Do As I Say...

As a gay guy, I have a low tolerance for hypocrisy. I think mainly because I have lived a life where I was told that my feelings were wrong ---that being gay is unnatural and against 'God's Law,' only to see my 'authority figures' caught up in indiscretions of their own.

I still experience the after-effects of low self esteem and self worth because of gay feelings I now know I couldn't control.

Anyway so, as a gay man, when I see a television preacher or conservative politician caught with his (and it is always a man) pants down, I get angry. It's probably the same feeling most gay people have when a man like George Rekers (the outspoken advocate of a homosexuality 'cure' ) gets caught with a gay prostitute after traveling Europe on the taxpayers' dime (Florida and South Carolina to name two States). How can he judge gay people, and moreover, why is he so dishonest with himself?

I have no answers to these questions. I can only say that I am a hypocrite too. I have decried commercialism, and gone out and bought my favorite designer. I have told students to be kind to peers and strangers; then, I rudely cut in line if I am tired or just want to get home. I say I want equality but wouldn't mind if I got a little extra money back from my taxes this year :-P.

It's not just me, I know that. Prime Minister Abhisit says he wants to give Thais the freedom to speak, but then prosecutes opposition leaders who do so. He's a politician! My boss believes in fair treatment for everyone, but always lobbies a little harder for the English language department. He's a politician too! My mom says she loves everyone, but my brothers and sisters and I usually get the leftovers from family Thanksgiving dinner (sorry to all my cousins :-P). She's just my mom :-)!

There's varying degrees of hypocricy of course, and it's not just the people we follow, but the mechanics that drive them. Capitalism, democracy, socialism, and market theory are all plagued with PR problems associated with inherent unfairness and hypocricy. We live it every day, but I just get so worked up about it sometimes.

I have to deal with that and be honest with myself. Long term anger isn't a positive emotion and I have to overcome it.

I think it starts with admitting who I am. I am flawed and weak. I make poor decisions some times :-P. I am also a person that does generally care about other people though..... and I'm gay :-). I admit to all of these things and that I am still working every day to accept myself, to overcome negative emotions, and to examine the reasons behind my feelings. I want to work harder, be more mindful --- I want to be a better person.