China is quite difficult. People and judgments are firmly rooted in government edicts from the beginnings of the People's Republic (the anniversary is coming by the way, anyone wanna have a party?) and years of maintaining that 'gay' feelings were a 'mental disease'.

From what I hear, people here are changing fast. I have no starting point with which to judge. I can only say that I asked a person in some random town if there was a fast-food restaurant somewhere around the area. He politely told me that they didn't have anything there yet, but they were hoping to get a KFC in the closest city. I laughed and asked if he had tried their food. 'No,' he said with a big smile, but 'my son and the television commercials say it's delicious.'

We both laughed, and I wondered how much more I could learn about China if I lived in Central China.

It really was beautiful, but I'm not sure I could live in a city that didn't have public garbage cans.

September Mourn :-)

2009-09-17T19:20:00.000-07:00

Hey all, just to let you know that I'm still out there. It took me some time to write again. Sorry for the lag time, but I think I got caught up in a lot of stuff --- a school trip to China, a week (or weak, depending on how you look at it :P) period of self loathing, meeting someone I like, and a general cultural meltdown that I think is starting to wear off. I'm also back to reading again which I really needed. A good biography keeps me grounded...

On top of all that, I celebrated my year anniversary in Bangkok yesterday, and the feelings have been really strong.

In the next week or two, I want to write about all of the above, try to work out some things in my mind that I've been ruminating on, but failed to put down on paper (electronic paper I guess).

I just wanted to write a few things before I have to go teach class this morning. First, I love Bangkok the city!

I love the cultures I can find by riding the 7 bus. I enjoy a good meal with my friends. I'm fascinated by the differences in Asian and Western thought. The ways of thinking here are always surprsing me :-), especially the Thai and Chinese confluence of culture, duty, thrift, materialism, education, mai ben rai, folk lore, atheism, buddhism, and class/caste.

I also love dark places in the city. The strange karaoke and pageantry bars you find in the outskirts. The dimly lit, un-airconditioned buses that run to far places here that most foreigners (including many Thai) are afraid to ride. I like to sit in the dimly lit Chinese restaurants where Mandarin, Chinese characters, and oily food are exchanged by Burmese, Thai, and Chinese people.

I really love to get a haircut in Bangkok. The people do the head massage, they primp, they preen, they finally cut, then they massage and wash again. The process is really calming. I can't really compare it to any other experience with a haircut that I had at home, I guess I was never really big on expensive haircuts though.... Anyway, all of it for around $5.00 in my neighborhood.

I'm intimidated by the Thai too by the way. There's still times where I feel they don't care for foreigners or maybe me. I sometimes feel that I'm completely adrift in a sea of dark haired aliens (to me) who care only about my relative worth to them, rather than my worth (intrinsic) as a human being. There's times where I understand little of what they're saying. All of that scares me.

I miss my friends at home too. They still wonder why I left them.

There are days here that I know why though. I meet someone who is kind to me for the briefest moment. Somebody offers me their umbrella to walk through the rain. A local Thai tells me that I speak Thai well (even though I know that they take extreme liberty with the truth). Sometimes, a student actually learns something and my heart is warmed.

I have my days, but there's a lot here I have to be thankful for. I just thought someone should know.

The Statue

2009-08-12T08:52:00.001-07:00

I walked by another likeness of the Buddha today. His color was a little green, verging on a sea or lime version of himself.

What colors do most people see when they think of him? I'm not sure.

I used to look at alot of pictures of the Christian savior in my home country. His artists generally tended to favor the white when depicting his various historical poses.

I remember there always being some kind of academic argument about that choice.

I don't know about you, but I wonder what color the Thai people think the Buddha was. Personally, I think they have a specific desire for his skin... But, I doubt it fits the actual picture....

It doesn't matter. There's always a way to paint over or change what you don't like here. Just spruce it up with some soft whitening scrub, powder, or the newest laser. I know it's possible. I see the effects every day, and people are willing to pay the price --- if they have the money.

After all, doesn't that look change everything! Isn't that the true indicator of a person's worthiness, their level of kindness, their desirability.

Lol, over the top I know, I think you get the point...

I know this... It at least greatens your chances to get on TV here.

You know what, pass me some of that face powder.

Like Syrup Sliding

2009-08-06T20:19:00.000-07:00

Have you ever waited tables? I was thinking about that this morning as I was balancing a tray with Khao Phad Gai (fried chicken with Rice) and my Cha Mannow (Lemon Tea), which are both quite delicious btw at my favorite morning breakfast establishment.

So, the morning was gray and muggy again. The sky seems to have a permanent gray film affixed to its roof lately. It reminds me of the old dusty places you find in your room, ok maybe not yours, but I sometimes get some serious dust bunnies :-P. They're the gray fuzzy ones that create the translucent film on your ceiling or floor, again that may just be me, and like most other gay guys, they make me extremely uncomfortable. But unlike many people, I have a serious lazy streak that can allow the dust to continue -- sometimes for a week or two --eventually caking a room corner until I engage in serious house cleaning.

Ok, so back to the waiting tables, I used to do it.

You know when you carry a tray full of drinks that it can be easy to spill them. If you don't concentrate, they can splash and churn, fall and break, causing one to lose a couple dollars (or pounds) in salary ;-). That really hurts the bottom line for a student or full-timer looking to scrape by that month :-).

I remember that if you walk with the tray too carefully though, and stare at the drinks while you're carrying it, they also tend to wobble and splash, causing unhappy customers and sticky clothes/hands. Nobody likes that.

The trick to carrying the drinks, from what I rememberd, was to be mindful. Walk at a brisk pace, knowing full well that you were carrying the drinks, but concentrating not on the drinks themselves but the balance of your body and hand. The mindful balance keeps you from unclean work clothes and keeps the pockets a little more secure on salary day.

I had to remember that as I balanced my cha mannow this morning. I walked briskly, mindfully, but concentrating on balance.

I was walking pretty quick of course, and as my thoughts centered on my own balance, a student made a quick corner turn, getting a shirt and face full of Khao Phad and Cha Mannow.

I might need to work on being aware of my surroundings also.

A Look Back

2009-08-04T20:06:00.000-07:00

I don't generally like to dwell on the past. It's gone now, and there's little you or I can do about it. I'll let Stephen Hawking or that gay time travel show work on that. I'm more focused on the now now :-), but sometimes I think about my life at home.

Yesterday, a kid at my school guessed my old job in my home country, almost out of nowhere. It was kind of strange for me, because I never considered myself as defined by my previous profession or still maintaining overt clues as to it. I'd like to think I'm more than that :-), maybe wishful thinking though. The kid could just kind of guess what I was.

In my home country, I had a very particular job. It could be considered a bit different than my teaching work, and the education required was pretty intensive. I think I have a permanent headache.

It always keeps the old wheels turnin though, and now it follows me everywhere I go. I wander the streets, and read the signs, maybe the people too. I'm always taking things somewhere else.

I think in the abstract (Read my blog :-)). Look for people in their vulnerable moments. Think about their motivation, and judge by their language (body and verbal) what they intend, intended, and what they desire.

Are you starting to wonder what I'm doing here? Me too.

Leaving my home for this place was not spur of the moment. Perhaps leaving my job though was.

I'll think about that this afternoon when I walk down by way of Yaowarat. The sights and smells there will give me something to work with. Grimey streets, loud voices, boiling seafood, sugary-sweet nuts churning in the vats, metal works, dried-fruit preservatives, and stagnant-warm, wet air ---those oughta move me.

I wonder what you think I do.

Farang Mai Mi Tang Lhoy

2009-07-30T01:58:00.000-07:00

So yeah, here's a couple random social browsing encounters I had the past two weeks.

The first one occurred during my water day at Babylon. There I was diving into the sauna's pool, splashing around, doing the doggie paddle around the deep end -- with random farang in REALLY tight speedos staring at me with questioning and comical looks -- when out walked one of the owners of the Balcony/Telephone Bar (rather not say which).

You know the places if you live here (they're across from each other), but if you don't, they're famous gay hangouts where people have a couple beers (or pink martinis, whatever your persuasion) prior to a night in the foreign gay club, DJ Station. The places are set up so you can watch the parade of gay moving up and down the small alley street as everyone chats it up, gets tipsy, and makes eyes at passing gays.

Anyway, I wrote about this guy before. He knows friends of mine that live downtown, but never talks to me if I'm alone --- only if one of my older, more well-off (?) friends is with me. No surprise I guess, but he treated me exactly the same that day.

I saw him while I was doing the doggie paddle, and attempted a full stop while throwing a wave at him from across the pool, kind of falling under water without the extra hand for swimming.
Well, my speedo-clad audience's gaze moved from me to him, and his reaction: yep, complete avoidance. He made it seem like he completely didn't even see me, and almost as soon as I came up from my unavoidable dunking, he was gone.

Of course, I kept on swimming, and eventually my audience went back to my best backstroke/breast stroke/ Michael Phelps impression.

I was thinking though, what is it exactly that makes this guy less-than friendly? Is it me? Is it that he thinks I don't give him enough business? Is it that he thinks I don't have enough money to be comercially or socially useful to him????

Was it my swimming form?

Well, I know this, I'm not going to hangout at those bars anymore. There's definitely going to be some ownership issues btw, you can't have many owners and not enough visitors to keep everyone happy, chai mai?

Anyway, the problem is that I'm not sure that any of the other alternatives are any nicer. Does anyone know a place they enjoy with a farang owner that will return a wave or a hello :-)???

Ok second thing, after Babylon, my 'friend' and I went to dinner at Richard's. I don't really want to talk about the place so much as what I found. They have this magazine here in Thailand, called Spice, and it is supposedly found in local gay establishments that cater to foreigners on vacation or living here. In it, the publisher (A gentleman I believe is a farang living in Bangkok) provides some really interesting 'tips' for your time in Thailand. I suggest you pick up a copy.

I'll touch on the two things that really got me interested, even if alot of it begs comment :-P.

The first was the publisher's tips when advising foreigners on dealing with people 'begging' for money. He urges you to refrain from giving to the mother and her child or the blind people of the city who are working your local corner. The scams, he says, are everwhere, as he hears stories of people renting their babies, etc.

Ok, I can see the scams are everywhere (somebody asked me the other day if I wanted to 'gamble' with some filipinos and I could win by cheating). But really? Shouldn't we just be happy if someone wants to come to Thailand right now and spend their money, no matter what it might be on? (save for illegal activities of course)

How about this... I don't think you should spend your money on beer here, people say it's causing drinking and driving accidents. Oh, and those go-go boys, I hear they steal, don't spend your money on them either.... Just stay home, I hear crime and scams and stuff are everywhere really :-).

How does someone buy blindness btw? You can trust me on this one, those people singing on the street corners... They're definitely without the ability to see ---- but, they are really good singers.

The other thing that really interested me was a page length summary of rules for 'bar boys' or boys working the go-go clubs. One of the rules advised boys in a playful way to inspect their foreign customer's clothes very carefully. If he is wearing a tie, the rule states, make sure the tie is not a 20 Baht Pratunam (a cheap clothing market) Special. If the tie is in fact one from Pratunam, then the rule states that he is likely an English teacher and therefore unable to truly afford to 'take care' of a bar boy.

Should I rethink my career, or at least buy like a Mercedes --- maybe I should buy a Mercedes.

Spicy?

2009-07-25T22:20:00.000-07:00

I figure I'd have to add some other gay Thai stories while I have the chance. Everything here can't be about the serious... Thailand is the land of smile, chai mai :-)? So, I have to try to move everything in and out; I definitely don't want to forget the stories down the road. This is kind of my Thai diary :).

So, this is a random spicy (maybe too spicy :)?) story about a return to Babylon. I know I've written about the place in the past, and I think all of my Thai/Bangkok gays know it. If a Thai is looking for a foreigner in the hook-up sense, this (and Gayromeo/Fridae :) is the place to go.

I went there again because I was supposed to join a friend, a guy that doesnt like to go alone :). He wanted to hit the sauna, and I like to swim in the pool (the sauna being a little harsh on my skin :). So we got there, and he kind of wandered off, while I took a dip in the cool water. It was really nice; the pool combined with the cool and cloudy weather (June/July is somehow mild here )... It made me feel so relaxed.

As I swam, everyone (almost all fellow foreigners) sitting around the pool was kind of glancing/staring at me as I splashed around. I was diving, playing, doing the backstroke, just kind of happy not really caring if I made a scene. Some of the foreigners I think were interested in the strange farang guy splashing around with abandon in a seriously charged, sexual environment.

But I just kept humming the tune from that Korean girl group, not the Wondergirls, but the other one. Doo doo doo do doo duh duh.... Dooo dooo doo duh duh duh da dooo. Oblivious to all the farang guys hanging around in their speedos :P --- just kind of fooling around.... That song rocks btw :-).

So anyway, my friend came out of the sauna area in his underwear. Did I mention he's a 29-year old Thai guy that I met from Gayromeo? Yeah, well, he wrote me saying he didn't want to go to Babylon alone. So, I splashed around for awhile until he came out of the sauna in his tight little briefs :). He's about 165 centimeters with a really slim body, and when he came out of the hot sauna he was covered in sweat. I thought of him first as a cute friend, but I was kind of turned on at that point. That Korean song sped up a little bit ;-)...

I should've figured it wasn't just about friendship, maybe for both of us?

We went to the shower and used separate faucets. I stood a little further away, and took off my underwear, starting the water. I was washing naked for a little bit, when I felt hands touching me from behind. I turned and he was up close, kind of breathing on my ear as he washed my back and behind. His hands moved slowly up to my neck just kind holding me, turning my head, as I felt him breathing and blowing lightly in my ear.

He asked in Thai to go to a room with me, and it was at that point that the friends thing kind of fell out the window. We went in the room, took turns giving each other massages, touching backs, shoulders, arms, muscles, bodies... Eventually our towels were off and it was my body against his. Heat moving between us as we kneaded each other's muscles and back.

After a while, we were touching fully. Me laying up next to him, touching his chest from behind, both of us breathing heavily. He started whispering in Thai, moving his head back, breathing even harder, his chest feeling hot to my touch. He turned toward me then, and our bodies were touching, everything was touching.

I felt his hands on me, and my muscles went tense as we instintively (I think) moved closer together.

When we were completely pressed as one, we kissed quickly, and almost immediately both of us were wrestling for position as the kiss got strong. The room got hotter then, and I felt him move on top of me, putting the condom on me as he moved against my kiss. We both moved, shuttered, his body tensed, and we were in line. Both of us making noise as it happened....

I could tell you more, but I'm already starting to blush :-). I know that it was good, and I might be opening the door to more... but i'll leave it at that.

I was thinking though that maybe I can become a hardcore top? Is that possible? Can I go from one side to the other, and still live in Thailand? The age old quetion: can you be two things at once here?

Some might not agree, but I'm beginning to think so.

Land of Stares

2009-07-23T00:41:00.000-07:00

I like to read :P and my recent interest has been Thai history, current political climate, and foreigner views on the country. I won't bore you with the history stuff I've been reading. I thought though maybe sticking with current Thai life might be more everyone's speed. I know I'm interested in Thai life too.

I've been reading alot from the gayboybangkok blog. He's spent some time recently delving in to the current climate for farang (foreigners) living in Thailand. The pictures aren't so rosy, and from his perspective things don't look so good... I hate to admit it really, but I agree with him.

