Black and Gifted

I know this isn't usually a picture show, but I was really struck by a girl this week. It's just a passing thing btw, like when I was in high school and I had to find a girlfriend at the party or everyone would start talking.... Eventually, my eyes will drift to the class bad boy (or that really handsome nerd with glasses).... Ok, anyway, I've been watching her.

Her name is Lou Jing. She's an arts student in Shanghai, born to a married Chinese mother, who reportedly had an extra-marital affair with an African-American man. Beautiful and artistically talented, Lou recently appeared on a Chinese television program entitled "Go! Oriental Princess" (as best translated), and faired pretty well in the competition, making it down to the final 20 princesses (there's been some rumors about the quest for ratings).

Because of this, she became the subject of blogging discussion on the web, which in turn, drew media attention to the peoples' reaction. Apparently, the web discussion of Ms. Lou is now highly publicized because the comments are critical of her mother's infidelity and Ms. Lou's skin color/ ethnic origin.

Basically, they're racist.

I took some time to read up on them the other day, and it was kind of shocking really. People didn't seem to understand what they were saying was both racist and sexist, or they don't care, or I don't really understand Chinese culture ---- probably all of the above.

"How could she show herself on television?" some people asked.

"Her mother should feel shame," was also a comment I saw often.

Someone even wrote that "black" and "yellow" should not mix. "Ugh. Yellow people and black people mixed together is very gross…only black skin, not yellow skin, chocolate skin…" That was the exact comment.

I also caught this one from the many hundreds, "F***ed by a black.
How come a zebra wasn’t born…?"

Yeah, people really wrote it, and there's much more. I still can't get over it. I have a link here for the translated comments: http://www.chinasmack.com/stories/shanghai-black-girl-lou-jing-racist-chinese-netizens/

I also have some background for the reaction of western media. I know the story is kind of a stretch, jumping from Obama to Lou, but it's information nonetheless:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=120311417

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm not Chinese. I don't live there, and I don't speak the language very well at all. I get it.

Discrimination is not, I believe, a lingua-centric phenomena, and it doesn't take a native Chinese to verify that.

In my native country, I know that people do or don't get a job based on the color of their skin. That's discrimination. Most everyone agrees to that (what about people who don't get a job because they're unattractive... can these two issues overlap...).

It's also sometimes ok for a man to act a certain way while his female counterpart will be judged harshly for taking the same tack or making the same decision. Though not everyone sees it, that's discrimination too.

Lol, don't let me get started on who and who can't get married :-).

I see all of this in Thailand also, though it's usually said playfully and practiced insidiously.

A couple months ago, my friend and I watched a basketball game. The Thai commentators were talking about the lack of light in the arena, and one commented that the American (black) players could not be seen due to the blackness of their skin.... Remind me to tell you one day how many black people we have working at my school....

The idea that people are so deaf to the echoes of their words gets to me. The complete lack of personal respect and awareness is also surprising, especially in a place like China where many people work so hard to educate themselves.

Of course I know that there are Chinese who feel shameful that the discussion is even occurring in any forum, let alone an international new story...

To me, both race and the issue of infidelity probably shame the educated Chinese.

The idea that infidelity is so wrong can be understood. The problem I have, however, is that so many people in China understand that it does occur, especially in the ranks of the rich and powerful. It's understoond and almost expected.

So many rich and powerful people can keep mistresses and spend lavishly on the upkeep. They can afford it, and yeah, it really is expected.

Luckily for them, the ranks of the rich and powerful in China, are, overwhelmingly, members of the MALE gender.

That makes it pretty convenient for some people to keep a second or third romantic partner, while those people who aren't rich and powerful (ie, WOMEN) are required by social/moral standards to maintain fidelity to their partner.

Sorry Lou Jing's mom, you kind of got the short end of the stick there.

The race thing, I think, is a somewhat new issue in China (they've been in business in one form or another over 5,000 years). It's supposedly a country with over 50 minorities (different 'ethnicities' than the Han majority), but these 'minorities' still maintain similar physical traits to the majority and are often indistinguishable (maybe by the western eye) from the Han.

