Somebody That I'm Not

There's these periods ( :-) ) that I experience sometimes. I'm not quite sure where they come from, maybe I've got some kind of bi-polar thing going on.

I just experience these sporadic life troughs of depression...

It's like I'm in the wave pool at a water park.... The waves come and go as you bounce around in the water. Some are small and light just kind of rocking you along until the big ones come, eventually crashing down over you when you aren't aware of what's coming... or you get complacent doing the doggy paddle.

Again, maybe that's just me :-P.

It starts out with needing some kind of exciting event or thing to occur. I need a form of stimulation outside of the everyday humdrum --- wake up, eat, work, eat, talk, work, home, wash my clothes, sleep, and do it all over again.

I need some excitement, travel, dance, a hook up.

Then boom, whatever it is I'm looking for, I get it or don't get it. It doesn't really matter because once the stimulation is gone or I've had enough of whatever it is I'm searching out, then comes the great downer, and I'm like the character in a scary movie drowning scene, unable to bring myself up from the bottom, thrashing around, slowing down, close to giving up.

Alai Wah :)? I know it's hard to follow. I have trouble describing exactly what it is that happens. I'll try to explain by example.

About two months ago, I just started getting bored with work. I would go teach class, help the students, do my grading, accomplish my other administrative duties then go home. On the weekends, I'd go downtown, shop, eat, spend time walking and exploring.

Over time, it was slight at first, something came over me. In the beginning it was a momentary thought, then became this feeling that over time grew stronger: longing. I wanted to have more than what I had. There was something I saw that I liked, probably many things. I wanted more money, more time, a boyfriend, sex, more of everything. The feeling just started to take over.

The best way I can describe it: dissatisfaction then negativity.

I eventually decided to fill the void with stimulation. I watched more TV, started to spend more time online, tried to hook up with guys. I stopped reading and writing and let these things take up more of my time.

The trouble was that all of those didn't do it. I needed more, so I started looking for sexy pictures, movies, even a hook up.

I found myself getting more easily tired at the office. I took more naps, I spent more time chatting on Gayromeo, I hooked up for sex with a guy that I realized I didn't really like talking to. It wasn't fulfilling, again, and I just started to realize how my life and experience was changing. I got an acne breakout (I hate those) from stress, spicy food, and not taking care of myself.

It seemed like everywhere I went, Thai people were not friendly or downright rude. Maybe it was me, but I felt like there were nasty looks, unkind statements, even theft... I remember sitting in a taxi cab, asking the driver to take me home as I napped on the way. I woke up finding myself on my street with the taxi driver's hand in my pocket, fishing for my wallet... I couldn't believe it, and for some reason (well, I think I know why), I let it go, and even paid the guy for the trip (it costed B350, I paid 500, 'no have change' was the reply then followed with his last word 'tip').

I let it all go, went to my room, and closed myself off for a week, maybe two :-).

I shouldn't be surprised, I've had these times in my life at home also. It's like I have created this happy time for myself, and I slowly but surely allow my unconscious to create some kind of perceived void that has to be filled.

Once I realize how unhappy I am in trying to fill this perceived void -- basically I hit some kind of bottom -- I realize that my life is pretty awesome :-)! I have a family that loves me. I have friends that care, and a job, which all things considered, is really quite interesting, challenging, and fulfilling. The problem or void I have created is seeing something that I think I want, knowing what someone else has or wants, and thinking I need this as well.

That want, or need, or envy, or jealousy -- whatever I want to call it -- is never constructive. It always tears me down, never provides a build up. It's those kinds of thoughts that make me unhappy, search for some kind of outlet, create negative consequences, and then hit a deep depth of human depression.

It is only somewhere in that depression do I later realize the positives that are in my life. I don't know why my mind eventually finds them, but they always come. I'll then find myself on the road back to an everyday routine. I read, I write, I find positive things to concentrate on --- reading, writing, language, art.

I just have to figure out a way to stay with those positive things that build up my self esteem, my understanding, true beauty, compassion, and kindness. In the end, I know those are really what we have to have hold on to. Some day, we'll all be old, tired, gray, have more wrinkles (no matter how much moisturizer we use :-)), whatever.

We will have attributes and characteristics though that will endure, and I have to focus on those things that are positive, both for myself and for other people. No matter what is on the other side of this life, the things that are good for others and myself, those are the things that I will be judged on.

Sooner or later, I again realize all these things somewhere in my depression. There are really positive and negative aspects of my desires. I just need to stay with it and recognize both. I also need to be wise, and understand the difference, which can be difficult... Many times, I need my mistakes to discern the category.

I also need to learn from all of my experiences, the happy times and the depression. The problem is that I continually recognize the cycle after it has completed itself. It just takes a week or two to realize it.

The trick, I think, is to catch these choices and waves earlier, or better yet, stay away from the fall in the first place. I always need to be watching for the next wave. It'll be better for my mental health.

Am I the only one that does this by the way? Do you experience this stuff too?!?!???

Maybe it's me.

Anyhow, my mind cleared, so did my breakout :-). I feel better now, I choose my spots to make eye contact with Thais, and will try to refrain from sleeping in the taxi cab again :-P. Lol, I'll just stick to sleeping on the bus.

So that's the end of my internal monologue for today. I'll leave it up to you guys if you want to comment. I'd like to hear some, and hear about other peoples' experiences. If you want of course.

If not, I'll just take some valium here, read about plastic surgery, pyramid schemes, and watch some porn :-).