The swine flu (in Thai it's translated to the flu of 2009) is here in full effect, and Thai people believe in part that it's a 'western' disease (sound familiar?). Government estimates have the infected number at around 2,000 people, but there are people that believe the number might be close to 50,000 (the Prime Minister doesn't want to alarm people). The point is, this is Thailand and no one really knows, but everyone is scared.

Do they think it's a farang disease? I don't know, but I've noticed something in Thai people recently. There's less play, and more seriousness. I thought it might be me, but my friends have said it too. We went out to dinner at a Thai market last night. I can't count how many REALLY uncomfortabe stares we got. No smiles, and mostly quizzical looks regarding our presence. It's not exactly the face the Thai tourism authority wants to portray, but I see it.

I go places and see people. I ride in cars, watch people as they stare during brief stops at traffic lights. In the beginning I felt that there was more play there, smiling as they stared. Maybe it's because I'm almost a year older, but alot of the smiles are gone.

They're replaced with disconcerting stares, and random stops at police checkpoints in Bangkok. The other day I was riding home in a car with my farang friend. It was early evening and the police stopped us on a side road, trying to talk with my friend. When the police officer kept seeing my friend look at me, he came to my side of the car and told me that my friend needed to go to the police station. He said there was something wrong with the car, at least from what I understood. I had already read about these checkpoints, and knew this was probably a call for money.

I showed the officer my empty wallet, and told him that neither my friend or I spoke Thai. I asked if he could help us with getting home. "Sure," he said "1000 Baht." He started talking angrily, and I told him that we were close to my house and that I felt really sick. Not about to lose face, he took a picture of me and my friend with his camera. I'm not sure what that was all about, but if I end up in some kind of international prison documentary, I'll tell the story again :-).

Combine all of this with political tensions continuing, and there's a general sense of uneasiness here. Below the surface (which is the case with most Thai), there is still resentment between political parties and economic classes. Maybe even more resentment for foreigners too; all parties have voiced concerns... I'm pretty sure it's there though, students and Thai acquaintances still bring up their shirt color affiliation...

The airport now is also infamous with some kind of extortion scheme targeting Duty Free buyers. Rather than dealing with this, the Thai government has warned of a crackdown starting next week (take note all illegal workers at the airport :-P) on illegal taxis and tourguides working the airport scene. That oughta take care of the problems.

I gotta admit, Thailand isn't looking too attractive for farang. If something happens, a dramatic social event (I'll let you guess) maybe, I have to wonder where things are going. I wonder what might happen.

These are just thoughts, but the wheels have been turning lately. I wonder if gays are safe?

A Date

2009-07-22T00:44:00.000-07:00

Awhile ago, I made a date with a recent chat partner. He seemed like an alright guy, and I thought he was cute... Innocent maybe :-).

He liked to chat, was about my age (a year older: 30), and told me he had never had a boyfriend. That sounded nice to me. I kind of liked the idea of someone who hadn't been in a relationship before, even if he was 30 :). I'm still trying to figure that one out....

We ended up meeting at my house's nearest BTS Station, which is about 25 minutes away. Immediately, the first moment we saw each other, the guy didn't seem excited. He complained about the distance, the air, the sights in my area of downtown. The guy was from Bangkok so I'm not so sure why he had a problem with the sights and sounds of his own city...

So, I thought he was cute, but not the most personable guy. The conversation and the air of our taxi cab was thick with discomfort. Me trying to figure out what to say. Him furiously typing into his cell as we rode to our dinner date.

I asked him about his hobbies, what he likes to do. The first answer I got was one word (at least polysyllabic thought :): badminton. Badminton is the best sport, so he says, and I heard all about its virtues during our twenty minute taxi ride. Intermittent pauses in his conversations usually brought out a complaint about the distance and cost of the cab ride to our restaurant.

Anyway, from what I heard badminton is awesome and he plays every Saturday. "Cool," I remember saying, "I hear that is a really gay sport."

"What?!?!" he asked loudly.

"I meant that I heard that alot of gay people get together to play Badminton on Saturday. Do you?"

"That is the rudest thing I ever heard!" I almost heard him cry, and tried to apologize if I hurt his feelings.

The guy had none of it though. He wanted out of the taxi, and continued to insist that Badminton is a sport, and has nothing to do with gays.

I still had no idea that this would be such a hot-button topic. I just let him be, and he directed the taxi to our restaurant.

Once inside, we ate one of the most awkward and silence-filled meals I have ever had the privilege to partake in. The silence was so strong that I felt light-headed just sitting there in a restaurant full of people, staring at every move...

When we were finished eating, he asked if I wanted to get some ice cream. I politely declined, and told him about my job the next day.

I paid for dinner, and while waiting for the check I asked why he never had a boyfriend.

A Little Behind

2009-07-11T18:43:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I have this boyfriend, his bum is so cute and tight :P. Lol, actually my title is going more along the lines of my postings. I have a couple of things I want to write about, but I'm running a little slow in the writing and posting department.

Post haste then, I want to touch on Uttaradit for a little bit. The best thing I can say about the city was that I was really happy when I got to leave :))). Lol, usually, I can find a silver lining in a place or a thing, but my trip to Uttaradit (in the South part of Northern Thailand ;) was really... disheartening...

I went there for just a day, and stayed in a guest house near the center of the city. During Thaksin's regime, it was supposed to become a hub of commerce and government assistance. But after his ouster, the city lost its importance and now receives little interest from the government... or tourists.

I really don't want to be negative, but I can kind of see why...

It's dark there. The buildings are damaged from time and pollution, not that different than other places, but the city feels more gritty, more tough. It's evident in the people there too. No one, ok save for one elderly fruit seller, greeted me with a smile. People were just riding around aimlessly on their scooters, eating food from outdoor foodstalls. Listless legs sat tucked in chairs, and people just kind of seemed incredulous if I talked, played, or bargained with them.

Maybe it was me though...

Anyway, there are a couple tourist destinations (A dam (lol) and a forest) in the Uttaradit province. I just couldn't go to them because there was no transportation. People don't often travel there I guess.

In the city they do have a market, where I bought a pair of socks for 40 Baht (a little more than $1). I tried to bargain a little, but they had none of it... They also have a monument area dedicated to a warrior for King Taksin. That the people prize this as the monument, it probably says something about the city and its residents.

The monument has a surrounding museum that explains the city's past. I went to this museum, which turned out to be two converted houses with three guides (high school girls in their uniforms :) waiting for someone, anyone, to look at the museum's contents.

They seemed pretty nice, but without any ability to speak English :0). It was an interesting conversation, but from what I understood, the city is known for its special swords. That's right, they have special metal (rare iron) I guess, and swords are/were their specialty. I wondered how business was going...

Supposedly their last big project was the world's largest sword. The Thai government decided to commission a local artisan for a full rendering from the precious iron resources in the province. I read a little bit about it in English. There's some kind of supernatural quality for the sword, and it was built for the Queen of Thailand's 60th Birthday.

The English explanation talked about the grandeur of the sword, the time and effort put into it. I read all inscritpions, asked my guides, trying to figure out the cost of the sword. I looked at the Thai version and saw the Thai numerical script, it was over one-million baht. I wondered why the Thai version could provide the cost for such a large sword, and western people were not informed as to its cost.

What is it about the sword that's so secret? I have a couple of guesses, but I can't say for sure.

I know when I left the city, the bus station was kind of run-down. The signs telling tourists about the city and the province were caked in dirt. As we rode the bus from town, we passed a bunch of wooden and cardboard shacks, people washing their clothes in buckets, hanging things out to dry on what looked like tied-together shoelaces. The air was thick with dust.

We passed the museum and the monument on the way out. I could kind of see inside. It looked like three girls were waiting --- hopefully a couple people went by to see it.

The Long Holiday

2009-07-07T21:23:00.000-07:00

I had a break from work for the Thai holiday. Initially, there were plans to make a short flight to the North of Thailand, but last-minute things came up. I'll go there during my next break :). There was still time though for a short trip, and I ended up in Sukothai (the ancient battleground city of Thailand) and Uttaradit.

The countryside of Sukothai was really gorgeous. The air smelled of wet flowers and natural earth. I wanted to see as much as I could, so when I arrived, I rented a cute little bike (Insert bike bell here:) for the afternoon. I rode around the ancient ruins, the rain lightly touching my face the whole day. It was so beautiful, and I loved the light London fog :-).

As I rode, clouds would pass and part, giving glimpses to these small green mountains in the distance, small reminders that I was a good ways from Bangkok. It was like I was in a different world.

On the side of one road, down a beaten trail, there's the largest Buddha shrine in Sukothai. You wouldn't know it's there without a Thai person to tell you. There's no park designation, no real landmark of any kind.

You ride up on your bike, and the attendant sleeps while you leave 20 Baht in the "Entrance Fee" jar. The temple and ruin itself has an attending sign that explains the 'renovations' undertaken to ensure the shrine's upkeep. I read, most interested that the people had refurbished the brick work already, that the future held two more restoration projects.

I walked up to the shrine. It was dark, blotched with reds from the brick, blacks and browns from time, greens from the growing algae. I moved slowly around the temple's outside, touching the brick, feeling the history, inspecting the pocks and chips created over the years. I thought of the people laying this work, what their lives were like. I still really have no idea...

The shrines themselves date back to around 700 A.D., but the work and restoration had finished ten or twenty years before. Fully redoing the bricks, keeping the history of the country alive for all the people that visit the area and the shrine. That was what the sign told me anyway.

I found myself at the outside wall, staring at the colors. As so often occurs, my eyes wandered to other sights, the inside columns; they looked bent and wobbly... To the left of the ruins, there were some stairs open to enter the old site. I walked up one flight and in I was, glancing at the columns tilting sideways. They were old and dark, bleeding colors and succumbing to algae fingers creeping up the sides

I read somewhere that the governor there initially wanted to do something about the place. He had plans, but other political forces pushed those away. He might have had other projects or more pressing needs. Other forces with money might have had other ideas as well; some projects and institutions must always get monetary support.

I was wondering what people who actually visit the shrine feel. Maybe they want to do something. Perhaps they don't really care, and even if they did, they probably don't know where to start fixing it. History also may not be too important these days.?.? Admittedly, I still don't really understand the Thai culture.

From the inside, I looked up and through to the center of the shrine. I saw the face of the Buddha, smiling, slim, green. At first I thought his eyes looked strange.

I walked up closer to see more, and realized that his eyes were closed, or maybe averted to a small flower patch, an area where the Buddha didn't have to look at the state of the shrine.

Education

2009-07-03T02:16:00.000-07:00

Today, I was thinking about education. Many of my kids are wild teenagers, and not really excited about school... Some students of mine though have really high dreams. They want to attend Harvard, Yale, Cambridge, Oxford... All of that is great for me, and I admire any Thai person that sets a high bar to vault. That kind of attitude isn't really encouraged here. This is Thailand :).

I tell the students that having goals is awesome. Each student deserves the best, and those that put forth effort will be rewarded.... That reward, though, might not be what they initially expected.

Better said, it might not be what their parents initially wanted for them.

Yeah, so these kids, they aim for the stars. They go all day, study, work, and then study some more before sleeping. Their dream is to please themselves by pleasing their parents, showing that they are excellent students, destined for the 'big paying' jobs.

I understand this attitude, I do. Many of my friends had it growing up, and I had many kids in the class that wanted to attend Harvard or Yale. It just makes me a little nervous though....

I can remember feeling heartbroken when my friends didn't make it. It was such a let down for everyone when the big dreams didn't materialize....

This is never mentioned to my students now, but I do though try to tell them about friends that attended ivy league (or similar :) universities and friends that didn't. A couple days ago, I showed them pictures of friends from my home town. Some of the kids attended ivy league-caliber schools, some went to regular uni, and some never finished high school.

All of them had one thing in common. They were living paycheck-to-paycheck because everyone had debt or families or both. I told the kids about the high costs, the levels of competition, and the realities of working.

I showed them a story about parents spending $40,000.00 for a tutor that specializes in sending kids to Ivy league schools in the U.S. I told them about the hours and preparation necessary to successfully navigate high school and the entrance exams. Then I told them about a possible 4 million Baht debt waiting for them upon graduation.

We also talked about the economy (not so hot :-) is a nice way to put it), and the future.

Granted, for some of these kids, money is not problem. But, I have to wonder if all of it is really worth it. Falling victim to the attitude and perception of current culture may not bring them money or more importantly: happiness --- personal or otherwise.

Kids I think now see a different picture, and I hope that's an accurate one. I don't want them to stop improving, but I want them to have a perspective from someone living in/from a western country. The best kids, the ones that really try, they need encouragement and attention. I want to give them that, but I also think it's my job to tell them what life can be like.

I understand the dreams. I just think those dreams need to be rooted in reality. Whatever that might be :-).

Ultimately, I just want to be a good teacher, and I think to do that, I need to tell them something more than the proper placement of modifier.

It's Nothing Personal

2009-07-02T01:49:00.000-07:00

I like everyone, errr, most everyone :-). That's my usual feeling when I meet new people. It doesn't matter what you like, how old you are, or what's your current bank account balance.

I like you. Everyone has something to teach me, everyone has a story, and everyone is important :). People might think that's cheesy or said for sympathy, but for me it's true.

I like everyone, and all readers of my writing are included :P.

The thing is though, I don't rely on public opinion or perception when examining an issue. You may feel strongly one way or the other. You might want to hear a particular story. Maybe you like a particular spin on your news, or you want a story told a particular way... You might want someone to write the ending you're looking for... That's not me though, and I don't really care...

I like you, but that doesn't mean I have to agree with you.

So sometimes I read about opinions... People want me to write about something. Someone feels that I skirted an issue, or feels I should touch on something. Maybe someone disagrees with the way I dealt with a person or a delicate situation.

I'll entertain any feeling a friend or colleague wishes to share. Sometimes, I'll agree and alter my opinion or position on an issue or event. I won't do so though just because you're you and I'm me... Know what I mean?

Someone might want a true discussion. Someone might want details about my personal life. Others don't really care either way.

Really like I said, I like you all, but I don't make my decisions based on Billboard Pop Culture. One day you might like it. The next day you don't care.

I like you, but it doesn't mean that I need to change based on my current feelings. If you want something, like something, don't like something. I'll read and I'll be interested. I love to discuss things, but I might not agree with you.

No matter what people think, it's not serious, and it's not personal.

Ham and Cheese Deliciousness

2009-06-30T05:26:00.001-07:00

I've said in the past that I love to read the blogs. I love the mystery, the perspectives, and the experiences. It's easy to identify with the foreigners who are writing here in Bangkok, and I enjoy their stories very much. Many times, I look for parallels with my own experiences in the City of Angels. Strangely, and I don't know about most people, but I've seen most bloggers have a story about a 7-11.

Usually, it's a story about a cashier there, a look, a word, a smile. That's something I can definitely identify with. In Bangkok, the 7's are ubiquitous, and almost all of us that live here,\ go to one every day. We have a neighborhood 7 about ten minutes from the apartment.

First off, I've eaten almost all of their food, and it is delicious, albeit of suspicious nutritional quality. Not necessarily good for those watching weight I know, but that ham and cheese sandwich is delicious. I love a good sandwich snack there.

When I usually go in for my daily fix, I exchange looks with a guy that works behind the counter. I can remember when I first came here, I would go to the store, and he would slowly ring up my purchases, keeping his head bowed, making furtive eye contact, smiling if our eyes actually met.