How many are black? I don't know, but most people know the Asian feelings regarding dark skin. ... That's why they have the whitening creams in every Bangkok pharmacy (yes, they have it in China too :-)).

So how are Chinese people going to react over mixing with other cultures as their country opens to commerce and international thought/judgment? The issue remains unclear, and it's open to interpretation as time passes so quickly, while monetary and intellectualy, growth continues at an exponential pace.

I'm interested in the Chinese reaction to race, what it means to be "Chinese," and their views on sexual orientation. I think all of it's changing so fast, and it's interesting to speculate on where things will go.

My reaction to Lou Jing and her mother is a strong one. On one hand, I feel like they are brave and deserve applause for appearing before China and beginning a dialogue that will push new views and old prejudices in to the Chinese spotlight. Be you, and don't apologize :-)!

On the other hand though, why them? I also feel that they are.... selfish (maybe?), wanting to be on television and showing themselves off for profit.

Then again, isn't that what so many people want ---- to be on TV, to be famous? That's really an issue that i have with fame and exhibtion. It isn't really Ms. Lou; it's the problem with fame or the desire of it....

Just because you want to be used in order to make money and be lauded for your beauty, thereafter using that for your future (maybe using other people), shouldn't you have the freedom to do that? That's what consumerism and (new) capitalism (communism, it's all the same now) are all about...

Why is it ok for a light skinned Chinese girl to do this and not Lou Jing?

Lol, I'll get to some gay stories. I'll get there, but come on guys, girls, gays, kings and queens, what can be more gay than a beauty pageant ;-)? I still watch those Ms. Universe re-runs.

Want Some Blow?

:-), Sorry, I don't have any. If you were in my home country though, I might be able to hook you up....

Ok maybe not. Really, I am not a drug person, especially if you work for customs, the DEA, and/or any Thai police agency that arrests foreigners.

I can get you all kinds of stuff in the homeland though. The land of exported culture, consumerism, and drugs :-).

When I was home, I watched some tv. The time change was kind of rough on me so I found myself up late :-).

Every show I watched, the commercials were all for some kind of percieved illness. Erectile dysfunction, strange itches, depression, and.... sweaty hands. All of them have a wonder cure now, and you are encouraged to ask your doctor about it.

Still need a drug, watch American television.

I'm still trying to figure out exactly what that means for American culture.

One of the shows I caught on a late night jetlag nerve-racker was Nip/Tuck. It's an American show centering on cosmetic surgeons living in Los Angeles.

It's also so much more. The story line itself can be really really strange and nonsensical.

For me, it's not so much about the story as it is about the outrageous, outlandish, and ostentatious visuals. The story about plastic is full of these beautifully strange images and ideas that are so out there.

I really enjoy it. It's the art of it I think that really gets me.

I saw this one episode that had a song from the Chromatics, and it blew my mind. I have always found myself drawn to their music, and there it was on this strangely beautiful episode of Nip/Tuck.

Ever since, I've had the song stuck in my head. In the spirit of my last post, I'd like to share :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tFOxribt3kA.

That Was a Long One

After reading that last post, I think it's time I go a little lighter on the words. How's this, "Why doesn't the Thai government send a message to Thaksin: Come Home and Serve Your Two Years, Then Fair Elections for All."

I'm just joshing. I think I know why that won't happen.

As some lighter fare, check out this video. I've seen it twenty or thirty times now, but it still makes me smile: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tre0WtMB-dE.

Is It Me?

I took a little break there for a trip home. I had a couple weeks off from school, so I opted for a short jaunt to the States. It was nice there, and I was really surprised how friendly people were ("Hi how are you? Welcome back to America!" said Paul my happy Washington D.C. customs agent :-)). That was a welcome plus, leaving the 'land of smiles' for a place not always known for its friendliness.

It was actually a really nice trip! I was happy for the vacation, and it was great to see my family and friends. I really am lucky to have them in my life, and know that there are really great things about home and America!

