Complacency

To Whom It May Concern:

I saw you there. I'm not going to lie and say I wasn't interested. It was a public bathroom, the Hua Lamphong public bathroom, which you know if you live here makes it more intimidating, filthy, sloppy. Plus, I'd made a similar mistake before. Anyway, I saw you staring. I know you were curious, so was I. But I have a boyfriend now. We get along really great. He's sweet. Kind. He never treats me badly, but sometimes he forgets me as me. Human, selfish, sexual. I know you don't really care. You probably have your own boyfriend. Probably some foreigner who goes out and looks for other boyfriends, hook-ups, whatever too. That's ok. I'm not judging you. I can't just turn around though and do like other people do. That's a guilt thing. Something that comes from home, nothing really to do with you or your culture. I think you guys are without alot of the guilty hang-ups that I seem to carry around (don't think it's all good, I think sometimes that guilt keeps us sane and living in a moment, making more solid decisions as we grow older). Anyway, I saw you -- all of you -- I could have followed like you looked like you wanted. I know you followed me for awhile. The thing is, I need to keep living simply. If I don't, I'm always wanting more, things I think I should have but don't. Coveting something. Sometimes living here makes me think I deserve to have more, be more --- consume. That thought is selfish and scary. So I can't follow you to your apartment, mine, or the Hua Lamphong bathroom stall. I have to go home, rest, and work the next day.