He's about my height (I'm not tall :), with dark black hair. His eyes are dark and he is the color of warm acorns. He's got a really cute body, not muscular just regular with maybe a little bit of a belly. In a constantly shy and quiet mood, he's got the brightest Thai smile you'd ever see on a guy! I can remember just wondering why he would act so submissively and shyly with me.

I never considered myself particularly interesting. He though always seemed to look. First I thought I might be imagining things. Then though I figured it was a bad hair time, a breakout, maybe a place I forgot to shave. The looks though continued every time I went there, and even if I was just in jeans and a t-shirt the glances were always there.

I tried to talk to him one day in Thai, but he just smiled really big and called for his friend to talk with me. I wondered why. It wasn't because he didn't speak English, many people in my neighborhood can't. It was some other reason, culturally I didn't understand, not sure if I do now.

His friends told me in Thai that he thought I was really 'lovely' and kind. I responded with a thank you, and communicated (I think) that I felt the same. I asked them if he would like to talk with me. I gave my phone number to them, but he never called. The smiles continued though every time I went; the kindness in his eyes never left.

He always looked at me like that, even if I saw him 10 days in a row and this was my 11th stop-in. There was still this shy Thai smile; his friends always letting out cheers as our eyes met and he rang up my purchases. Everyone laughed.

Yesterday though, I went there to buy an orange juice and salapao moo dang (xiao lang bao= a delicious dumpling with barbecue)(I know, not so healthy either :), and my friend wasn't there. I asked about him, and his friend said he went back to his hometown in the North. He might not come back again.

He Flew Away

2009-06-29T02:00:00.000-07:00

Thank you guys all for your comments about the previous post, I appreciate each of you very much.

There was this kid I knew. His parents had this huge house in the suburbs of my hometown. It was red brick, the color of American Indian pottery with baked blue tiles melted into walkways. I can remember walking up the driveway to his house, inspired by its colors (super:)!) and intimidated by its size. It was something out of an old western movie.

My friend was an average kid, not an amazing student or athlete, but a really nice guy. In the summers, we would hang out at his house and shoot hoops. I can still remember the smell of fresh cut grass in the air as we'd fight out a sweaty game of basketball (21 or 2 on 2) with the neighbors. It was a great time, and I can just remember how happy my summers were there.

As we got older, maybe 10 or 11, I remember him talking about some special room in his house. The place really was cavernous, so there could have been secret rooms that my friend's parents didn't even know about. Anyway, everyone (including the staff, yeah they had staff) knew about this particular room, and supposedly it was completely off limits to my friend. His parents said that the stuff in there was 'terrible' for kids.

Boy though, he was curious, and by the time we were 12, he couldn't hold that curiosity. When he knew his mom and dad were gone, he ventured to the far end of the house, slowly pushing open the door to this secret place. Surprisingly, this 'terrible' place for kids turned out to be nothing more than a room with a bunch of his dad's stuff. Perfectly organized and aligned, my friend found his dad's stuff from his formative years.

There were model cars, planes, and trains neatly aligned on shelfs stacked one on top of the other. Piles of dirty magazines were stashed in large containers, and baseball cards were neatly catalogued in gigantic albums. My friend played with the stuff for about thirty minutes, leaving quickly to avoid capture. The rush though completely stoked him, and he could barely contain his excitement about the new find.

When he called and told me about it, I asked him if he could get in trouble. He said yes, and that sometimes he felt scared or guilty that he'd get caught after he'd been there awhile. The excitement with the things he saw, though, outweighed any previous fear.

In fact, he just started going all the time, sometimes even when his parents were home. There was just this intense curiosity and excitement about the room. He told me sometimes he was scared, scared to get caught, frightened something would happen. Sometimes I think he felt guilty that no one knew he was going to that room. He told me he wasn't really sure why he felt so guilty; it was just stuff, just fun.

I don't think he was complaining though, he just wanted someone to know. He needed somebody to tell.

Another Reason

2009-06-27T19:14:00.000-07:00

There might be another reason why I feel guilty about one-night stands. I keep having them :-). And, I had another hook up with a guy I was chatting with randomly.

I was just sitting here in the house, minding my own business around 12:30a.m. My family tends to be online so I chat with them or write emails to friends back home. It's fun and it gives me a chance to connect with my people :-).

Anyway, I am a multitasker, and usually while I'm doing this, I'm chatting with random people on gay sites. A couple nights ago, I was writing a couple friends about my next planned trip (Mae Hong Sen) and a guy messaged me.

'Hi, how are you? What are you doing tonight?" he asked.

The English was correct, so I immediately got suspicious, and checked out his picture. Curiously, there were no shirtless pics... He was 25 and living downtown, about an hours drive from my house (I really live on the outskirts of the city). I saw his picture and he looked very sweet (I don't know how you look sweet, you just do I guess), cute, and young.

Immediately, I thought he might be a money boy, looking for someone to 'take care,' which is often Thai speak for someone that wants farang to pay for one thing or another. Then again, he didn't have a shirtless pic, and usually they all have one. No worries though, it doesn't really matter, I'll still talk with you whoever you are :-), so I replied, "I'm great thank you, how are you?"

"I'm ok, but really lonely."

Terse maybe, but again the language was not just understandable, but correct. Usually, if you talk with many Thai guys online, you'll see their grammar is really strange. It will often be difficult to communicate with them because of that communication barrier, and misunderstandings are really common. Yeah, I know what you guys are thinking about my writing :-P!!!

So, the lonely response got me thinking how I should reply. This is where multitasking gets me btw, I should be concentrating on writing friends and not chatting to many people at one time. I'm going to get migraines :-). Anyway, there was a short response, but it was probably saying more then the short language right? 'Lonely,' therefore looking for companionship at 12:30a.m.? That was the implication I thought, and thereafter realized this guy was probably more than just a moneyboy.

The question was, did I want another meet up? It was late, and I was kind of... you know... horney :P... But, the flip side, I was just thinking about the last one-night stand and my feelings about it. Things were muddled and I wasn't sure. I started to realize I was thinking too much.

So I gave him the straight-forward, shortest reply, "y?"

About two minutes passed, and I got the following response, "Can I call you? I really need to talk with someone."

The language again was short, but I had a feeling he spoke better than most Thai people. I was curious, and gave him my number. He called almost immediately; his voice was kind and soft.

"Hi how are you? You sound really nice in your profile. I'm just looking for someone kind to talk with. I'm really lonely, and I am having a difficult night. I don't want to be alone, and..." he stopped.

I was impressed and interested when I heard his voice. I said nothing though at first, just sat in silence for a couple seconds, and my reaction was empathy washing over. It was warm and happy, like foamy bath water.

"I don't want you to be lonely," I said. "Tell me what's wrong. What can I do?"

"I just don't want to be alone tonight," he said in almost perfect English, "and I was hoping I could talk with you. I hear you though and I don't want to just talk on the phone. I want to see you. Can we meet tonight? Can we have a drink or something?"

Yeah, his English was excellent. Was he even smooth?

"I'm not sure... Uh, it's really late, and I think I just need to stay home," I kind of blurted out in a not-so-smooth response .

"Well that's ok, I just really want to talk and I really want to see you. It's ok if you're at home, maybe I can just meet you close?"

"Oh, well there's really nothing open here now, I live really far. Maybe we can meet another time... or," kind of just talking without thinking or unconsciously horney again, "you could come over here."

"Are you inviting me? I'd really like to talk and be with someone tonight."

"Uh," realizing where this is going, "do you really want to come this far? I mean it's over a hour away."

"Yeah... I'm lonely."

I recognized the dangers, but made the call. He was at my house about 45 minutes later, wearing a nice shirt and slacks --- cute shoes. Tall and skinny with lighter skin, he almost looked 1/3 Thai, 1/3 Chinese, and 1/3 Indian. He worked at an international hotel chain, and he came to meet me in the middle of nowhere.

We went to my room, and talked about everything. His job, my job. His family, my family. His love, my nothing. I guess his boyfriend (some russian guy) dumped him for a younger chinese boy, and he needed someone. Maybe a rebound.

By 3:00 am that was ok. Eventually, our hands found each others' and we started to touch. Things went silent and our eyes met. We started to kiss and eventually the lights went out as we slowly took off each others' clothes, our lips never parting. It was hot again that night in my room. We had sex really slowly though, and took a shower together, washing each other, kissing softly.

We slept in my bed, and woke up together the next day. He touched me, and immediately I wanted it again. We had sweaty sex. This time faster, him grunting and licking my ear. It was more urgent before he left.

About an hour later, after another shower, he went home. There is some kind of negative feeling now... I'm not sure if I feel guilty about what happened, or if I'm scared nothing will happen after....

Do Other People Feel Guilty

2009-06-26T23:52:00.000-07:00

So I've brought home a couple (lol, maybe more than a couple) guys, and they stayed the night. I'm not talking about a threesome :P, I just mean that over the 8 (maybe 9 :)?) months or so that I've been here, I've met some guys and we went home together --- one-night stands.

I've been thinking about that after having sex with the guy who was afraid to tell his family he's gay... Most times I feel guilty about these one-night stands, and I'm not quite sure why.

Maybe it's some kind of morality thing. I might just have a built-in conscience trap that makes me feel that a one-time thing is 'wrong.' It's weird too, because I have always been told that being gay was 'wrong.' Not by my parents per say (although they kind of hinted at it), it was more from my school and my religion.

I guess I have made the conscious decision that I am gay; it's not something that school or religion could change. Somehow though, I might have this unconscious feeling that I must somehow mitigate my 'gayness' by refraining from wanton sex or a sweaty quick one in my bedroom with no covers in the middle of the frying daytime hours of Bangkok :-).

I wonder if this feeling or unconscious (I guess conscious now :)) choice is warranted or reasonable. Do straight people (probably more men because I'm talking about sex drive and the male conscious) feel remorse following a one-time thing? Do I just feel the remorse because I am gay?

I suppose part of my guilt is based on religion, but I'm also cognizant of health dangers (I always practice safer sex :) and reading about scientific measurements of love and connection in sexual relationships. Yeah :-). I also like to read about Buddhism sometimes, and using someone else for your own sexual gratification, and thereby allowing them to use you the same way does hurt, bringing each partner further from enlightenment... chai mai krub? Did I get that right?

Anyway, do you ever feel it? Remorse? Do gay people who go home (hotel :P) with a Thai guy from the go-go bar feel it? I'm interested to know, and I'm interested whether my 'shame' is 'reasonable.'

Fascinated with the Neighbor

2009-06-16T06:50:00.000-07:00

This is going to be sort of randomness -- again -- just to warn you :). My thoughts recently have been on our next-door neighbor. Not the Thai guy that always walks by me in his boxers every day:), not the literal one, but the neighbor to our West, Burma. The Thailand, as Robert, my Chinese friend tells me, is next to the Burma :).

From what I read and see, the Thai government is completely confused by the Burmese people.

Are they from Burma, or are they from Myanmar, btw? I'm confused about them too.

Anyway, from what I hear the Burmese people have it rough. They risk life and limb every day to cross the border and work in Thailand for 2,000 or 3,000 Baht (Maybe $60-80) a month. Those are the high-paying jobs... Make no mistake, people tell me, that money is far better than anything the Burmese can make due to discrimination and poor conditions in the country.

The central government there is controlled by a cadre of military leaders, bilking the country's natural resources (gems, oil, and drugs) and failing to give back to the population. Not the only place this happens, I know, but I get to see first hand the people who leave Burma to come and work in Thailand.

You know those guys who work at the suit shops on the tourist roads (everyone is dark-skinned and Indian looking)? What about the people who are working on the road construction? How about the many light-skinned boys that work in your favorite go-go bar? What about the girls that speak Chinese and work in the Chinese restaurants?

Yeah, most of them walked here. That's their favorite way of describing the Burmese experience in Thailand. Friends from the country literally ask, "did you walk here?" to determine if someone is from their homeland. Supposedly it's a two or three day trek, walking at night to avoid any Thai border authorities. The jungle, they tell me, is teeming with life and waist high water, as you make your way from the pastures to 'civilization.'

I think it's fascinating -- not the hard life so much (it still is interesting) -- but also the diversity of the people from Burma. I love to talk with those willing to shoot the breeze about it. Mostly it's the guys at the suit shops, but some girls at my favorite Chinese restaurant like to talk about anything, including how hot Mario Maurer is :).

All of them love westerners too by the way, they want to be in France or the States :). I've had people tell me that they love western people, and really want to know them better. That always makes me smile :-)! What would happen if they really did know us?

Anyway, the Thai government cannot really regulate their entry to the country. They come. They go. Mostly, the Thai just leave it be, unless an unlucky person finds themselves pulled over by the police. Then, out of the country they supposedly go.

The ones who end up here and become legal usually do so by becoming indentured to one job for a really cheap wage. Look and talk to the suit guys or the people in a Chinese restaurant some time. Those who can speak English or Thai, want to speak with someone.

I was talking to a suit guy awhile ago. We talked about Aung Suu Kyi, the symbol of democracy to the Burmese. As an aside, she is supposedly involved in a strange trial about a violation of her house arrest. Some American guy swam across a lake to visit her home for two days. I guess it's against the law for her to have a house guest; maybe it's Burma that's oppressive....

So the guy at the suit shop told me that he crossed the border two years ago illegally. Friends told him he could find work at a suit shop, and he found himself on Khao San Road. The work wasn't hard to find. Money though, didn't come easy, because he worked 14 hour days seven days a week. He gets one day per month vacation, and he makes 3,000 Baht per month (2,500 btw somehow goes back to Burma he says).

He also had to pay some lawyer that lives here in Thailand. The guy is supposedly Burmese and represents all the illegal workers in the suit shops. Every 6 months or so, the guy pays a visit and 'asks' for 1,000 Baht. In return, the illegal Burmese people receive some kind permit that allows them to stay in country so long as they stay working at their 98hr. per week job making about $90.

All this had me thinking that things must be pretty bad in Burma.

I'm Not Sure

2009-06-13T17:16:00.000-07:00

Coincidentally when I left my home country, there was a travel show about Bangkok. I'm not a big TV person, but I decided to watch and got really excited. The show made it seem like Bangkok was the gay Garden of Eden ( :-)), and everyone was happy and frolicking around the streets due to the Thai's patient and tolerant demeanor. I'm not so sure about all of that.

I had another hook up this past week. He was a nice guy, a little younger than me from Phuket. Darker and really handsome (i don't really subscribe to Thai beauty standards), I thought he was very slim and tight... It was really beautiful to see him naked :-P.

Anyway, we met after chatting for a month, and made love in my room. I say love, because it was really soft and nice, slow but unyielding --- both of us were sweaty after, just laying in my bed talking.

I asked him about his life here, about his family. He thought it was a topic better left untouched, but for some reason that made me more curious. I pressed him by asking again, and he frowned, telling me that it makes him sad. Apparently, he's been afraid to tell his family about himself. He thinks they hate gays.

I was really surprsied at that attitude in Thailand, my supposedly accepting new home.

But now that I think about it, I've had a couple kids in my classes joke about being gay. Many of them, if I give them a comment about it, tell me they're not really gay. I always smile and acknowledge. Later when they are comfortable talking with me, I've had a couple of them tell me that they hate 'gay' too.

I thought about this last week as I was washing my bedsheets.