I will take time to write about some things from home here in the coming week or so, but I really wanted to write about my trip back to Thailand. You know how I was saying how nice people were stateside; maybe it's me but I dont feel that again in Thailand. Is it me?

I really started to notice it in Japan. I had a layover in the Tokyo airport (which as an aside is home to a most fashionable and attractive crowd of travelers; I really enjoyed watching the styles and people that were parading through the terminal :-). I was hoping there'd be more robots though.... anyway), and that's where I first noticed it.

The Thai people waiting for the flight to Bangkok were loud. They spoke in the upper decibel range of everyday conversation, and they paid little attention to lines or local custom. I remember sitting there, and listening to a Thai party of 6 or 7 talk about the merits of the merchandise they purchased in Tokyo.

"This suitcase is beautiful; people will really like looking at it," one girl in her twenties yelped.

Another guy argued with her regarding the questionable nature of the color scheme.

Still others in the party were talking loudly and standing directly in front of the airline counter as people were attempting to speak with the gate agent.

I let my eyes wander from that scene and my head, as is often the case :-P, turned to food. I was a little tired and decided that a good bowl of soup would be calming before the 6 hour trip. In the airport, they have the moving, horizontal escalators (people movers) that ship people from gate to gate.

I went for a ride on this people mover standing to one side behind another group of Thai people.

They were also speaking loudly of fashion, and standing so as to block other people without a thought to travelers trying to make their flight.

One tallish Chinese man was attempting to part the sea of Thai, speaking softly and asking them to please move to one side.

It was kind of funny because the Chinese guy wasn't assertive enough, and the Thai continued on about the proper length of a scarf.

I was standing there smiling with my head down. I always hear how the Chinese are too loud and impolite.

I had to keep smiling as I ate my soup and watched as the stream of Thai faces grew to a sea of bright colors, gigantic scarves, and abnormally large sunglasses in the dark airport.

Time eventually came for take off, and the Thai people on the flight either refused or did not understand the announcement regarding a line (queue for the anglos :-)), and just kind of stood around as the most disorganized boarding process I have ever seen commenced.

I sat there with my lukewarm miso soup and watched with a wider smile as the Japanese tried to corral their multi-cultural steer into a semblance of organization.

Prospective passengers were moving in circles, some kind of veered off, and some just stood in place confused where they should be. Ticketing agents started calling out frantically, and some started off around the terminal, walking around randomly and around bathrooms with big signs that advertised "BANGKOK. LEAVING NOW. LAST CALL."

I had to laugh, wondering how the Japanese stayed patient for the daily comedy of this flight. I started to laugh harder as I sat there watching everyone. Large hair, explosive dresses, strange leg-ins, old jeans, and Elton John sunglasses. Part of the humor was based in empathy, thinking about a daily flight of passengers bound for Meung Thai (Thailand). Part of it might also have been riding in planes for twenty hours already, and feeling kind of special/strange/crazy :-). I also really liked their fashion, those scarves were just the right length ;-).

It was a good trip I must say even if I'm not a United Airlines fan. Those flight attendants need more hugs or something. I just tried to be nice to them; I can imagine how difficult it is keeping an airline toilet clean....

Anyway, we touched down in the 'Land of Smiles' :-P about seven hours later (it took awhile to get everyone on the plane), and were met by the buses that tend to pick people up these days. I'm not quite sure why the planes can't pull in to gates, but it seems like every flight I'm on usually concludes with a bus trip to the BKK terminal.

Basically, the plane lands and taxis to an area where passengers must climb down a flight of stairs to the tarmac. Then, all weary travelers must climb into a bus which brings everyone to the main terminal.

We ended up taxi-ing a little bit to the stop and by the time we got to our designated unloading area, all the Thai people (and the first class passengers) were rushing to the first bus waiting. I watched half asleep as everyone piled in there, leaving the rest of the foreign passengers on the plane to take the second bus.