Travel Deal

2009-06-07T07:37:00.001-07:00

Even though I'm still a little sick, this weekend I went on a day trip to Kanchanaburi. It's a city in the West of the country about three hours train ride from the downtown train station, Hua Lamphong.

I love the train station in Bangkok by the way. It's in probably my favorite neighborhood in the city, full of history and musty smells. I often go there when I find myself in the city proper. I really love to walk the station in the afternoons and evenings. The smells, the sounds, the sights... There's a convergence of people from all over Thailand, and the diversity is really interesting and beautiful. I see women in Burkhas, men in tribal garb, hot guys from all over ;P.

Anyway, I went to the train station on Saturday morning after a late night with friends from school (we went to a Thai bar, and there was this guy that kept trying to dance up against me in the crowded nightspot. He was quite attractive, the chinese looking thai again, but my friend really liked him, so I tried to stay away :)). Ok, really now, back to the trip. We caught a train that leaves the station at 6:30a.m.!

I had to leave my house at 5am to get there, but the lack of sleep was so worth it! The days here now are so cool and beautiful, occassionally sprinkled with light rain in the most green countryside westerners can dream of. I can't understand why people don't want to stay here during the 'rainy' season...

We rode the train down the 'death railway' (so named for the 100,000 Allied POW's who died building the railroad for the Japanese) as we looked out over beautiful Thai landscapes set against hills and mountains in the Thai countryside.

The simplicity of life there, and the smiles of the people in the cities (the train made a couple of stops) was so awesome. People waved at me and my farang friends. Women laughed as we spoke Thai to the locals. Everyone wanted to know where we came from. Children ran circles around us at the famous Bridge over the River Kwai.

As the trip continued, we passed ravines set against the river. It was stunning and picturesque. I just kept thinking about how lucky we were to live in Thailand, as our train slowly passed the steep drops at a rolling, lazy pace. We watched the greens turn deeper, and the rain lightly kissed the forest, the train. We just rolled along, hitting random stops near the border with Burma.

At our last stop in the afternoon, we found ourselves at a waterfall very near the Burmese border. People were having so much fun playing in the water, and kids were splashing around, yelling 'hello!' and 'what's your name!?!?!" It was so cool, and so relaxing. I forgot there's a whole other Thai world out there, completely set apart from Bangkok.

I can't get the pictures out of my head. The smiles and the cool air are still with me :).

We ended up getting back around 7:30p.m., and I slept as soon as we hit the cab.

So I checked my wallet the next day to assess the damage. Total cost for the trip: 300 Baht. 200 for food and drinks, 100 for the train ride. That's about $9 for a full day across the country. That my friends is a travel deal :).

Difficult?

2009-06-04T03:50:00.000-07:00

I've read a couple comments on the blog about my job. Some readers, I think, want to know what it's like teaching in a foreign country to Thai and international students. It sounds like some think it would be difficult to concentrate with a bunch of 17 and 18 year old guys hanging around me every day :P.

My general response to this, and other comments, is: you have no idea :). Actually I mean, it isn't really the typical response most gay guys would have...

The best way I can explain teaching here to most is that it is 'sickening.' Literally, these kids are always coughing and sniffling (especially during the recent weather change: from scorching to hot to cool and rainy) on me all day. That generally means I get sick once every two or three months :)!

Yeah, I got a cold this week from one of my students. No more partying for me :)!

So, it also means that I don't really get to see the attractive side of most guys in my classes. They are generally sick or finding a way to exasperate me :). They talk, they yell, they laugh, they play guitar, they skateboard... you name it, and they probably find a way to make Teacher tired :)!

Really, they are generally good kids -- naughty -- but pretty good. I have some classes during the day where I spend 30 minutes trying to get every one of them in to their books. Then I spend the next 20 minutes trying to settle them down as the bell rings to hit the next class. The majority of them though are kind and pretty respectful.

Don't get me wrong, there are some bad apples any place you go. Thailand is no different, and I have some kids that really need a harsh lesson (more on this in another post), then some love. I'm waiting for a Thai person to say it to them. Most of them don't speak English that well, so my Thai (Chinese and Japanese too) has to keep getting better :).

As for the whole gay attraction thing, this is a difficult subject for me to accurately and tersely :0) describe. Sure, I think some of my students are attractive, sometimes really attractive, but number one, I have to be professional. That's why I was hired, and I don't take my boss' trust out with the trash. Anyone, gay or straight, who teaches this age group recognizes the issues that are inherent with 'of age' or almost 'of age' students. There is a clear line, and I recognize that, so it's not much of a problem.

With that being said, there are some really beautiful 18-year-olds in my classes ;) --- some have been running around with their shirts off lately! I actually have guys you'd find in one of those asian gay magazines or the DVD sex videos on Silom road (That's just what I hear from a friend, I would never... :). To be honest though, those aren't really the kind of guys I am attracted to.

Yeah sometimes I like a classically handsome guy to look at, but most times I'm attracted to nerds or guys who are really quiet and kind. I have some real 'nerds' hanging out at my school, and most of them are really sweet boys and girls that I think will really be great for someone (more toward their own age) some day.

I have to admit that sometimes I find these students (as long as they're 18 :) really attractive. If you are a thoughtful person, who cares about other people as well as yourself, then I am genuinely interested in you, and I want to get to know you more. I have a bunch of students who are like this. They're respectful, kind, sweet, and... really handsome to me.

It doesn't mean though that I would violate the trust placed with me. I am a professional guys, and I do my best to maintain my professionalism in the workplace... even when faced with naughty students.

My kids, many of the boys, have guessed that I am gay. In my opinion, I don't believe I'm effeminate. I have been told by many people that I don't 'look or sound gay.' Whatever that means... Anyway, some of the kids are always making jokes with me. "Do you have a boyfriend teacher?" "Do you like ladyboy?" "Do you like me teacher??? How about my friend? Teacher, pay me 500 Baht and you can have his butt :)." Aya!

Thanks student, but no thanks. I'm good and not particularly interested in you or your friend unless you are from a really rich family or you're really good friends with Thaksin Shinawatra :).

Honestly, I have not told the kids I am gay. My ability to deflect questions just keeps getting better, but I'm wondering what the consequence would be if I actually answered the questions... I'm thinking about coming out... again.

How about a Random?

2009-05-30T18:02:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling random again this morning.

This past weekend? No parties, no craziness, no nothing --- crazy. I did meet the Thai guy again from the weekend before though. Maybe a little crazy...

You're probably wondering why I would agree to meet. Most succinctly: I felt bad for him.

He called like five times after the incident (trying to hold me and down, top me without a condom) and apologized. There were text messages, and it almost sounded like tearful words. I told him 'no problem,' but he was still really upset. So, I agreed to meet him for a movie (Terminator) and a little talk.

I ended up getting there a little late (taxi problems :P, they always want to go the long way) so the movie had started. There were maybe 5 phone calls already that day (When do we meet? Where are you now? When will you be here? I have to buy the tickets!), so I was not surprised that he was a little fidgety by the time I arrived.

"We have to be there now!" he said, "We talk on our way to the movie."

"Uh, ok." was the reply, as there was little talking in the rush to catch the previews :).

We walked into the theater, and it was like he wanted to watch me throughout the movie. There wasn't much of an attempt to be close, but he did though try to touch the back of my head, see if I was sleepy?

I wasn't so much tired as kind of disinterested with the story. I mean John Connor's always jumping around in time. He's fighting. He's listening. He's upset.

Is he really the leader of the resistance, btw? I mean he just seemed confused the whole time, and trying to do something to make the movie interesting.

I think the guy (Christian Bale) was probably upset, thinking about the holes in the story line. People would be in one place then immediately in another with very little explanation. Illogical thoughts and ideas would seem feasible to the characters, and the Terminator never did a particularly good job with terminating the targets.

No problem ever with killing bit parts or non-central characters, but if it came to killing John Connor or his 17-year-old father (not enough room to get me started with this time travel stuff), the Terminator just seemed to think a slow walk and a strong push was adequate. I counted at least five times that the wild-eyed cyborg could have just done-in a main character, but instead opted for a push/throw move that showcased the Terminator's intense strength.

Basically, the Terminator was showing off :-).

I ate some popcorn, thought about my family at home, and what I was going to tell the guy next to me in the movie.

Turns out, I didn't really need to worry about talking with him as the movie ended. He took care of that for me. As we walked from the theater, I could tell he was a little nervous and upset. His palms were constantly touching his jeans, and he was walking quickly.

The talking just kind of started and I was along for the ride.

"Sorry if I sounded bossy on the phone." "I worked out today." "I'm still really tired from work." "I can tell why your students think you are gay." "Why don't you discipline or hit your students?" "Why didn't you tell the taxi driver to go another way?" "I bet you can't say that in Thai that's why you were late." "You're the gay queen, really passive, that's why you were late."

All of my replies were maybe 3 or 4 words. I added a little more to the students think you are gay comment. I was wondering if this guy was really interested in me. He definitely had an awkward way to communicate it :-).

He asked if I wanted to do something else as we walked. He was, I think, pressing me to make a decision, so I suggested maybe coffee or ice cream together. That was not a popular vote with him, so we ended up at the BTS (skytrain) station talking --- more me listening ;). That was fine by me.

We never even really talked about the weekend before. He just said he was really sorry but that he didn't really remember :).

I smiled, "Ok, no problem. Listen, I have to catch the last bus home. Let me pay you for the movie ticket."

"No, you can pay for the next one. We have a deal?" was his answer.

I smiled I think, and paid for my ticket to the last station. I rode the bus home, thinking about the 'passive' comment.

Don't Worry

2009-05-26T05:34:00.000-07:00

I'm cool. It's ok, yeah, I'm fine. I ate. I slept. I had some time to think. Mostly, I spent a day or two reading. There's a couple of books I'm trying to finish, and I'm also attempting to get my mind off the weekend.

I got two more calls from the Thai guy who HAD to meet, and I got another call from a sort of 'blind date' I met through a friend. I ignored the guy with the 'ex,' (took your advice ;) and decided to go out with the new guy. Thought it would be kind of nice to have an evening with someone, maybe just dinner or something.

So, without ever meeting or talking to the guy (we just used text messages), we ended up setting a date at Siam for sushi and a movie. We met at the new BTS station, and I was surprised by the guy's look. Not so much Thai as very... I don't know... almost American but with the asian features.

He spoke English very well, and talking was nice and polite at first. There were many periods of silence, but it was comfortable for me. I like people who don't always feel the need to force words for the sake of talking, you know?

The dinner went well, and we discussed his family and friends, his job, his boss, and his previous boyfriends from abroad. I'm always interested in peoples' stories, and I really enjoyed hearing about his past and his goals.

I probably should have listened a little more closely though. He was talking and I was hearing, but I wasn't thinking about how much we talked about him. I'm not oblivious to the idea that everyones' favorite subject is themselves, but I think for a true relationship, I'm looking for someone that is familiar with the concept too... is this arrogant?

Anyway, the movie was not so good (Night at the Museum 2), but I noticed that he wanted to touch and be close. I didn't mind that so much; I really like affection :). I should have, though, seen some things coming....

By the time the movie ended, it was past midnight and my house was very far away. He asked me to just stay at his house, assuring me that I could just sleep and nothing needed to happen. I was really tired after a long work week, and agreed.

We ended up in an old section of Bangkok propped up by wooden planks, aluminum, and hard glue. Dogs were barking, and in the distance I could see chickens prowling the yards.

My friend took me to his house, and led me to a room that was really, how do I say it --- tight. I saw a bed that put us pretty much directly next to each other, and there was little room for anything else. The room was maybe four by six meters :) and that should have told me something.

At that time though, I was so tired, I just rolled into the bed and there he was next to me, cuddling up as I fell asleep.

All through the night, I could still feel his hands touching me. He would caress my shoulders, my neck; I would feel his hands lifting up my shirt. He ultimately unbuttoned my shorts, and he was trying to push them down. It was the moment I could have stopped him... but I didn't. Sounds familiar eh?

He took off my underwear along with my pants, and I was laying there naked as he moved on to me. He was kissing and trying to touch me. I let him, but he kept going farther until he found his way down to my bottom.

He kept pushing his finger there as I kind of muffled a 'no' into the kiss. He put his hand over my mouth though, and held me there... Me making noise, and him pushing his hand harder over my mouth as his finger moved.

I kept saying 'no,' but he kept pushing, and then I felt him try to touch himself, a move to top me --- without a condom.

I was tired and kind of dazed, but I knew it wasn't what I wanted. I almost yelled , 'NO' into his hand as he finally relented, moving his finger away.

He still held me down though, kind of climbing on to straddle me. He touched himself, ultimately jerking himself off on my body, as I laid there.

When he was finished, he kissed me and wiped my body as I lay there. From him touching me, I came too.

After he fell asleep, so did I. It wasn't a comfortable rest though, and I was awake at 6am. My stuff was close by, I grabbed it and whispered a good bye, moving quickly out the door.

He's called me a couple times since then, saying he was sorry, that he was tired, and that he didn't really remember everything.

It went so far, but didn't end like an after-school special. I'm fine, and not really hurt. Should I feel upset? I don't really, but I know that's definitely not a relationship situation.

I don't mind his company though. I'm just going to forget it.

You Call, Say the Money, F*** You

2009-05-23T19:29:00.000-07:00

Thursday night, was drama night. I'm not a TV watcher though, so usually the drama revolves around something that I screwed up.

This time, it was a relationship with a Thai guy. Yeah, another one.

I had this hook up one time a little while ago. I never wrote about it before because I didn't take it seriously. The guy was just lonely, and more than anything, wanted someone to spend time with him. He was having trouble with his 'ex' :).

We had talked online before, just chatting, but he wanted to meet one time before I went to Vietnam. Even before I answered, intuition was telling me to keep my distance. I did, of course, fail to listen to the inner voice, and met this friend for coffee.

The talking was nice, and he did his best to be very friendly. We spoke about his boyfriend (another foreigner) who found a new guy living in Argentina (international playboy). The conversation touched on loneliness, fidelity, and the German language (don't ask :). It was both comfortable and uncomfortable simultaneously... I was listening, but unable to stay in the moment, wondering what was going to happen...

Ultimately, he asked to visit my house. Thinking that was definitely not a good idea, I offered to accompany him back to his sister's house. Also not a good idea, because we ended up staying together, me just wanting to hug and/or cuddle at first --- him wanting sex. Ultimately, the libido won out (I should have never put myself in the position), and I stayed the night at his sister's.

I ended up going to Vietnam a couple days later, and I got some phone calls from him. I thought he was just looking for quick sex and/or a deeper relationship. Honestly, I'm not ready to provide either, and I told him that when I came back.

Well, he ended up calling again Thursday; this time in complete hysterics. "You meet me, do it now, do it!" (the gay Arnold Schwarznegger :)

"I don't understand, are you ok?" I asked.

"I HAVE to see you, MUST NOW. You tell me we see. You tell me!"

"What's wrong? I'm sorry, but I'm not really sure that I understand you?"

"Meet me tonight!!! Now you be here now?!?!"

"No, I'm sorry. I can't. I have to meet a friend, and I have to work tomorrow."

"You call, say the money, f*$# you!"

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"I need to see you. Must see now!!!"

"Alright," I replied knowing something was wrong, "but I can't stay long because I have to work. I have to be back at my house."

My friend with me said it didn't sound right. There was something 'not right' with the guy. I tended to agree, but he also sounded like he was in need (was I curious what would happen also?). I got in the taxi and met the 'friend' downtown anyway.

"Thank you. thank you" he cried, showing up about 30 minutes late. "My ex and my Mom think I am liar, but I not liar. I can't go home now."

"You seem really upset." I said, trying to speak gently. "Let me walk with you for a little bit. We can talk."

"I want to stay with you," was the reply.

"You know I said we can't, ever..." I paused, "but I'm willing to be your friend. I want to listen."

So the conversation started for an hour as I walked him about a kilometer to a hotel I know. We talked about his 'ex,' and he told me about his mom and ex collaborating against him, telling him that he is dishonest. Something about stealing. When he realized we were at the hotel, he turned for a moment, looking upstairs and smiling expectantly.

I walked inside, and he followed. I spoke with the front-desk manager, took a room for the night, paid. Then, I gave my friend the key.

"Here's a place for you tonight. Take it and rest. Tomorrow, call your ex and then call your mom, I think you guys can work it out."

"Stay with me tonight." was his reply.

"I can't do that." I said, and turned to leave. He tried to stop me, but I walked to the taxi stand and got home for about 5 hours of sleep prior to work :). He called and said 'thank you.'

So, he's called me three or four times since then. Supposedly, his ex wants to meet me. He wants us all to have coffee together (!), and thank me for helping his 'ex-boyfriend.' Everyone needs to meet my friend says.

It was getting really comical now, and I almost laughed really loudly on the phone, wondering what would happen if I met these two for coffee. My friends would definitely think I'm crazy. I think you would probably think the same?

What did my grandma say about curiosity???

Hen Hao Lao Shi

2009-05-22T04:44:00.000-07:00

School is back in full effect now. Everyone is back from their trips abroad, and ready for the long haul. I think that's good for me, less time for idle hands :).

I've actually really been happy this week. I don't know why but I really like my job. I love the kids, even though they're naughty :), they are sweet (most of them:) and fun. My position this semester moved from teaching a core subject up to English in the 12th grade. The students have really been great! I'm thinking about writing further on this tomorrow...

I also really missed some of my colleagues from work. Mind you, the ones from my country, not so much :), but my foreign friends are just flat cool.

Two of my best work colleagues are Chinese. I seem to get along so well with the zhong guo ren :) (Chinese people). They really are thoughtful friends, always buying me things without warning, trying to speak with me often in English. Mostly, they just entertain me.

Yesterday, one of them, his English name is Robert, came to sit at my desk "for the talking," as he so puts it. He shows me his book, and starts the conversation off by telling me that, "women carry the purse." I told him they also carry 'a' purse, but he ignored that, going on to tell me that men carry "the wallet."

"Yes," Robert I replied, "but some enterprising men, even 'the gay' carry a man-purse."

"Really?" Robert asked, "What is the man purse?"

"Well," I answered, "it's like a smaller bag that men use to carry their valuables and their face powder."

"Oooohhh, I love the face powder."

"Yeah, it's pretty cool Rob, I like to watch the little kids walking around with their faces covered in it. Hey did you also know that people wear the 'fanny pack?'"

(Blank look, then Robert starts looking through his bag pulling out his trusty pocket translator, typing furiously as I spell)

(The light bulb goes off and Robert smiles) (Short pause)

"Yesterday," Robert starts, "when I was younger, I wear the fanny pack. I keep the face powder and the wallet. I not have the man purse however."

I looked at Robert for about a minute. Then we both smiled.

Remind me to tell you one day about explaining to Robert the expression, "a rolling stone gathers no moss." :)

The Final Frontier

2009-05-18T00:45:00.000-07:00

I'm a nerd. I'd like to think I am at least.

It's always been something to which I aspired... Perhaps if you want to be one (a nerd) though, you're not really full-on. I mean you can't really try to be something traditionally defined by other people around you. Or, do you get to define it? Lol, who am I ;)?

Anyway in high school, comformity probably pushed me a bit main stream (rap music, movies, going to parties, etc.), but by the time I hit university, I was full on aspiring to 'nerd.'

I started watching sci-fi in the daylight hours; I wore my pants a little high (still fashionable though:); I got a bow tie (also cool); and bought a pocket protector. Just kidding about that last one.

Really though, I watched all kinds of sci-fi, and found myself with the complete series of Star Trek: The Next Generation. I loved every episode. It wasn't just the idea of dealing with aliens or traveling in space though, the stories were so awesome. I loved the allegory.

There was this one episode where Commander Riker (a central character and right-hand man to the Captain) traveled to a strange planet where everyone was the same gender. These 'aliens' were forbidden to have relationships with aliens from other races, other planets. They were required to follow the moral code, and failure to comply resulted in the death penalty.

Well, Commander Riker and one of the planet's inhabitants end up falling in love, and he finds himself in a death penalty trial, attempting to explain kindness, freedom, and love from the eyes of an 'Earthling.' Many spectators at the trial cannot understand the relationship, and accuse the Commander and his 'friend' of failing to follow moral law, tradition, principles that were set for milennia. The Commander and his crewmates then must work together to prove that love is not set by these boundaries, that you cannot choose who you love :).

The episode and the moral tug-of-war fascinated me. My arm-hair stood up. I felt warm inside. Other people understood that it was ok to be different.

That's what I loved about Star Trek. There were people in the show from everywhere --- really, places that we didn't even know. They had to be imagined :)!

To me, it was like an accepting world where everyone was different, and that was ok. They were just working hard to be better, to learn more --- to explore :).

So you can imagine that I was pretty stoked about the release of the newest Star Trek movie. After getting back from Vietnam and cleaning my room, I woke up this weekend, put on my starfleet costume (really, I am kidding about this one ;) and hit the Mall with a friend.

I wasn't disappointed at all with the movie. It was awesome, and I would recommend it to anyone that likes a cool story.

What struck me most about the film though was the casting. To me, the choices were really interesting. Generally, film casters are going the route of picking young, really muscular and almost pretty guys for their roles. At least I think so --- not that I always complain about that :).

These people in the movie though were not the typical Hollywood beauty set. They were all attractive to me, but more diverse, more representative of real people. They had flaws, different figures... different colors.

Just looking at the main character of the Captain (Captain Kirk). He was gritty, tougher looking. Still very attractive, but not the typical (current maybe) Hollywood handsome. There were times in the movie that I found myself more attracted to the guy because he was different.

Same with the other characters, they were different colors and shapes. Still beautiful, but in a more authentic, honest, and inclusive way.

I'm happy that Star Trek has retained its values. Diversity and inclusion still mean something to me. People -- especially nerds :) -- who value that, aliens, and space travel still make my arm hair stand up, still make me feel warm :).

Happy to Be Home Part Deux

2009-05-16T05:27:00.000-07:00

Wow, that was an amazing bagel! I gotta tell you, I really miss that kind of stuff in my new home. This Moobahn (neighborhood) is still not hip to the bakery concept, and I had to travel two countries east to find the proper breakfast bread. Ohhhh, but it has been delicious though, eating this bagel for two days :).

Yeah, so I found bagels in Vietnam (thank you France), and all kinds of other interesting things ;). I know in my last post I made it sound like I was a good guy, stearing clear of all the gay 'distractions' and attractions (supposedly no gay bars) there. Let me set the record straight :) for you though, I was kind of a naughty gay.

Before I left Bangkok, I messaged a couple people in Vietnam, using Fridae (online dating site) to kind of meet a couple friends to hang out or whatever. I want to say there was no initial expectations, I just wanted to meet some gay friends in Vietnam, but that again might not be fully accurate. The more I look at the profiles I messaged, the more I noticed that I chose guys who all provided shirtless pics. My subconscious was definitely working.

So on my third night there, my friends kind of all wanted to do their own things. I decided to call up one of the guys, and see if they wanted to have dinner. An hour later, we were eating together at a nice little Japanese restaurant in the local downtown. We talked about our lives, our stories; he told me what it was like to be gay in Vietnam.

"Everything is just below the surface," he said in English much better than mine :). It's not ok to be gay, but people are. 'That's a given in any country,' I thought out loud :). The Vietnamese though, according to my friend, accept that the 'act' occurs, but no one ever talks about it, ever. He said his parents know about him (they found a dildo :) and some computer porn), but are ashamed to talk with him, or even about him to anyone else. I was curious what that does to him, to other Vietnamese.

If everything is packaged -- constricted -- how do people with these feelings react? Seek out randoms for sex? Close their eyes every day and work, accept no romantic or sexual future with another human being? Spend time online, looking for sex partners they find attractive :)? Expose themselves to all kinds of dangers? I think all of this sounds stressful and lonely (he doesn't feel that way though), and I thought about my complaints --- kind of put them in perspective a little bit.

Needless to say, I found the guy engaging, smart, kind (he works for an international airline), and very attractive (mid 20's, tall and strong :). He was so well spoken and self aware. I found myself giving over to him as he spoke. I had never met anyone like that in Thailand; it was almost like he talked ME into bed --- in my native language!

We ended up on his scooter (everyone has one there), heading back to his condo for a 'drink.' I could lie and say we just sat together, but I have to be honest to myself and you. We were in his room, and we were immediately on each other. I know, I know. All night long, literally, we made love. He kissed and did things right, much different than the handful of Thai partners I've had. It was really, really..... nice.

That morning, he made me breakfast and got his clothes ready for work. He came back to bed and we laid together. We hugged, and cuddled. He wanted me to stay, but he said, his mom was coming over. He was afraid she'd be upset.

I smiled and told him about Thailand. He smiled and said anything was better than Vietnam. We kissed again, and I got my clothes, sliding them on wordlessly. Together we walked to a taxi stand, and he gave directions to the driver in perfect Vietnamese :).

You know as a side note, I read at one of the museums that over 3 million people died in the various wars. Somehow the population there though continued to grow. It has surpassed Thailand, and now has over 72 million people. Almost half of those are under the age of 30! Something is going on behind closed doors there.

Happy to be Home

2009-05-13T19:07:00.000-07:00

So, I got back from Vietnam today. The happiness factor has been now raised to yellow, and I find myself comfortable in a world without scooter dangers (I was almost hit two or three times) and constantly honking horns. The drivers there really love the blaring shrills, and I still can't understand it...

Anyway, I had an amazing time! The country is quite beautiful, and the people, while more agressive than Thai, are mostly kind, genuine, and very interested :) in foreigners. There's a great deal I wanted to write about all of it, but I had a real problem finding reliable internet.

On my way out of the first internet spot, I involuntarily (sneeze) turned away from my computer only to find the air freshener in my comfort zone. Less than a millisecond later, I received another face full of Glade, or whatever it was, caking my chin and nose with a white potpourri. That was pretty much it for me there, and I kind of wandered the streets looking for another place the rest of the week. I found nothing though unfortunately, at least not one that would allow me access to Blogger or most other western websites.

I am always hearing that Vietnam is 'repressive.' :)

No worries, I figured I would pile much of my thoughts in one or two posts. I need to stay busy for another week anyway; I have a little bit before work starts again in full swing. What else am I going to do for another week? Should I take another vacation from my vacation? Probably not...

Ok, first the tourist spots. Almost everything we did revolved around tours of Vietnam war memorials. We visited museums, statues, bomb sites, and tunnels --- all the while pursued by hordes of Vietnamese entrepreneurs hawking postcards, sunglasses, books, and chewing gum. Maybe I can figure out a way to show all my new Vietnamese fashion and reading material? I'll work on it while chewing my month supply of chewing gum :)...

The kids selling were really cute (probably should've been in school, but I can't judge), and the adults were also trying so hard. It was pretty striking; you had to admire them! I couldn't help paying $3 for 10 postcards, even if it does ruin it for other backpackers... Sorry, I know really, but I just have to reward people trying to make the dollar, even when they keep hearing 'no' day after day. There's something built into me... I can't explain it.

The memorials struck me too. I just cannot get over the 'fight' in the people of Vietnam. They've literally battled everyone over the years, and they just keep going. That's probably why they're good at the hard sale...

The memorials we followed probably covered only the past 100 years, but they showed the huge toll war has taken on these people. The Vietnamese fought off the French, then the Americans, then the Chinese with bravado --- at least that's what the museum curators/propoganda tell us :).

I remember visiting one museum dedicated to the American war, and walking around for hours. There were pictures of dead Vietnamese everywhere, bloody and unyielding. Some of them made me stop and stare for twenty or thirty minutes, seeing men, women, and children killed in fields, city streets, their homes. I couldn't get over the cruelty and rage of war.

They still sit, nailed to this wall in a corner of my head, probably permanently kept there as I think about Vietnam.

I'm here at the comfort of my home computer (with my vietnamese coffee :)) still wondering why? For what?!?! I know it's overdone; I'm not the first to think it, say it, protest it. It's all been done. Still, I just think about that museum, the countries, those people who died. For what?!?! Did anyone learn anything from it? Iraq anyone?

What does it say about the Vietnamese people? They are never giving up, I'll tell you that.

Most of them wake up every morning trying to sell us something, and/or wanting to get to know westerners better. I can't tell you how many real, genuine smiles I received from people there. Some hard stares, some fake smiles sure, but most of them were really happy to talk with me, wanting to get to know me, maybe get married?

Yeah I got a couple marriage proposals :), but I politely declined. Eventually, I think, everybody there started to figure out that I kinda watched some Vietnamese guys a little too long, especially the guys with their shirts off :).

On with the gay stuff :)!

The guys really are shirtless everywhere in the cities, and I couldn't keep my eyes off them. They really were beautiful --- stronger, more muscular, maybe more rugged than the Thai guys. It was like every guy there was outside lifting something with his shirt off, straining, sweating in the sun. Ohh, the people watching outside was amazing :).

Most of them noticed too. Some were propositioning me?!?! I mean I kind of stuck out, being one of a couple lone whities (with a Thai fashion sense :)) walking the market streets of Vietnam. I kind of remember vividly being at one outdoor market in Chinatown. There were shirtless guys everywhere. Each of them sweating and straining, their six packs shining in the sun, everyone kind of laughing or smiling as I watched.

One guy literally put down this bag of whatever he was selling and watched me walk by, both of us laughing. He really was beautiful, short, shaved hair with the light Chinese features. About my height, he had this beautiful body and his CK underwear was riding really low in his jeans. Oh man, I remember thinking...

My one Chinese friend told me he thought the guy was Chinese and was wondering why he stared like that (my friend is not and does not understand 'the gay').

Anyway, we had to walk out past the same guy to leave the market. I remember turning down the guy's row, and he was waiting for me, looking me straight in the eye as our tour group turned to leave. I kind of stopped towards the back, hoping the group didn't see what was happening --- some of them didn't know I was gay.

I bravely walked forward trying to smile, but not seem too interested. He sat there smiling and waited for me to pass. As I did, he watched and moved his lips, breaking into a bigger smile. I tried to smile again, and then keep walking, but he took my hand. I turned to him and he was up next to me for a split second, speaking in Vietnamese, pointing to a run-down apartment building across the busy street, rubbing my hand with his sweat.

I sooo wished that tour group would go on, leave me to my own viet-sino experience, but I decided to let rationality move me forward. I rubbed his hand back and spoke to him in English, telling him that I thought he was handosme and strong, but I had a date to eat at the Vietnamese KFC :).

He laughed and let me part ways, but every Vietnamese person in that row was looking at us and smiling. As I walked, I was wondering how repressive this place can really be. Maybe the reality of gay Vietnam is not so repressive, at least not at the local Chinatown market.