Well we had some elderly people on this flight from my home country, and some of them aren't as spry as their Thai counterparts, who had already jumped onto the first bus. I think the Thai elderly are generally more athletic than American people my grandma's age. You really have to move sometimes to make it on Thai public transportation. Try riding the un-airconditioned green Mercedes buses from the 1970's sometime; they're a trip.

Yeah, so what you think happened, happened. A nice American 65-year-old grandma took a fall climbing into the bus. A bunch of us helped her up, steadying her as the doors closed, packing us altogether without a place to sit. We started lumbering in our limo packed to the brim, fellow Americanos, sticking together literally and figuratively (interestingly) for a pretty uncomfortable ten-minute ride to the terminal. Together, yes we can.

When we got there, everyone was helping the older people off, and I asked a Thai guy (in Thai) to give the grandma a 'wheelchair.' (I didn't know that word in Thai though) (Does anybody know what it is?)

Anyway, "What flight were you on?" he asked back in Thai.

Initially I didn't understand his question, and said back to him that she (pointing to the lady) needed a wheel chair.

Again, he asked me what flight she was on in English this time.

I still didn't understand his question, and just kind of looked at him quizzically.

"If she no call for wheelchair, no wheelchair." he instructed.

Ok, I said, and went over to a wall with a wheelchair and brought it to the lady. He stared at me with a particularly seething, angry look.

I looked back at him with a similarly disrespectful glance, and everyone made their way to immigration.

I walked with fire and anger in my heart to see that immigration officer.

Really, that kind of stuff gets me going. It's one thing to be oblivious, and another to be completely inconsiderate and uncaring. I just really get upset about that.

The immigration officer was, as always, equally disenfranchised with Thailand and his job, barely glancing at me as he stamped my passport incessantly, thinking about the plum job in downtown that passed him by.... He could have been thinking about his wife, or maybe how to make more money, maybe about that new Rot fai fa (Skytrain) movie. Regardless, he paid no attention, and seemed extremely unhappy. Are all of them paid to do that? Do they receive some special training?

So yeah, I've been back a couple days, and will start work pretty soon. I'm wondering though, am I becoming like other foreigners?

So many times I've read about people that have stayed here for some time and started to realize that they have a problem with the Thai.

Is that me? Am I a statistic? A believer? A bitter wannabe?

People say that Thailand is a friendly place. I am interested in this. Do the people that live here believe that? Do you believe it?

If it is this grand utopia of happiness, why do Thai people want to move abroad? Why do some prefer foreigners, and/or never take romantic interest in Thai people? What makes it difficult for them to get visas to western countries?

These are all questions I'd like foreigners and Thai to answer. The responses would make me happy.

Of course, I could be too sensitive. The kinds of things I'm talking about surely happen in America, England, China, Argentina, Zimbabwe, and Papua New Guinea. I think they do, at least. Maybe the real problem I have is the image (or illusion?) that the Thai attempt to create --- that somehow their world and their society smiles more, is happier...

I'm not quite sure that's accurate. Again, I can't speak for other people. I just know that I feel this way. Why is that?

I can tell you this: I am pretty sure that it's happier for some people more than others. Actually, that's a fact.... and a whole other blog post :-).

Ok so I realize this isn't a really very positive and uplifting post :-). I could work a little harder to see the good things, and focus less on the negative. I recognize that... but sometimes I guess I need an outlet, somewhere to put this stuff....

Are Thai people selfish or am I?

That's where the blog comes in I guess. I won't make it a habit to bog myself (or you) down with the things that aren't so positive. I think I need to stay even and objective though, and part of that is giving the negative along with the good things that happen here.

Yes, there is good here.

What do you think?

Power Bottom (On Power)

I've seen some TV shows. I'm not really a fan, but every once in awhile I indulge. I was wandering through the bookstore in Central World (one of my favorite places in Bangkok), and I saw a magazine cover that reminded me of this show.

It's one where the chef runs the kitchen and a restaurant in some reality show Stateside. There's a bunch of em I know about, but this one in particular. It always strikes me.