I did meet some other gay people though, and not all of them felt the country was free for them.

More on this tomorrow morning. I need a bagel :).

A Short Trip

2009-05-08T20:18:00.001-07:00

I got a little time off school, so I went with a friend from home to Vietnam. I'm sitting in an unkempt internet cafe now. The girl that works the front desk keeps making random and untimed movements with an air freshener. Random tourists pass, and every once in awhile they get a face or shirt full of air freshener fired at their person.

This place (Vietnam) is pretty cool, I must say. Everyone is working REALLY hard to make that dollar, and I am consistently swarmed every day I enter the public sphere. Smile, cigarettes, book sales, marijuana, cocaine, X, massage? Thanks, but I live in Thailand... Good times.

Anyway, I received some propositions in Vietnamese ( I really want to speak Thai with them, I have no idea why...), and I'm surprised about the openness here. I always hear this is a pretty repressive place, but I have had at least three guys giving me sex signs with their fingers by the second day. So far, I've politely declined, but I'm capable of fanciful decision-making when the mood hits me.

Maybe I am becoming Thai.

I kind of walk the streets here thinking about Thailand, missing it. I've seen some beautiful places and really kind people, but they don't seem to outweigh my "homesickness."

That's kind of weird. I miss my ramshackle life in Thailand, and I could care less about the neat, orderly thing I had in my home country.

Is It Different Than Home?

2009-05-05T10:12:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago, I was sitting at my work desk. The day was moving along, and a Russian colleague of mine was sitting close by. I like the guy (he's quite funny), and almost consider him a friend at work.

"You hungry?" I asked, as he was lounging and reading the daily paper.

"No, well --- what do you have in mind?" Was the reply.

"Well, I was gonna go down to the 7/11 (as an aside, they really are everywhere), and get a sandwich. You want one?"

"Why 7/11?!?! That's really not the best sandwich."

"Oh, you must've never tried their ham-and-cheese deliciousness (not a very good English teacher :)). Besides, I really like to talk with the 7/11 guy."

"Why?"

"I just think he's nice, and he teaches me Thai." (Big smile developing on my face)(More on this in a later post)

"What, are you some kind of fag or something."

(Slight stammer)(Never told any straight people at work that I'm gay) "Uhhh, Something like that."

(Strange glance) "Huh, ok I'll take a sandwich."

I turned and walked.

The store isn't far from our office, and I moved faster than usual. Failing to speak with anyone for more than a second or two, I managed to purchase two sandwiches.

Then I found us some bottled water.

My hands were sweaty as I handed over the money, a strange look in the female cashier's eyes. I exited post haste; then brought the sandwich and the water, wordlessly placing them at my colleague's desk. He barely registered a glance, and about an hour passed before he started joking with me about the weather, politics, and Thai moustaches. My thoughts were moving quickly, but I still laughed.

The guy is pretty funny.

The Past

2009-05-04T05:29:00.001-07:00

There are not many times I actually miss my home country. I'm starting to think it's strange, especially considering my recent track record in the relationship and friendship department in Thailand. There are only a few people that I have a close relationship with here, so most of my close friendships (and family) are still in my home country. I still don't miss it very much though.

That probably says something about me.

Anyway, my real regret is the inability to stay with my people, and abandoning alot of the cultural stuff. I don't mean the interaction experiences you would find in the country, but the music, the art, the theater. Does this sound gay :)?

No worries though really, mai mi pen ha; mai bpen rai, and all that :). I'm fine; yes, mom I really am fine and eat every day! Really, it's cool, as I sit here listening to some Carpenter's Greatest Hits on my computer:).

Yeah, I still keep my laptop close, so I get to keep up with some stuff coming out, and every once in awhile, my parents send me an Itunes gift card (I know it's Thailand, but I can't bring myself to pirate indie music) to keep up with music at home. My family is really cool too by the way.

Right now, I've been running some really cool stuff, and I just wanted to share it. Music keeps me going many days, and maybe there's somebody out there that has similar tastes or desire. Someone that doesn't mind trying new stuff, or just wants something different... But, don't feel obligated or anything to read or go further, this is just some stuff I wanted to share.

After a wild buying spree about a month ago, I found myself with a bunch of stuff from '08 and present. I've got the Death Cab for Cutie album (Narrow Stairs); it's so catchy and the music really finds a place in your head even after you've taught 11th graders for 5 straight hours. To keep with me that long, there's gotta be something to it :). That MGMT album also has a similar effect (Oracular Spectacular); makes me so frickin crazy! My other top picks for the 'can't let it go' department are Santigold (Santigold), TV on The Radio (Dear Science), and British Sea Power (Do You Like Rock Music) and any of Rooney's (They are some really attractive guys) music. Of course, I can't forget Rihanna, The Polyphonic Spree, Madonna, or any Lady Gaga right now; gotta add the gay :).

In the 'absurdly beautiful' category, I got two picks that are haunting me every day they randomly hit my IPod. Number two, it's gotta be Shearwater (Rooks). Their stuff is so hauntingly amazing that I find myself mesmerized every time the strings and arrangements combine with this guy's beautiful vocals. The work is so cool, it's like sitting near some beautiful body of water with the current or tide constantly changing, revealing something new at the bottom with each movement...

Which is the same for Shearwater's sibling, Okkervil River (Black Sheep Boy, The Stage Names, and The Stand Ins), who are my number one group right now. Their lead singer, Will Sheff, is the most talented writer in music. His lyrics and his arrangements are so creative; I consistently listen without getting tired. He has so much to say, and it never sounds long-winded (I know, I'm trying to wrap this up :)) or overdone. He's a story teller (and creative writing major), drawing novellas and yarns with each song, each set. I am constantly in awe of his talent and wit.

Every time I listen, I fall deeper in love with him:). Maybe he could change for me? His lyrics and actions though suggest my chances aren't so hot :). No worries, I could just ignore those things, and consistently keep going through the same motions that I know don't work :). Maybe I should start waiting for Gael Garcia Bernal to call.

Hmmmm. That's it for the sharing today. Rufus Wainwright is calling my name.

No I Don't Really Think You Do :)

2009-05-02T23:59:00.000-07:00

People I work with, or sometimes random farang friends that come along are always laughing. "It's really weird that you speak Thai!" Or, "that's amazing that you can learn to speak this." And my reply: you guys have no idea, if you actually listened, you would hear how bad it is.

No really, I don't speak the language. I mean I know around 500 or 600 words, but I can tell you that I don't speak Thai. Some I understand due to context, but many things are WAY over my head. The language is so different than my native tendencies that I will probably never speak Thai. It's too strange, too foreign, too simplistically complicated (oxymoron alert :) that I don't think westerners can learn without serious instruction.

So that's why 99.5% of foreigners that brag they speak Thai are pretty funny to me. "Oh, don't worry, I'll show you or teach you." They (people who I never talk with in Thai) tell me. Then I listen to their conversations with taxi drivers or ladies at the local Big C and quietly smile on the inside. Their grammar tends to mirror western thinking/bravado, and most people here are generally answering "Arrae Na?"

Meanwhile my inner smile brightens at the great cultural divide that spans Thai and Western people. Our language, our thoughts, our problem solving --- everything is so different. The Thai language mirrors their culture, and I watch and read every day how well many people are doing at bridging that cultural gorge.

With that being said, I did meet an American guy about two months ago that really did speak Thai. He seemed so happy -- almost blissful -- and so, I don't know --- blase' about everything...

Curious?

2009-04-25T11:56:00.000-07:00

No I'm not really bi or curious or anything in between. I'm gay. I knew that since I was young, but for the longest time I fought it.

The battle finally ended a while ago --- but I still struggle with who or what I am.

That's why I like to read about other people's lives: straight people sometimes, but mostly gay. What do they do? Who are they? What are their hopes, dreams, and other trite, cheesy, and fascinating things like that? I think it gives me perspective to interpret the arrow on my compass.

I'm still not sure if it's a guilty pleasure or a genuine attempt to connect (probably both), but I get my fix by reading all kinds of blogs. Lately, I've stuck to the gay ones in Thailand, and I really enjoy them. I probably only know a couple of many, but the ones I read often, I've added as links to this page.

Since I moved here, I've stayed a loyal reader with a couple bloggers, but the one I probably read most often is bitchofbangkok.blogspot.com. The blog is written by a foreign student living in Thailand, and in it, he/she :) shares impressions of gay life, relationships, and cultural experiences in Bangkok and beyond.

I take genuine interest in the writing, and really appreciate his opinions and experiences. Sometimes, I follow -- with fascination -- his encounters and every day life in Thailand. Other days, I read quietly with my mouth hanging open, surprised by his strong :) confidence and situational assessments.

Please don't get me wrong now, I think the information, the writing, and the blog is awesome, and I really appreciate the work. It's really interesting to read about experiences in Bangkok from different perspectives -- especially age -- younger people as well as the more-seasoned :). When I read this particular blog though, I find myself rapt, always wanting to read more about his life and his sometimes, errr, intense (?) opinions.

I can remember when I first moved here, I read an entry about the Thai attention this particular blogger receives. Something along the lines of: "Why won't these Thai people leave me alone!" I mean all the guy wanted to do was live his life (perhaps anonymously?), and Thai guys kept looking at him, wanting to talk with or maybe get to know him!

I can remember wondering how older (maybe even those who feel less attractive ;)?) people must feel reading those words. I just started wondering why someone should feel sympathy or empathy for a writer/individual that gets attention and interest from others.... So interesting!

New feelings and thoughts then hooked me, and since maybe reading the first couple posts, I wasn't just curious, I was fascinated with this blogger's perspective.

Many times, he writes about his chance encounters with people in the "land of smiles :)." At first, it might have been about cultural acclimation and his hook-ups: online and otherwise. Then though, he started giving glimpses into his relationship with a boyfriend living here from abroad, all the while mixing with talk about his life in Bangkok.

How interesting that he talks so freely about Thais who 'give the look' or provide 'signs' to him. What must it be like to have Thai people ogle you when you're with your boyfriend, or talk about you while you're on the street. To be the subject of conversation when you go to the store, the market, Silom Road :), or really any time you leave your house --- that must be something ...

Again, please don't misunderstand, I really like the blog. It's a pleasure to read about perceived looks, body language, and cultural adaptation, especially stories from a 'young' person that has taken the opportunity.

The idea of a consious choice to live here, surrounded by the strange world of Thailand is fascinating, shocking, and cool. I can identify with this blogger and learn new things every time I stop by. There's sex, intrigue, humor, and sometimes, intellectual disagreement --- that to me, makes for good reading.

I keep following because I appreciate the work. I appreciate the writer, and I love the opportunity to live vicariously :0).

I also appreciate learning new things. With reading this blog, I find myself picking up something new every day, and that's one of the only things I have left to hold on to. It gives me a break from the battle of self loathing , and opens the door for me.

See, now this all has me sitting here thinking about gays, love, and self perception. I'm thinking about the direction my compass points. I'm pretty sure that's a good thing...

Just Randomness

2009-04-23T03:12:00.000-07:00

Out of all my experiences in Bangkok, I keep going out, having sex, still letting things fall where they may. I'm not finding a person to settle down with; why am I still doing things that generally impact myself and others negatively?

Sometimes I think (and read) that Thai guys are 'difficult.' Is it really them, or do I need to follow their lead, and look more at myself in the mirror?

I'm going to be 30 soon. Is that old in gay years?

It's not easy being me. There's alot of self loathing that you have to deal with.

Maybe some people out there are wondering what became of people that I met and have written about. There was the guy who worked at my school that i have a major crush on; I don't think he's interested. Then again, there was always trouble getting a read on him... He is still really sweet though.

There was the younger guy I met at Babylon Sauna. I liked him a lot. He was kind and educated. Someone that I could be happy to spend time with, even if I met him at a gay sauna, after getting it from some random guy. Anyway, I ended up losing my phone, the only place with his number (not so educated), and with it --- him.

It's not all I'm losing. My 'friends' don't seem to call as much (maybe it's because of the phone). Maybe, it's because of my recent actions...

I also find myself sitting alone among strangers at my job. Many of them are so foreign to me, and oftentimes we're from the same country.

I'm not sure if I'm lonely or what... I know the only person that can make me happy is me, so why am I so rough to get along with?

I saw a joke awhile back that just jumped into my head.

Two atoms are walking down the street. First atom says to the second, "Hey, I think I just lost an electron." Second atom asks, "Are you sure?" First atom answers, "I'm positive."

Wish I could find some form of certainty. The only thing we can be certain of is now... and work, I definitely have to work tomorrow.

Am I Screwing It Up?

2009-04-21T03:25:00.000-07:00

This starts from another thought I had from my Songkran week of debauchery. Remember I went out Monday night, and promptly went home with a guy I had met once or twice. He was really amazing, and the sex was awesome (just thought I'd say it one more time). I told you everyone knew, but that's only half the story.

I mean everyone knew, because most every time we go out, I seem to be with someone new. People must think that's kind of off-putting right? I mean we are the gay (as my Chinese friends would say it) of Bangkok, but really... The talking close, the dancing, the kissing --- is too much possible?

Most nights I hang with these friends, I end up going home with someone. They must think that's a little off. The first was the guy with the bow tie who worked at the Thai bar, then a night of craziness with all these Thai guys kissing me in the Pattaya after-hours club, now this new guy. Add to all that, I was kissing the new guy in front of my previous bow-tie hook-up, who also saw me at the after-hours bar.

Yep, he was there too. He told me earlier we would not go home together, but we did kiss early in the morning that day... He smiled, said it was ok. A forced smile was what it was, but with him, I never know what is the end game. I stopped trying to play.

I do have this feeling though that my continued path does not look cool. These friends, especially my farang friend and the bow tie guy must feel strangely. They must right?

Then again, all of these friends work at a go-go/sex bar in Pattaya. Maybe that's the problem.

Yeah, I Get It, But Why?

2009-04-20T04:47:00.000-07:00

I realize things are relatively good for me. I'm living, breathing, feeling my way everyday in a world that generally looks favorably on the West. Set against this, I have a job (albeit whimsical in my home country) and friends that live here who are pretty cool.

Many times, I get the chance to go out on the town with them. Sometimes I meet people. Other nights, I just kind of hang back and watch the play unfold.

This Thai has an older foreign boyfriend. One part of a couple looks the other way as younger people pass. Friends watch as one party member chats away with a potential one-night stand. People smile as they critically evaluate. Everyone gazes from seemingly disinterested eyes, looking around them as they wonder what the others are like. He's hot. He's cute --- not my type. I wonder what that one is like away from his friends, what he's like in bed...

No matter the situation on a night out, I always enjoy some polite or kind conversation. You don't have to be brilliant, handsome, or even complimentary. I wouldn't characterize myself as any of those. I do though like everyone, and generally just want someone to talk with and get to know. Really, no really! It doesn't matter who or what you are or think you are... I like you.

That's why it's really hard for me sometimes. It doesn't really matter the location. There's always people willing to be antisocial, but it just seems more impacting maybe, living here in Bangkok when people are angry or unkind.

Take this week. I went out with my friends here in Bangkok, and a couple of them happen to know the owners of the Telephone and Balcony (the gay bars on Soi 4 downtown). Many times, I have seen these owner guys, or talked in passing. It never fails, they never acknowledge me, save for when my friends are around, and I always find that demeaning.

Anyway, I saw one of the owners of the Telephone with my friends one day. He came up and kind of provided a form of greeting (?) walking away as quickly as he came. The next day, I see the dude, and try to say hi. Of course, the guy looks at me like I'm from outter space, and barely registers a response --- something along the lines of a 'thumbs up.'

It's not the first time it's happened. I've seen a couple guys who run the Balcony, and they've acted exactly the same.

For me, I kind of get it. You're cool. I teach at a school. You have 'money.' I don't have a business, so I'm probably less financially secure, and therefore less likely, maybe, to frequent your drinking establishment.

I get all that, but I still don't really understand the 'why.' I mean the population consists of mostly Asian here in Thailand. We farang, I would think, could at least be pleasant and nice when we see each other. I'm not asking to have a fake show of love, but maybe we could say hi to each other. Pleasantries are just fine for me.

I'm not saying that I won't still go to the Balcony or the Telephone, but really, maybe you could work on your customer care a bit. I know the Balcony and the Telephone are great -- you guys are full, you have many customers, yada yada -- but maybe now economics may push you to start treating people a little better. You do own a BAR after all. You need customers, and I haven't done a case study or anything, but people probably like a place where the owners and staff are kind. I know I do.

I'm just saying.

Always Wrap It Up

2009-04-14T00:16:00.000-07:00

Sorry I took a little bit to write on the holiday festival. Looks like the roommates also didn't pay the internet bill, so it's taking me a bit to get back and on it. There is a good deal for me to write about this week, so I'll do a couple posts, the first on my Monday holiday:

I've never been a huge fan of getting wet. Water falling or being thrown on me generally doesn't get me excited --- especially if I just did my hair :). Recently though, I have been happy to cool off any way I can. Bangkok is extremely steamy ;), and many days, the temperature reaches over 95 degrees Fahrenheit (does this give away where I'm from?). Anyway, couple that with a general lack of air conditioning, and the body needs ways to cool down.

Enter the Songkran festival, the Thai way to lower the temperature in the hottest month of the year. Everyone gets wet. Everyone. You walk around the streets here and people are throwing water at you any way they can (I should write about Thai resource conservation one time :)), while you desperately attempt to keep your phone and wallet dry. As my friend was telling me, most attempts at staying dry are unsuccessful.

So, he and his friends from Pattaya gave me some advice prior to our trip out Monday: always wrap it up. Literally, we wrapped all our stuff in dry condoms prior to hitting the Songkran fun. My friend was smiling and making moaning sounds as my phone and wallet got tied up in their Durex coccoons. Ooooohhhh Ahhhhhh OOOOohhhhh :).

Initially, we hit Khao San Road. This area is the home of bargain backpackers and young Thai who love to dance, sing, and watch the foreigners. My friends said it was the hot spot for Songkran fun, but due to recent government/protester clashes close by, most people decided to stay home. There was still some water throwing and excitement, but my friends said we should hit a spot with more activity. Basically, they wanted to hump and grab some foreign boys, and they didn't find enough at Khao San.

It was somehow decided then to make the run to Silom Road, the home of gay tourists and the Thai business district. When we got there, I saw the reason for the condoms. The road was packed full of people screaming, dancing, and throwing water everywhere. No matter where you looked, the people were soaked and everyone was smiling (not like the regular Thai smile, people really were happy???).

Anyway, I watched as trucks, packed full of revelers, blared their dance music while the passengers threw cold water at passers-by. The passers in turn threw water back, and also spent time smearing a clay powder mixture on the faces of other revelers. There was barely walking room on the street, so everyone screamed that we should meet and hang out on Silom Soi 4, the home of two famous gay bars in Thailand, the Telephone and the Balcony.

Each place is pretty cool to hang at on a weekday (save for the bar owners, more in the next edition), but that night was kind of different. I mean honestly, I didn't fear or feel unsafe due to protestor/government clashes anywhere downtown. I did though get scared when entering the gay throng/horde going to Soi 4. Really, jing jing :)!

There were at least one thousand people trying to get into a small area to drink and hang out. These people were definitely looking to party too. They were grabbing dicks (mine included), and literally tackling guys they thought were young and cute, kissing and humping :) them amidst an over-capacity crowd pushing and shoving back. I was kind of scared for my life, as I got humped and grabbed, being pushed away from my friends in a side area, a little away from the madness.

After being pushed, I looked across and saw them all entering the agreed bar, save for me. I was --- a little scared to head back into the crowd. Getting hurt on Songkran with people humping and grabbing everywhere did not seem like the best way to spend a holiday. The Thai people just seemed kind of restless, I thought best not mess with it :).

Decision made, Lady Gaga started directing me to "Just Dance" :), and I did, kind of falling oblivious to what was around me, just happy I didn't get squashed by the herd. I danced by myself for twenty minutes or so, starting to notice the other guys around me.

Two guys were dancing on the cooler above me. One smiled, bent down, and just grabbed my head, kissing me! I was so suprised, I didn't really kiss back. I'd never really seen the Thai so open, especially because of the time (maybe 10:30) and the whole general aversion to public displays of affection. I should have known this would be a little out of control.

There was this other guy to my right who got right up to me, and watched as I got kissed really passionately. I kind of smiled to break the kiss, and moved back to dancing. The other guy was right there though.

He got up on me, and started dancing with me. When I looked, I realized I knew him. He was about 24 or 25, and I recognized him as the guy who let a friend stay at his house a while ago. I always thought he was really handsome. Slim and taller, with a muay thai haircut and body (he was a good fighter), I was always really attracted to him.

I don't know why I let myself continue down these paths, but ultimately, he kissed me too. It wasn't just any kiss either. I kissed back. We were both immediately hard, and I felt him push in to me as his tongue pushed at my lips. As indiscreetly as possible, his hands were lifting my shirt and touching my chest and moving down my stomach, then hooking into my pants as he felt me.

I'll pass the rest of the details and tell you that we danced another twenty minutes, then went to tell my friend I was heading home. He was already wasted and later told me he didn't remember going to Silom, but knew I went home with a guy we all knew. Everyone there knew.

Me and the new guy ended up going to a hotel room together --- a pretty famous one down in that area :). We hit the third floor area and took off our clothes, then hit shower. We kissed, washed, and touched. He felt my body and I felt his. It was beautiful and.... perfect?

The action moved to the bedroom as we kissed forcefully, and both of us got harder. He kissed my neck and licked as we held each other tight. He ended up on top and my legs were wrapped around him as the condom came and he was pushing. This time I didn't stop him as we sweat and moved for hours that night.

Time moved like water in an unsteady bucket. It lasted and subsided, moved from side to side. I honestly can't describe all the feelings swirling. I know it was the most amazing sex I ever had.

I also know we woke up the next morning. I got dressed in my wet Songkran clothes. He gave me a sweet kiss, smiled. I ate breakfast. He smoked cigarettes. We were silent. I got in the cab. He walked on.

I called. He didn't answer.

It Doesn't Sound Too Intelligent

2009-04-12T17:37:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I know there's this "state of emergency" and all, but I'm thinking I only live once. Today is the beginning of the Songkran festival, which I have never seen. Supposedly it's a good time, full of water splashing and talcum powder. You walk around with your water gun and shoot people, while trying to avoid the Thais driving around with their super soakers or fire hoses. That to me sounded like the kind of unfair fight I might enjoy, so I am supposed to go and meet some friends near Silom, then head to Khao San Road, the home of Songkran craziness (at least that's what I hear).

I say 'supposed' because the past two days have been pretty eventful. Citizen uprising in Pattaya, and now the Thai military is moving out to the Bangkok city streets because red shirt protesters (supporting ousted Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra) are closing down roads and neighborhoods, attacking random motorists and even the current Prime Minister. For his part, the Prime Minister has therefore issued an order declaring that gatherings of more than five people in public domains is 'illegal;' in other words he declared a 'state of emergency' in Bangkok.

The governor of Bangkok decided then that all Songkran festivities should be cancelled, but I think I'm going full-speed ahead. Sure, most sane, logical people would stay in their homes and wait this out, but I am none of those things. I left my home for this country, and just continue to make less than solid decisions.

So, I'm going to meet some friends at the Malaysia Hotel. Then, we're going to hit up Khao San Road. I'll let you know if I meet anybody :).

If I Ruled the World...

2009-04-11T01:09:00.000-07:00

Well maybe not ruled it, but at least had a say in powerful group decision making, I might have gone a different route. I mean it's time to set a meeting of a powerful monetary and global policy summit on the Asian continent. Where should we go? Thailand? That sound good to everyone? Better yet, let's do it in Pattaya? Sounds like a great idea right everybody, right!?!?

Let's make important global decisions and then hit the 'beautiful' beaches of Pattaya. That was probably the idea: policies and uhhhhhh... beaches, yeah.

However it went, the most recent ASEAN conference was set to occur in the land of protesting smiles coinciding with the biggest (that's what I hear anyway) festival (Songkran Water Festival?) in Thailand, during an ongoing political crisis, and with the country still in general disarray. As anyone not thinking below their waist could guess, the summit didn't exactly go the way organizers hoped.

Seems like protesters have taken over a summit hotel after busting windows and doors to gain entry. Car accidents are everywhere, casualties mounting by the hour. And, on top of all this, Islamic extremists in the South have highjacked a train, killing four people (this may not involve the conference but it's still of note).

So, the ASEAN summit just got canceled. People are finally fearing for their safety after everyone already arrived for the festivities, and I am sitting here wondering what exactly the guy (must have been a male) was thinking when he gave the green light for this idea.

I'm not exactly sure, but I have some guesses (go-go girls, go-go boys, a mix of the two?). Who can really say. But, I'm pretty sure I know what he's thinking now. "Who else agreed to this? I wonder how I can spin it towards him or her? Maybe I can pin it on that unassuming gay guy???"

One must know their limits. You'll never see me making weighty policy decisions in a dull suit. But, really wouldn't you have gone with someplace a little bit more stable? I would've picked someplace cool and alot safer. I don't know like, Silom Soi 4, uhhhh --- Telephone Bar anyone? We could just talk it out a couple tables away from each other, and no one has to get hurt. It's always safe there :).

Back in the Saddle

2009-04-05T22:53:00.000-07:00

For the people that do read, sorry. I got behind in blogging because of my trip to the homeland. It's pretty long (like 26 hours or so) and once I got back, the time change got me, and... why pull punches, I got lazy :). Fortunately I'm back from the beyond, but reminiscing now on the trip --- it was really nice. I missed my family and friends, and I really do have awesome people in my life back home! I'll have to write about the trip here soon.

Getting back to Bangkok has been... interesting. I got back and my luggage got lost, the keys got locked inside the house, and my former roommates left the place in bad shape. On top of all that, I immediately had to go back to work in the middle of nowhere with a challenging summer school schedule. C'est la vie :0).

So, stuff is getting cleaned up this week, but for some reason I decided that relaxing from my vacation (?) was in order. These ideas just pop into my brain, and for some often unknown, illogical reason, I just follow them. The inclination somehow trickled in that the best way to relax would be to hit the famous gay sauna: Babylon.

If you don't live or have never traveled to Bangkok, Babylon is a huge, gay sauna with nice facilities, a beautiful pool, and a really nice restaurant. All things considered, a little different than what you might regularly think, but again, why pull punches, it is a gay sauna...

Anyway, I had been once with a friend when I first visited Bangkok (i've visited some strictly Thai places too, aaiiiii, that's another story!), and this time, I thought I could find it. A bit far from my house (it's downtown), but I got there no problem, and found myself together with 'farang' (foreigners) from all over the world, and some really beautiful Thai guys. Oyyyy why do I keep getting myself in these situations???

Ok, so I went and sat in the sauna and sweat for awhile. I got periodic glances and some people were nice enough to chat. I actually did find myself feeling better after, especially following the long cool shower there.

That's when I decided for the walk, and found myself wandering by the rooms in the upstairs....
Of course, the Thai guys were there and one literally grabbed my hand walking by me, looked me in the eye straight, held my glance for a couple long seconds, and let his towel fall, showing me his cute underwear and excited state :). He touched me on my chest with his free hand, and lightly tugged me into a room.

It happened so fast, but I was there. My towel was gone in seconds and he pulled my briefs straight off. He started kissing my body and my dick, moaning and telling me to lay down in the makeshift plastic bed. I could tell immediately what he wanted when his fingers started touching me.

I asked him to stop at first, but he came behind me, and started moving his fingers around and kissing my neck. I felt him push down his briefs from behind, and the movements started as he was reaching around for the condom. For some again unknown reason, I gave into the moment, and it arrived.

He started and I didn't stop until we both moved. I had no idea a Thai dude could be big but he was. I pulled forward and stopped him. Pushing back, he smiled and tried kissing my neck again, but I moved further forward and turned around. He smiled at me, wriggling himself around at me, and trying to move in again (I almost laughed). This time I side skirted, and gracefully made the back door exit, finding myself in the middle of a bunch of Thai guys outside the room.

So embarassed, I made a quick dodge to the locker room, and got my stuff to take another shower and leave. I walked over to the showers when another young Thai guy stopped me with a smile. So flustered by the whole experience there, I almost didn't know how to respond to someone just trying to be kind, make conversation, get to know me.

We ended up walking a little bit together. He spoke only English to me, and he was so kind and cute. He was looking for a friend, and he thought I had a kind smile when we passed. I asked about him, and when a silence came, he asked if he could kiss me. I smiled and he kissed me on the cheek. I asked if we could hug. It was so warm, and I finally felt better.

Time passed and we talked more; I rarely find someone here that wants more than what they want in the room. Finally I felt intimate with him, and we hugged and kissed again. I ended up walking him to a cab. We hugged longer this time, and now we're talking on the phone. What am I doing?

Hey, Come Here Often???

2009-03-16T04:29:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, I went out with some friends from work. They frequent this set of bars on the other side of Lumpini Park in downtown Bangkok (situated just off Silom Road, the main gay tourist stretch). It is one of the few green spaces in the city, and I love to walk it in the mornings as the Thai-Chinese participate in group Tai Chi --- I think the area is supposed to make you centered. Unfortunately though, there's so much gay there, it's hard for me to stay focused :).

Anyway, these bars are not on Silom; they are found on a side street, tucked away from the tourist crowds. I guess the Thai guys just love to go and socialize; maybe hook-up with other Thai guys that are looking for someone their age or taking a break from their older, white boyfriends.

Without fail though, all of them are quite beautiful. Everyone has this awesome sense of style and comfort. Along with that of course, they all have awesome bodies and cute, beautiful, and/or distinct features. Even starting off the night at this bar, there were guys with no shirts or button-downs showing off their slim, perfect chests and stomachs... Thai guys really are amazing, and I have to admit, I fall for them tooooo easily.

We hit this one bar, and we were just dancing it up, having fun and exchanging some shouts/words while we moved and smiled to some awesome Madonna remixes (that's how I knew it was a gay bar). My friends love to party (strange for school teachers?), and we ended up staying til closing time when things got crazy. It was like the clock struck 1:45 and everyone was talking really close, holding, touching --- hands on each other. For me it was strange, mainly because Thai society is often sooo not cool about public affection. It just didn't seem to matter here.

This was true with my friends too. Everyone was talking close, and bringing their friends to meet me. All of them laughed as they spoke in Thai to me, and some of them got really close, trying to whisper in my ear. This one guy who was shorter, about my height, got all the way up to me, talking about his room, and putting his hands on my hips as he touched my ear with his nose and lips. I literally shuddered as his hands moved to touch my butt and gradually moved into my hands, as he told me to come home with him.