So, there's this guy that heads a restaurant. He's always in charge, and no one is interested in questioning him. He decides the menu, the table settings, the hired help, and who gets to stay or go there.

In other words, the head chef chooses a protege or new talent from a pool of potential reality show contestants as he runs a restaurant. All of the newbies use the show as a launching point, hoping to become a disciple of this famous reality chef.

The kick is though, that he's kind of a not-so-nice guy. At his pleasure, he's prone to berating staff and fellow chefs in a pretty tough and nasty barrage of expletives. People spend their time trying to avoid his eye in the kitchen because everyone, they know, finds themselves open to his anger.

Luckily for the head chef, almost everyone at the restaurant in fact reveres him --- or is scared of him. It could be a combination of both. But all of them find themselves apologizing to him following his explosive, f-bomb laden lash outs.

That was really interesting to me... Was it him, was it them, was it that they were all on TV?

I read about the story a little more deeply, and read that many of them had received donations to charities or family members that were in need of help prior to or after the show. All of them in some way felt indebted to the guy I thought -- whether it be the contestants or his own employees -- maybe that's why they so readily accepted the tongue lashings from this reality show head cheese.

He got to berate and storm; yell and scream at people trying to cook their way into his famous restaurant. All of them accepted his tongue lashings and no one ever questioned his tactics to his face. Instead, they all apologized to him for causing him to lose his temper or face. Anything to get on a reality show, I guess.

People will do anything to ensure their survival, or what they think they need to survive.... That is a lesson I have to take to heart too I guess.

I also watched a documentary on the Kennedy family the other day. I'll spare you the details this time. I think you've probably heard about that a couple times, or you really don't care. I'll give you a break.

I'm busy too so... I gotta run... I'm working on cooking the perfect omellete :-P.

Without Effort

In the time I took to come up from my depressive episode :-), I met someone. He is Thai-Chinese -- third generation -- but not from the wealthy elite of downtown Bangkok. If you read about Bangkok culture, I think you probably already know that people with money here are Thai-Chinese. They immigrated two-three-and four generations ago, settling and working their way into government and land ownership.

Anyway, maybe I can write more on this another time. I was working on writing about the new guy I met, before I went off on a different tangent.... Yeah, so he's Thai-Chinese, a little bit younger than me (26) , and his family comes from a city about an hour-and-a-half away. He speaks English really well, and he's kind.

I can tell you that, I guess.

He spent some time in a foreign land, practicing his English and working as a server in the banquet center of a big hotel. There he learned slang, jokes, and strange pronunciation. I tease him about it, and he gets defensive. I really think it's cute :-).

We met online. It started with just chatting, once or twice a week. We'd talk about a wide range of things, and I actually felt close to him before we ever met. He was casual and kind, thoughtful. We had similar interests, and he analyzed things a little more deeply than I'm used to. I was/am challenged :-).

That's cool, because I tend to really connect with people who are thoughtful --- it makes me want to be a better person.

So, back to meeting, the first time we actually saw each other in person, was at a large shopping mall downtown. The ones who live here probably know it.

We met and walked. Talked for a long time and had some Japanese food together. He was cute, kind, and liked to smile.

As we talked, I could tell he was sensitive, which kind of surprised me. I was just starting to feel better about my life and myself, and there was this guy who was sweet and thoughtful, if not a little wounded too. I think there's been people in his life that have hurt him.

He confessed to me that he had once been overweight. He wasn't now, but there was still this feeling I think of knowing what it was like to be different. I can appreciate that.

The subject of his family came up, and then we talked about growing up gay. Other kids teased him, but he said time passed, and he got over it, accepted who he was. I could see though that hurtful people still got to him. That was vulnerability that I thought was both cute and sweet.

I could, and can still, identify with him.

We only talked that night.... Well, I gotta admit.... We did eat ice cream. For those of you that have never been to Bangkok, Swensen's is cool :-).

It was like this really cool feeling getting to know someone more deeply. We went on more dates together. I got to be around someone that was kind and caring, and he's taught me about Thai culture and people. Things I didn't know or really understand before.