I have no idea why. It could of been the outfit; it was a mixture of light blues. The face, he looked half Thai- half Chinese about 24 maybe, and he was really slim. He was also my height (a big turn-on), and he had this half-open shirt that showed his pecs were really tight. I could tell he was strong. My new friend was also really insistent, lazily speaking and slurring into my ear about us together, the things he could do. One of my 'friends' came up behind and encouraged me to go. Somehow, I started to hear myself agreeing as my new friend's hands moved in mine, pulling me outside as I said goodbye to my friends.

After a short ride (where he kissed me twice in the car!), we were in his room, and literally, the guy transformed to animal. He was everywhere. Clothes were flying, and dude literally became monkey boy. He started jumping around, yelling out "ooooohhhh ahhhhhh," clawing and tearing my clothes off, kissing me harder and harder, and pushing me onto the bed with only my underwear left. Next thing I know he's ripped off everything, and flown onto me, like he was making a long jump, grabbing hold of the last tree left in a vanishing jungle.

"OOOOhhhhh, I'm gonna fuck you." he said in slurred English.

"Uhhhh, ok." I replied, as he kissed my nipple and pulled at my underwear.

Literally as the waist band passed my feet, my nipple cried out in pain as the guy bit down on me. "Yowwww," I yelled as I grabbed at the monkey, turning him from top to bottom, trying to hold him down on the bed. He just looked up lazily and smiled, while I quizzically held him. Dude didn't stop though, the monkey seized the moment as I evaluated the situation. He grabbed at me with his free hands, bringing his lips to mine, and then kissed me really hard.

"Uhhhh mmm, Whoa," I managed, as the monkey threw me to the side and jumped up. He was on me again in a second, this time bringing his mouth to my dick.

"Weeeee do the six nine, hoke gao now," he said as his dick expertly and athletically moved to my face.

At this point, I was about to figure out a way to tie him down or tranquilize him, so I could make a run back to civilization. That's of course when I felt his tongue and mouth doing an awesome job :0), and I was just about to accept all of this when --- I felt animal teeth bite down on me.

"Owwww, yoowwwww, whoa!!!' I yelled out as the monkey held on for an extra second, then let go, making moaning sounds, as I tried to retreat to the other side of the bed.

"Ok, I will fuck you now." he stated simply.

"Ummm, I think maybe I'll take a rain check there tiger." I said, examining myself not seeing any marks.

"Fuck. Then rain check." he said swaying.

My brain started moving quickly. "Go use the bathroom." I directed.

He seemed to think about this for a second, and then swayed his way in there. Still thinking about it now, I'm not sure why he agreed. Whatever the reason, I heard him in there peeing as I quickly moved for bare essentials, pants and shoes. I heard the stream slow, and I was just about to run out the door when I got curious. There were no sounds yet he didn't come out.

Like the dumb blond from every scary movie, I wanted to investigate. Waiting for a second, nothing happened, so I walked towards the door. Then I heard it.... he started vomiting in the toilet. Stopping dead in my tracks, I waited a minute or two, and finally made my entrance, as I popped my head in. There he was, sprawled out on the floor looking up at me.

"Come in," he requested, "I want to kiss you."

"Nah, I'm pretty tired." I said. "Plus, I think that was enough exercise for today. Think I'll go home now."

"Ok." he said simply. "Call me."

I walked out, grabbed my other clothes and put on my sun glasses. My watch showed 3:30a.m. There was a lone cab waiting right at the entrance to this innocent looking jungle.

He Has Kids

2009-03-06T16:11:00.000-08:00

This crush I have at work is really getting to me. He's a Thai guy born and raised, but he teaches another language at our school. I watch him sometimes, and he is so kind to other people, and he has this really quirky and nerdy way. He's handsome and sweet, always smiling and touching my arm to say 'hello' in the mornings. Aye :)! He's also really different; he never goes out and I never see him let his guard down from very formal speech.

No matter how hard I try, I can't get a read on him; the gaydar is broken. No matter though I guess, because he really makes me smile.

A couple weeks ago, there was a school party we both attended. I cannot drive in Thailand (makes me nervous), so he offered to give me and some other teachers a lift home. After he dropped everyone else off (the drive was completely silent), he started talking to me in a quiet, kind voice.

Him: "So, how long have you been here now?"
Me: "Oh, about 6 months."
Him: "Do you like it; do you like the school?"
Me: (Already turning red) "Yes, I like it very much. I really enjoy the students...." (fumbling on the verge of a stammer, trying to think) ".... How about you; do you like the school?" (Sooo not smooth)
Him: "It's ok... Sometimes, I wish I could be in another place... sometimes, I am really bored and lonely. Sometimes, I wish the students were more respectful." (Right now I am bright red trying to think of more to ask...) (Some silence) (A pause). "That's why I have hobbies. I think you need them here.... Do you have a hobby?
Me: (letting some time pass, trying to slow down) "Yes, I really love to read and learn new things... I love Thai and Chinese. I love to practice and improve the best I can and...." (stop myself, not wanting to become the talker) "I really love to learn; do you have have hobbies ______?"
Him: (Enthusiastically) "Yes, I love to spend time with my kids."
Me: (Pause) (A little dejected) "Oh, uhhh that's.... really great."
Him: (Another short pause) "I have 18 fish. They are all in one aquarium, and I love to take care of them. (With a big kind smile) They are my children"
Me: (Elated again) (Completely confused, unable to speak)
Him: "I also have a cat."
Me: (thinking I'm in love) "Wow."

When we got home, I invited him in to hang out and talk with my friends. He politely declined, and made his way home. I still see him at school every day though. Some days I have the courage to talk with him (mostly staring at the floor while I do), but most times, I just admire from a distance (maybe 5 desks away).

He Wore This Bow Tie

2009-02-25T02:24:00.000-08:00

I wanted to write about this guy at work. Last time, I hinted he had me thinking. He still does. He's cute, sweet, and takes care of fish and cats in his spare time. I love people who are different or nerdy and not afraid... Anyway, I have to put this off until later... Now, I have to write about my past coming for a visit; I'll save my work crush for next time :).

Remember Pattaya? My first time, I went to my friend's bar, and everyone (including the dancers) went out afterwards for a night on the town. I ended up going with them to an after hours bar near the beach. We danced it up and laughed. Somehow, there was some bar hopping, and as the night wore on, I got to talking with one of the guys who worked the front door at my friend's place.

He was sweet and spoke a little English, so our Thaienglish got us by. We ended up dancing together, and before I knew, he was grinding with me, touching me everywhere, and kissing me softly. I am not exactly sure how it went, but he ended up taking me to a hotel room. We were in bed in seconds, and he completely took control. The kissing got hard and fast as he pushed down my underwear, working us into a really sweaty night.....

I'll spare you the rest of the details :0), but the night has become a permanently etched stone tablet. It cannot be erased, can't be forgotten; and neither can this guy.

He really is sweet, but he works in a place that we can never have a relationship. It isn't meant to be. Every once in awhile though, he comes to Bangkok and calls --- I always answer.

This time he came, and I met him at the bus station. We took a taxi to my house and held hands. He slept in my bed. No sex, just talking and companionship. In the morning, we woke up, I showed him the bus route, and gave him 1,000 Baht (about $30); he hasn't called since.

Friends in Town

2009-02-21T17:46:00.000-08:00

I've been slow to blog this week. A couple straight friends have come to town from the West, and I've been playing tour guide for about a week now... I am still trying to explain life here --- that this is still a second or third-world country :). They still cannot understand the toilets, the shower, or the people bathing in the canal outside...

We have been out pretty much every day. I took them to Khao San Road (the home of backpackers and cheap hotels), Sukhumvit Road (the home of the famous neon signs), Silom Road (the business district and foreign gay hangout :)), Little India (where you can eat a delicious yogurt slushie), the Weekend Market (the heat allowed him about one hour, so we missed most of the shops :)), Siam Paragon (the mall where you can buy the Ferrari), Chinatown (where the lights and smells overwhelmed them), and every restaurant in between.

My people are big food lovers, so I tried to take them everywhere we frequent. Dudes are tough critics though :). Their first few days, they told me they thought the food would be 'better' :)! So, I got really motivated, and put on my a-game, really amping up the food spots. There were times I was teaching the kids, and also thinking about restaurants and places that would satisfy the critics. The work life might have suffered a bit, but this is Thailand; school's just a bit different here (more on this in a future installment).

So anyway, we went to my two favorite chinese restaurants, one in the business district and our most favorite one tucked away in an old Chinese market that used to be a theater. The people loved them! My friends and I always eat family style there, just getting a bunch of dishes (fried and steamed dumplings, fresh chinese cabbage and beans with garlic, sweet pork, cured tofu, tomato and basil soup, and dumplings filled with soup that taste like nothing we can eat at home), and sharing a little bit between us all. My westerners met all of my Chinese friends, and I think they really enjoyed talking. My Chinese people have a great sense of humor, and gave my friends from home a different perspective on life and eating that I think they really liked :). After the meal, we talked for an hour or so each time, with my friends just saying how much they really liked the Chinese, the food and the people :).

Anyway, we also hit our Vietnamese restaurant out here in the dust bowl; their spring rolls and spices are amazing. Then we started rocking ethnic Thai places. We ate food from the South (curries and chilis) and the North (Som Tam and fried chicken), and my friends' stomachs haven't really been the same :). They really like the Som Tam salad, which is a mixture of vegetables, chili, and lime/mango juice that all the Northern Thai love. It's a good way to lose weight because for one, it's salad, and once you eat it, your mouth is so numb from spice you really don't want to eat anymore.

We also went down to our Indian restaurant situated in a small alley of Little India. All of the Indian people in Bangkok know about it, and one day, me and a British friend found it during our downtown wanderings. My people ate the famous platter with all types of Indian food and loved it all. They just kept talking about the tastes -- how awesome and different they were from our buffet Indian food at home.

After we ate that stuff though, their mouths were on fire again, so we drank yoghurt slushies (I love them and it is India) to calm the spice. Then we partook in some Indian tea with milk that is always delicious, keeping my friends sated for the time being. They are still looking for more though, and I have to keep working. The kids are calling, the friends are hungry again, and I'm still thinking about this guy at work. I have a really bad crush... Next time, next time.

A Night at the Beach

2009-02-09T02:07:00.000-08:00

Two weeks ago, I went to Pattaya. If you haven't been, I think you should. The people are so interesting, and so much is happening. Sex is free, but it isn't cheap. And, there's something for everyone. Men, women, and everything in between. Most people are looking for a perfect fantasy in one way, shape or form, whether it's the pay for play, or a potential sugar daddy (or momma) taking care of family and worker (usually unnecessary phones and the like) in the poorer parts of the country. Of course, I got a little bit more than I personally bargained for --- I think most people do when they make the trip... But anyway, a proper story should probably start with the background first. That my friend, would be the proper route. No serious jogger can start the race from the mid-way drink stand.

So on my day off from work, we started from the bus terminal in Bangkok, I rode the two-hour tour with some friends and tourists -- good and bad, angel and devil, Miley Cyrus and Britney Spears -- all looking for some kind of break or fantasy that probably can't be found in other Asian cultures. We got there and walked the streets at night, wandering between neon lined streets and a thin, sandy shore teeming with willing prostitutes. As I turned down side streets, women hooped and whistled, and agressive Thai guys did their best to shoe tourists in to dancing go-go bars. We hit a few spots, gay and straight (my friends are straight), and around 11, I slinked away to the local gay den.

A friend of mine owns/ed a place there with some beautiful guys. The atmosphere is fun, laid-back, and full of interesting people coming to escape a repressed role and fill the void with a local thai guy. Some of these Thai guys are gay (more on this in another installment), some straight, but all of them are looking to please you for a little cash in their pockets.

So, my friend is a good guy, chill, laid-back and kind. No grand ambitions for him, I think; his heart is just good, so he can really throw a party. We ended up going out with him and his guys to a late night bar with half-naked, fit guys, and all the other gays from the outside strip. Sex is always so open there, and all the guys were touching and feeling, dancing and drinking... We all ended up staying out until closing dancing away.

I was with many people that night, but the Thai guys were all trying. They were rubbing and dancing, two or three were openly kissing me in the bar as the night wore on. I can't lie; I was happy. One was a tough bottom, a harsh kisser that liked to grind. The other was a playboy top that had the most beautiful and erotic lips; a really hot kiss. The other was a sweet Thai guy that loved to touch and kiss slowly, making me feel warm with just him and I.... Needless to say, I ended up taking him home.

We made love, and stayed up late. We only spoke Thai, so the communication was a little limited (I know a couple hundred words:)). I got enough though to know that I liked him alot. The time we spent was so cool and so free --- by then I was really happy. The next day, we walked around together, held hands openly in front of military guards, straight American couples, and macho Russians in really tight shorts... I ended up giving my friend some money (500 Baht) as I got on the bus, just because I really liked him I think (I'm not really sure anymore). We hugged.

The next week he called often, and then met me here in Bangkok. We walked and talked, spent time in Saphan Kwai. Then he told me about his parents who were poor, his sister who needed money, his clothes that were too old. I asked if 300 Baht was enough. He shook his head. I smiled, gave him 1,000 Baht, and I sent him on... I told him he didn't need to call me again.

Starting from the Top

2009-02-02T05:49:00.000-08:00

I sit here tonight thinking about my first time --- :). I'm writing about my life, looking to vent, maybe to say things I can't otherwise voice (both because of modesty and the language barrier). Let me start with this: I'm a homo. Ok with that out of the way, I'll start with my life. I gave up work in the West almost 6 months ago now. One morning, the time came, phones were ringing, people were yelling, my tie was cutting off all circulation... I made some phone calls while I should have been working --- and poof :), I was outta there.

Six months later, I sit here in a dusty neighborhood on the outskirts of Bangkok, Thailand. Gated neighborhoods border murky green canals dotted with tin houses and rickety docks. Local children bathe in brackish water, while 200 meters away, a large, wealthy international boarding school teaches the well-to-do youth how to master the 100 m freestyle in a spacious pool. Now I'm teaching there :).

The paradox in Thailand is everywhere. I'm not sure whether I enjoy it or dislike it --- hate it or am simply learning to tolerate it. Like I said, I'm awash.

That could be why I'm here. Initially, it might have been about exploring, seeing, maybe looking for acceptance. Now, the motivation is less clear. I just walk the streets and watch; ride the bus and listen; watch the people (especially the guys :)) and wonder.

Have I met someone, maybe a boyfriend here? Yeah, a couple. Most encounters haven't turned out so well. Over time, I'll try to write about them as I go. The younger guy from DJ Station (I know :)), the sex addict in Pattaya, the thief from a sauna (embarassment :)), and the really beautiful/hot kisser from the local mall bathroom (even more embarassment). What can I say... I'm living and learning.

So what should I say about this, my first post? I look at it as an introduction. This is the overview of me, but with much of the details left to you. As the weeks pass, I'll write more about my times here --- what I'm doing and what I've left behind. Everyone is welcome to comment :), and I'll do my best to address questions and comments that I can tackle. Keep in mind though that I go haa sip/haa sip, neither king or queen, so be patient with a gay guy that is slowly evaluating each new thought, each new experience, as it comes.