Then I got to teach him about my culture, if I have one really lol (yeah, I'm American), and I help him with his English. We usually almost always speak it, because he really likes it. Only some days does he speak with me in Thai.

Last weekend we were reading a magazine from here called, "I Get English." He said he likes to read it, but I think he liked the picture of Mario Maurer :-)... Anyway, they had a pretty humorous quiz in there that tests Thai understanding of my language. It was pretty cool to hear him trying to work out the meaning of 'taking someone for a ride.'

Ultimately he decided that it meant giving someone a lift on his or her motorcycle.

I laughed, he got upset for ten minutes. Then he smiled and we laid in my bed together finishing the quiz in our boxer shorts :-).

There's times where we have trouble crossing cultural divides. Handling disagreements or stressful situations can be pretty funny actually. Some days he's moody or I'm moody. Or worse, we both are feeling queenish at the same time. Lol, I'm not really queeny I think (he might disagree :-)), but I can get super frustrated :-). I do think we try our best to understand each other though....

We tend to meet on the weekends. He comes up from his hometown, and we go to the movies or eat. I think I need to be careful with the latter, I might have to worry about putting on Thai pounds :-).

The thing is, we tend to work out ok. Sometimes, I'm surprised by this temper, it can be fiery :-). I'm usually the one playing 'good cop' in conflicts :-P. For his part, he is surprised, I think, by what he calls my 'disorganization.' Clothes thrown everywhere, music and books strewn all over my room, my porn collection (just kidding guys, I still haven't bought anything from the guys on Silom :-)). He's always brushing off my clothes, fixing my hair, looking me over...

The other weekend we were sitting in my room, and he had some of my Thai cd's (Potato) I bought at the local 'bazaar' ( I can't think of a better word for it. It's like some outdoor fair with a ferris wheel, dusty rides, bright colored neon lights following the Thai flag, and people everywhere bargaining over strange niknaks :-P, including things like used shoes, wheelchairs, music, dirty jeans, spicy food, and dental supplies... lol).

He was translating the songs for me and I listened to him half singing, half speaking softly in English. He was quietly explaining meanings as I laid there listening thoughtfully to the moment.

The air was heavy from heat and humidity. The fan was set to full blast, rustling clothes, papers, posters. He was singing softly in my ear, moving random cds from my bed with his feet, stroking and parting my hair.

He told me that Thai music can be really beautiful. Then he laughed quietly, and told me to clean my room.

Somebody That I'm Not

There's these periods ( :-) ) that I experience sometimes. I'm not quite sure where they come from, maybe I've got some kind of bi-polar thing going on.

I just experience these sporadic life troughs of depression...

It's like I'm in the wave pool at a water park.... The waves come and go as you bounce around in the water. Some are small and light just kind of rocking you along until the big ones come, eventually crashing down over you when you aren't aware of what's coming... or you get complacent doing the doggy paddle.

Again, maybe that's just me :-P.

It starts out with needing some kind of exciting event or thing to occur. I need a form of stimulation outside of the everyday humdrum --- wake up, eat, work, eat, talk, work, home, wash my clothes, sleep, and do it all over again.

I need some excitement, travel, dance, a hook up.

Then boom, whatever it is I'm looking for, I get it or don't get it. It doesn't really matter because once the stimulation is gone or I've had enough of whatever it is I'm searching out, then comes the great downer, and I'm like the character in a scary movie drowning scene, unable to bring myself up from the bottom, thrashing around, slowing down, close to giving up.

Alai Wah :)? I know it's hard to follow. I have trouble describing exactly what it is that happens. I'll try to explain by example.

About two months ago, I just started getting bored with work. I would go teach class, help the students, do my grading, accomplish my other administrative duties then go home. On the weekends, I'd go downtown, shop, eat, spend time walking and exploring.

Over time, it was slight at first, something came over me. In the beginning it was a momentary thought, then became this feeling that over time grew stronger: longing. I wanted to have more than what I had. There was something I saw that I liked, probably many things. I wanted more money, more time, a boyfriend, sex, more of everything. The feeling just started to take over.

The best way I can describe it: dissatisfaction then negativity.

I eventually decided to fill the void with stimulation. I watched more TV, started to spend more time online, tried to hook up with guys. I stopped reading and writing and let these things take up more of my time.

The trouble was that all of those didn't do it. I needed more, so I started looking for sexy pictures, movies, even a hook up.

I found myself getting more easily tired at the office. I took more naps, I spent more time chatting on Gayromeo, I hooked up for sex with a guy that I realized I didn't really like talking to. It wasn't fulfilling, again, and I just started to realize how my life and experience was changing. I got an acne breakout (I hate those) from stress, spicy food, and not taking care of myself.

It seemed like everywhere I went, Thai people were not friendly or downright rude. Maybe it was me, but I felt like there were nasty looks, unkind statements, even theft... I remember sitting in a taxi cab, asking the driver to take me home as I napped on the way. I woke up finding myself on my street with the taxi driver's hand in my pocket, fishing for my wallet... I couldn't believe it, and for some reason (well, I think I know why), I let it go, and even paid the guy for the trip (it costed B350, I paid 500, 'no have change' was the reply then followed with his last word 'tip').

I let it all go, went to my room, and closed myself off for a week, maybe two :-).

I shouldn't be surprised, I've had these times in my life at home also. It's like I have created this happy time for myself, and I slowly but surely allow my unconscious to create some kind of perceived void that has to be filled.

Once I realize how unhappy I am in trying to fill this perceived void -- basically I hit some kind of bottom -- I realize that my life is pretty awesome :-)! I have a family that loves me. I have friends that care, and a job, which all things considered, is really quite interesting, challenging, and fulfilling. The problem or void I have created is seeing something that I think I want, knowing what someone else has or wants, and thinking I need this as well.

That want, or need, or envy, or jealousy -- whatever I want to call it -- is never constructive. It always tears me down, never provides a build up. It's those kinds of thoughts that make me unhappy, search for some kind of outlet, create negative consequences, and then hit a deep depth of human depression.

It is only somewhere in that depression do I later realize the positives that are in my life. I don't know why my mind eventually finds them, but they always come. I'll then find myself on the road back to an everyday routine. I read, I write, I find positive things to concentrate on --- reading, writing, language, art.

I just have to figure out a way to stay with those positive things that build up my self esteem, my understanding, true beauty, compassion, and kindness. In the end, I know those are really what we have to have hold on to. Some day, we'll all be old, tired, gray, have more wrinkles (no matter how much moisturizer we use :-)), whatever.

We will have attributes and characteristics though that will endure, and I have to focus on those things that are positive, both for myself and for other people. No matter what is on the other side of this life, the things that are good for others and myself, those are the things that I will be judged on.

Sooner or later, I again realize all these things somewhere in my depression. There are really positive and negative aspects of my desires. I just need to stay with it and recognize both. I also need to be wise, and understand the difference, which can be difficult... Many times, I need my mistakes to discern the category.

I also need to learn from all of my experiences, the happy times and the depression. The problem is that I continually recognize the cycle after it has completed itself. It just takes a week or two to realize it.

The trick, I think, is to catch these choices and waves earlier, or better yet, stay away from the fall in the first place. I always need to be watching for the next wave. It'll be better for my mental health.

Am I the only one that does this by the way? Do you experience this stuff too?!?!???

Maybe it's me.

Anyhow, my mind cleared, so did my breakout :-). I feel better now, I choose my spots to make eye contact with Thais, and will try to refrain from sleeping in the taxi cab again :-P. Lol, I'll just stick to sleeping on the bus.

So that's the end of my internal monologue for today. I'll leave it up to you guys if you want to comment. I'd like to hear some, and hear about other peoples' experiences. If you want of course.

If not, I'll just take some valium here, read about plastic surgery, pyramid schemes, and watch some porn :-).